Neighbour's autistic son, sleep deprivation and health/housing impacts.

[Anonymousaurus]

I am in a desperate situation and would be grateful for any advice anyone may have. I think I've included everything but please feel free to ask if I've missed any details. Sorry it's ended up so long, there wasn't really a brief way to give full context.

I live in a mid-terrace house which I privately rent, my two children (10 and 12) are with me 50% of the time and we have lived here almost 5 years. Last August, a lady bought the house next door and moved in with her autistic son. I would guess he is around 8, but it's hard to tell as he is still in nappies. He is non-verbal and I believe also visually impaired. He makes loud, vocal stimming noises almost constantly whenever he is awake.

For context as I know I'll be asked, I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

The issue I am having is that the child wakes frequently almost every night, and very often for several hours right through til morning. I am woken almost every single night by extremely loud banging which I believe to be his bedframe slamming into the wall when he jumps on the bed. This also sends vibrations through my floor so I can hear and feel it. He also bangs on the window (I have seen this from my garden), rattles the door (I think he is locked in overnight for safety) drags things across the wall, bangs toys into the window and shrieks and cries. It goes on for hours. I very rarely hear anyone go into his room to settle him, but whether they do or not makes no difference to the noise.

I have tried various types of earplugs, white noise machine, having a fan in my room, opening the window and nothing even remotely dampens the noise. Using ear plugs only puts me at risk of missing my alarm and not getting my children to school on time, it certainly does not help me sleep.

Often after a bad night I finally drift off to sleep, only to be woken again shortly after by very loud banging any time from before 6am and this continues usually until well after 9am. Obviously this only applies to weekends and school holidays, during term time I have had to drive my children to school (20 mins away) on no sleep whatsoever on many occasions. I'm very worried about having an accident.

The very bad nights where he is awake anywhere from between midnight and 2am until my alarm goes off are around once a week on average, though sometimes there are clusters of nights like that one after the other. He also takes several hours to go to sleep each evening, with loud banging, crying and shrieking beginning at around 6pm and usually not stopping until after 9pm. I have to delay putting my own children to bed until about 20 minutes after the noise has stopped in case we wake him and it starts all over again. I am woken up by banging at least once pretty much every night, but the anxiety I experience around going to bed is now so severe that I often can't sleep for hours even if he makes little to no noise after he has gone to sleep.

I have tried sleeping in my lounge but as our bedrooms and the lounge are on the adjoining wall, all of the noise he makes travels up or down wherever he is and it is basically just as loud down there. It sounds as though he is inside the walls in my house during the day. When he plays in his room, there is scratching, tapping and banging along with vocal stimming which seems to go on all day. He goes into the garden when it isn't raining but the vocal stimming seems to be even louder when he is out there and he also throws stones and knocks them on the fence which is also noisy. I get absolutely no peace unless I put music or white noise on, but this has to be so loud to drown him out that it's not really relaxing.

On top of this, the boy's mother has a partner who got himself a Rottweiler puppy at the start of this year. He obviously cannot have the dog with him while he works, and so he drops the dog off at my neighbour's house in the mornings, usually when I am leaving to drive my children to school and the neighbour is putting the child into the taxi to go to school. The dog barks a great deal throughout the day, especially when he is left on his own which seems to happen at least once a day for various lengths of time, and it isn't collected until around 5-6pm. This means I cannot catch up on sleep during the day.

I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress. I went off sick from my job because the sleep deprivation was so bad I could not function, and was enevtually sacked at the start of this year because I could not provide a satisfactory answer when asked when I thought my health would improve, because the neighbours aren't going anywhere. I am now at risk of eviction as I have defaulted on my rent.

I have tried all available avenues to get support and advice but it seems I have absolutely no rights in this situation. My landlady isn't responsible for the noise which I do understand, so she won't consider soundproofing as it would cost her money and reduce the value of the property, she also won't negotiate my rent. As the noise is coming from a disabled child as opposed to 'nuisance noise' the police aren't interested. My landlady advised me to report my neighbour to the council, which would require me to take recordings over a period of time and submit them for review, after which the council may send a noise abatement order to the property. I am skeptical that this would achieve any meaningful resolution as the neighbour is already aware how this is impacting me and I highly doubt anything can be done to stop the child from doing what he is doing. The mother smokes weed during the day, I can smell it before I've even opened my car door when I get back from the school run and it's seeping through the wall into my kitchen at the back of the house, and it seems she is able to sleep through or ignore the noise for hours. I believe the child is being locked in his room and ignored throughout the night most of the time, but the police and social services don't seem to think this is a problem.

