Neighbour's autistic son, sleep deprivation and health/housing impacts.

[Anonymousaurus]

I am in a desperate situation and would be grateful for any advice anyone may have. I think I've included everything but please feel free to ask if I've missed any details. Sorry it's ended up so long, there wasn't really a brief way to give full context.

I live in a mid-terrace house which I privately rent, my two children (10 and 12) are with me 50% of the time and we have lived here almost 5 years. Last August, a lady bought the house next door and moved in with her autistic son. I would guess he is around 8, but it's hard to tell as he is still in nappies. He is non-verbal and I believe also visually impaired. He makes loud, vocal stimming noises almost constantly whenever he is awake.

For context as I know I'll be asked, I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

The issue I am having is that the child wakes frequently almost every night, and very often for several hours right through til morning. I am woken almost every single night by extremely loud banging which I believe to be his bedframe slamming into the wall when he jumps on the bed. This also sends vibrations through my floor so I can hear and feel it. He also bangs on the window (I have seen this from my garden), rattles the door (I think he is locked in overnight for safety) drags things across the wall, bangs toys into the window and shrieks and cries. It goes on for hours. I very rarely hear anyone go into his room to settle him, but whether they do or not makes no difference to the noise.

I have tried various types of earplugs, white noise machine, having a fan in my room, opening the window and nothing even remotely dampens the noise. Using ear plugs only puts me at risk of missing my alarm and not getting my children to school on time, it certainly does not help me sleep.

Often after a bad night I finally drift off to sleep, only to be woken again shortly after by very loud banging any time from before 6am and this continues usually until well after 9am. Obviously this only applies to weekends and school holidays, during term time I have had to drive my children to school (20 mins away) on no sleep whatsoever on many occasions. I'm very worried about having an accident.

The very bad nights where he is awake anywhere from between midnight and 2am until my alarm goes off are around once a week on average, though sometimes there are clusters of nights like that one after the other. He also takes several hours to go to sleep each evening, with loud banging, crying and shrieking beginning at around 6pm and usually not stopping until after 9pm. I have to delay putting my own children to bed until about 20 minutes after the noise has stopped in case we wake him and it starts all over again. I am woken up by banging at least once pretty much every night, but the anxiety I experience around going to bed is now so severe that I often can't sleep for hours even if he makes little to no noise after he has gone to sleep.

I have tried sleeping in my lounge but as our bedrooms and the lounge are on the adjoining wall, all of the noise he makes travels up or down wherever he is and it is basically just as loud down there. It sounds as though he is inside the walls in my house during the day. When he plays in his room, there is scratching, tapping and banging along with vocal stimming which seems to go on all day. He goes into the garden when it isn't raining but the vocal stimming seems to be even louder when he is out there and he also throws stones and knocks them on the fence which is also noisy. I get absolutely no peace unless I put music or white noise on, but this has to be so loud to drown him out that it's not really relaxing.

On top of this, the boy's mother has a partner who got himself a Rottweiler puppy at the start of this year. He obviously cannot have the dog with him while he works, and so he drops the dog off at my neighbour's house in the mornings, usually when I am leaving to drive my children to school and the neighbour is putting the child into the taxi to go to school. The dog barks a great deal throughout the day, especially when he is left on his own which seems to happen at least once a day for various lengths of time, and it isn't collected until around 5-6pm. This means I cannot catch up on sleep during the day.

I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress. I went off sick from my job because the sleep deprivation was so bad I could not function, and was enevtually sacked at the start of this year because I could not provide a satisfactory answer when asked when I thought my health would improve, because the neighbours aren't going anywhere. I am now at risk of eviction as I have defaulted on my rent.

I have tried all available avenues to get support and advice but it seems I have absolutely no rights in this situation. My landlady isn't responsible for the noise which I do understand, so she won't consider soundproofing as it would cost her money and reduce the value of the property, she also won't negotiate my rent. As the noise is coming from a disabled child as opposed to 'nuisance noise' the police aren't interested. My landlady advised me to report my neighbour to the council, which would require me to take recordings over a period of time and submit them for review, after which the council may send a noise abatement order to the property. I am skeptical that this would achieve any meaningful resolution as the neighbour is already aware how this is impacting me and I highly doubt anything can be done to stop the child from doing what he is doing. The mother smokes weed during the day, I can smell it before I've even opened my car door when I get back from the school run and it's seeping through the wall into my kitchen at the back of the house, and it seems she is able to sleep through or ignore the noise for hours. I believe the child is being locked in his room and ignored throughout the night most of the time, but the police and social services don't seem to think this is a problem.

I had to contact social services on a couple of occasions during the summer. On one occasion I could hear the mother screaming and swearing at the child to shut up for a sustained period of time from around 3-4am. This was during the very hot period when everyone's windows were open at night and I expect everyone in my terrace heard. Later that week, after being kept awake all night, I went to get my cat in from the garden at 7am and saw the child had removed his nappy and was standing on the windowsill fully naked slamming on the glass and shrieking out of the top window. Behind the row of terrace houses where I live is a public thoroughfare which many people use to access the high street and train station, so a lot of people could have seen him as he wasn't let out of his room for a further 2 or more hours as is normal on non-school days.

A couple of nights ago I called the police at 2.30am because the banging and crying was far louder and more persistent than I'd ever heard before. They attended the property, knocked on the door but my neighbour didn't answer, so they left. The noise continued for several more hours. At 4am I spoke to the officer who had attended the property and he told me that unless they are aware that someone is definitely at risk of death, they aren't authorised to break down the door or even knock more aggressively. As they couldn't hear the noise from the front of the property (his bedroom is at the back of the house) they left and would not come back. I explained that the screaming and banging had been going on for over 2 hours and I was concerned it was far louder than ever before but was told that doesn't constitute an emergency. The following day the boy still appeared to be in his bedroom all the way through to the evening. I called 101 to report that I believed the child had been locked in his room since the previous evening but they weren't really interested.

I am at my wits end and have been contemplating taking my own life. I have PTSD from highly traumatic birth injury when my daughter was born, and when I am woken in the night by the loud banging, my nervous system reacts as if someone is breaking into my home. I have started experiencing chest pains during the night for the past 3 months and I have frequent panic attacks during the day because I get absolutely no break from the noise whether it's the child or the dog. I have posted polite requests through the neighbour's door twice, the first time asking if she could possibly move her son's bed away from the wall, and the second time requesting that she ask her partner to make alternative arrangements for his dog during the day if he is unable to take it to work with him, but neither of these have been responded to even though I provided my number and no action has been taken to change anything as far as I can tell. The noise has actually gotten worse.

My parents are my guarantors and since I defaulted on my rent they have been required to pay this for me. They are now pressuring me to give notice to my landlady so that they can get out of this contract, but I have nowhere else to go because without being able to get my health back on track, I cannot return to work.

Moving in with my parents is not an option for me because I would be nowhere near my children and I do not have a good relationship with them. We are essentially estranged and moving in with them would almost certainly see my already very fragile mental health declining even further very quickly. They agreed to be my guarantors five years ago as I was financially stable and this sort of situation just didn't even cross our minds. We have barely seen each other since then.

For the first time in my life I am receiving universal credit and am currently applying for PIP under the advice of several people I've spoken to at the DWP. I had never previously considered that I might be eligible for PIP nor had I even wanted to investigate this as I had been managing very well as a single parent working full-time from home until this family moved in. I feel incredibly guilty to be receiving benefits of any kind but unfortunately the impact of the sleep deprivation that this child has caused has been profound and I see absolutely no way of improving the situation while I'm still living in this house. I cannot leave the house to go to another private rental because my parents will not agree to be my guarantors again, which I can perfectly understand but it does sting as I did nothing irresponsible to get myself into this situation. I cannot afford to live anywhere else in this area anyway now that I am relying solely on UC, and so the only private rentals I would be able to find would likely be one bedroom flats or studios.

I have looked into how I might get myself on the social housing list but it seems that the only way to do this while privately renting is to be at risk of eviction. Since I have a guarantor, I don't think that my landlady is going to go down the eviction route, as legally she can continue to demand that my parents pay the rent for me and they are obliged to do so, otherwise she can take them to court.

I know the child is disabled, but I am now a burden on the state when I never needed to be, and there seems to be absolutely no route to a way out of this situation for me, that can't be right surely? Am I missing something? I do understand that his mum's life must be very difficult indeed, but she does not seem to be intervening when he is waking during the night at all for whatever reason, or even trying to stop him from banging things into the wall. I do not understand the rationale of moving into a mid-terraced house and not even giving the new neighbours a courtesy knock on the door to explain what they are going to be in for. I have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, it took me more than 6 months to raise any kind of complaint with my landlady or the neighbour because I wanted to be compassionate to their situation and give time for the child to settle, but the sleep deprivation has gotten worse and worse as time has gone on and nothing is being done about it, this is simply not sustainable.

Does anyone have any advice at all, for any part of my situation or the whole thing? I am honestly at breaking point and not very far away at all from harming myself.

"Obviously, there should be strict regulations about soundproofing homes and/or not placing people like this in certain housing likely to cause a noise disturbance to others."

"People like this " as in parents with severely autistic children? How very ableist of you.

And no one placed them there - they bought the house according to OP.

Unfortunately have no advice but I’m just so sorry you’re going through this. Bless you. Sounds like an actual nightmare.

Honestly some how or other you need to get yourself back to work and then move house.

Do you have a car? Could you live in the house during the day car camp for a few weeks and then get back to work? Or get a second hand caravan and pitch it at your parents’ house.

Or, if possible, could you get a job with a night shift- literally anything- which would mean that you could sleep during the day when he’s at school Monday- Friday? Even as a temporary measure. Or maybe something “live in” for a period so you can just move out and argue with your landlady about the rent later. I think “the Lady” has things like this on a reasonably regular basis.

I think I’d be giving notice on this house asap unless you can do this. Even if you have to rent something like a caravan for a few months, if you can get back to work then you can rent somewhere else.

If your parents are paying your rent anyway as guarantors, why won’t they help with rent if you move? Or are you holding them ransom as they have signed as your guarantor they have no choice but to pay? That’s not great…

If you are evicted thru rent arrears, the Council do not have a responsibility to rehouse you - you will be declared as making yourself homeless voluntarily.

Get your rent back up to date.

Then find somewhere else that you can afford - being on income support does give you a rental allowance.

Noise-cancellling headphones and phone on vibrate for your alarm?
And keep reporting, even if it does nothing else it will provide a paper trail for how this child is being neglected.

Just a reminder of what the OP wrote in her first post

‘I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress.’

could you not end your tenancy, move back with parents very briefly and get them to write an eviction notice saying that you have to leave theirs and will therefore be homeless which you can present to the council?

It's not really OP holding them ransom, it's the nature of being a guarantor. OP can't stop the landlord from requiring them to pay if she can't afford it. But the idea of getting them to help her move so she can get back into a place where she can work again is well worth a try.

This sounds absolutely horrendous, and I think you need to focus on getting yourself and your children into more suitable accommodation because the current situation clearly isn't sustainable.

Have you approached your local authority's housing options team and explained the full circumstances, including your lupus, the impact on your mental health, loss of employment and rent arrears? You don't necessarily need to have been formally evicted to approach them for homelessness prevention assistance.

I would also have a frank conversation with your landlady about the possibility of her commencing possession proceedings, given that you can no longer afford the rent. I wouldn't advise deliberately withholding rent or simply giving notice, as that could complicate matters. Equally, being evicted doesn't automatically mean you'll be offered social housing. I'd speak to Shelter before making any decisions.

I'd also ask your GP to provide supporting evidence about the impact the living conditions are having on your physical and mental health, particularly given how serious things have become.

Can I also ask what your relationship is like with your children's father? Given that you currently share care 50/50, would he potentially be able to have the children full time temporarily, with you seeing them regularly, whilst you try to navigate your housing situation and get your health back on track? I appreciate it's far from ideal, and it would obviously depend on your relationship and whether it would work for the children, but it might take some of the immediate pressure off you. It could also give you more flexibility to consider a smaller, more affordable property in the short term. Obviously you'd want to be clear that this was a temporary arrangement.

In terms of private renting in the future, is there a trusted friend who might be willing and financially able to act as a guarantor instead of your parents? Alternatively, some landlords may accept a professional guarantor service, although there are costs involved.

I would also pursue the council's environmental health complaints procedure, particularly regarding the banging and the dog barking. The child's disability doesn't automatically mean the council cannot investigate excessive noise, although obviously any action would need to take his needs into account.

Most importantly, please tell your GP urgently about the thoughts you've been having about harming yourself. You sound completely overwhelmed and deserve proper support.

I really hope you can find a way forward. I think the priority now has to be getting some proper housing advice and establishing a realistic route out of the property rather than waiting for the noise situation to improve.

This. My DS is 9 and profoundly disabled. He is autistic and pre verbal. He is awake for hours at night, but he is not locked in his room 'for safety' as we don't leave him alone, we stay with him for safety and also for comfort and to ensure he isn't disturbing his siblings sleep. He can be loud but his loud is belly laughs and happy vocal stims. This poor child sounds neglected and distressed. I would be continully calling the SS.

You have said that you’ve haven’t tried the council yet.I think this is worth a try, as they can issue noise abatement orders, and get them enforced. It’s not a quick process, but I think you might as well do this whilst looking for other solutions?. You need to speak to the Environmental Health team, and you will need to log the noise, and possibly use a monitoring device.

It may at least force the partner to find alternate dog care provision during the day and allow you some respite then.

I would think your only real option, as horrible as it is, is to serve notice on your flat at present to the council as homeless.

Have you visited your GP? I wonder if they can prescribe you sleeping tablets in the short term to catch up when you don’t have the kids. Then when you’re feeling more rested perhaps you can pick up more hours.

Could you work night shifts on the days you don’t have your children so you’re out at night and in when the kids at school?

Bloody awful OP, I really feel for you. As others have said, keep complaining in the meantime.

I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

I'm still flabbergasted at the fixing of a panel from your side of the fence without asking you and explaining why beforehand. Says a lot.

The rest of it sounds unbearable.

So they chose to bring a new baby and new puppy into this? If the mum is on weed on not able to look after the poor child she had? I don't understand why the police and social services aren't interested. You don't have more kids/pets if you can't manage in the situation you're already in, and doing serious damage to your disabled neighbour and her kids! Try both police and social services again OP.

There are agencies who act as a guarantor for you. You have to pay something like £50 a month for it, which is obviously an additional expense. They will likely become more common now you cant pay six or twelve months in advance like you used to be able to as a way to secure a property more easily if you couldnt pass the checks. Estate agents seem quite up on it.

That would make her intentionally homeless and the council would not owe a duty under the homeless act. Dont do that whatever you do!

I think she means the neighbours on the other side of the problem house had a baby

I don't really understand your post. I have called social services on 2 occasions, once when I heard the mother screaming "shut the fuck up or I'll shut you up!" at the child among other things and once when I saw the child naked at a window that is visible from the street. I called the police once because the noise was much louder and with a lot more crying than I have ever heard before and for an extended period of time.

I am not looking for reasons to get this woman in trouble, I am looking for a way to get some sleep in my own home. I fully appreciate how hard her life must be and for those asking why I let things get so bad, this is already answered in my OP, I wanted to give the family time to settle in their new home before immediately complaining at the first inconvenience I experienced, which is the very opposite of what you're saying.

For those up in arms about my parents paying my rent, please understand I did not ask them to. My landlady went straight to them and they paid it and then contacted me. I am not currently in any arrears whatsoever. I have been in communications about this with my landlady about the noise disturbance for a long time. I know it's not her fault or responsibility, but it's not mine either, I never asked for this. When I inevitably leave, she will have to get another tenant in and as I understand it she is not legally obliged to mention this when showing them the property.

I cannot move in with my parents. The reasons aren't relevant but I have had a very strained relationship with them for my entire life. I do not feel comfortable around them at all. We have a superficial and cordial relationship which facilitated them offering to be guarantor when I moved here, but having been asked to fulfil that duty unexpectedly has understandably resulted in them revoking that offer for any future rental.

I am trying to find out exactly where I stand in terms of housing options but I don't think a lot of posters appreciate how difficult it is to navigate forms that are 20 pages long and require a dozen documents uploaded just to be considered when suffering with acute sleep deprivation, a chronic health conditions which is extremely painful and also trying to hold it together in front of my children. I am trying really hard. I do not expect my parents to continue paying my rent and I desperately want to get out of here but sleeping in my car as has been suggested is only going to exacerbate my health issues. I am in a lot of pain every day and I was before any of this even started.

My daughter is also impacted by the noise but not my son who sleeps in the loft room. I tried to sleep up there this morning after being woken at about 6am but could still hear shrieking and banging from up there. I've already tried the lounge. My daughter manages to sleep through more of the noise than I do but not all.

I have tried to engage with the neighbour by providing my telephone number but she doesn't seem to want to speak to me. I've tried to catch her eye in the morning when we are getting our children into the car/taxi for school but she avoids looking at me.

Genuine question for the parents of children who seem to have similar issues to this boy, if you were already avoiding confrontation with a neighbour, would you appreciate me knocking on your door to chat during the day? I completely agree she must be absolutely exhausted too, but in that case rather than agreeing to look after an enormous dog which spends much of the day barking, I would have thought she should be sleeping during the day when her son is at school so she can attend to him at night. Is there any reason why she might not be able to do that?

I sympathise with you so much. Although I've read you have housing issues, thank goodness you don't own the place because selling it with neighbours like that would be so difficult.

Long term nocturnalism would be really awful, I can understand her not wanting to sleep all day and be awake all night dealing with his meltdowns. She’s probably so ragged at this point that she’s sort of unable to think about other people (if that makes sense) and just focuses on surviving the day.

I have not read the whole post becuase it is far too long. But your best solution is to find another rental property unless there is a good reason that you are unable to move.

Can you move in with your parents in the mid term? I would absolutely let me adult child and grandkids back home in this scenario.

The child is autistic. The council are going to be walking on eggshells in this situation.

That's correct yes. The neighbours on the other side have a daughter, roughly 10yo and a new baby.

Then why move into a mid-terraced house?

Sounds a nightmare. Life is so awful when people keep waking you up. I hear you.