I had to contact social services on a couple of occasions during the summer. On one occasion I could hear the mother screaming and swearing at the child to shut up for a sustained period of time from around 3-4am. This was during the very hot period when everyone's windows were open at night and I expect everyone in my terrace heard. Later that week, after being kept awake all night, I went to get my cat in from the garden at 7am and saw the child had removed his nappy and was standing on the windowsill fully naked slamming on the glass and shrieking out of the top window. Behind the row of terrace houses where I live is a public thoroughfare which many people use to access the high street and train station, so a lot of people could have seen him as he wasn't let out of his room for a further 2 or more hours as is normal on non-school days.

A couple of nights ago I called the police at 2.30am because the banging and crying was far louder and more persistent than I'd ever heard before. They attended the property, knocked on the door but my neighbour didn't answer, so they left. The noise continued for several more hours. At 4am I spoke to the officer who had attended the property and he told me that unless they are aware that someone is definitely at risk of death, they aren't authorised to break down the door or even knock more aggressively. As they couldn't hear the noise from the front of the property (his bedroom is at the back of the house) they left and would not come back. I explained that the screaming and banging had been going on for over 2 hours and I was concerned it was far louder than ever before but was told that doesn't constitute an emergency. The following day the boy still appeared to be in his bedroom all the way through to the evening. I called 101 to report that I believed the child had been locked in his room since the previous evening but they weren't really interested.

I am at my wits end and have been contemplating taking my own life. I have PTSD from highly traumatic birth injury when my daughter was born, and when I am woken in the night by the loud banging, my nervous system reacts as if someone is breaking into my home. I have started experiencing chest pains during the night for the past 3 months and I have frequent panic attacks during the day because I get absolutely no break from the noise whether it's the child or the dog. I have posted polite requests through the neighbour's door twice, the first time asking if she could possibly move her son's bed away from the wall, and the second time requesting that she ask her partner to make alternative arrangements for his dog during the day if he is unable to take it to work with him, but neither of these have been responded to even though I provided my number and no action has been taken to change anything as far as I can tell. The noise has actually gotten worse.

My parents are my guarantors and since I defaulted on my rent they have been required to pay this for me. They are now pressuring me to give notice to my landlady so that they can get out of this contract, but I have nowhere else to go because without being able to get my health back on track, I cannot return to work.

Moving in with my parents is not an option for me because I would be nowhere near my children and I do not have a good relationship with them. We are essentially estranged and moving in with them would almost certainly see my already very fragile mental health declining even further very quickly. They agreed to be my guarantors five years ago as I was financially stable and this sort of situation just didn't even cross our minds. We have barely seen each other since then.

For the first time in my life I am receiving universal credit and am currently applying for PIP under the advice of several people I've spoken to at the DWP. I had never previously considered that I might be eligible for PIP nor had I even wanted to investigate this as I had been managing very well as a single parent working full-time from home until this family moved in. I feel incredibly guilty to be receiving benefits of any kind but unfortunately the impact of the sleep deprivation that this child has caused has been profound and I see absolutely no way of improving the situation while I'm still living in this house. I cannot leave the house to go to another private rental because my parents will not agree to be my guarantors again, which I can perfectly understand but it does sting as I did nothing irresponsible to get myself into this situation. I cannot afford to live anywhere else in this area anyway now that I am relying solely on UC, and so the only private rentals I would be able to find would likely be one bedroom flats or studios.

I have looked into how I might get myself on the social housing list but it seems that the only way to do this while privately renting is to be at risk of eviction. Since I have a guarantor, I don't think that my landlady is going to go down the eviction route, as legally she can continue to demand that my parents pay the rent for me and they are obliged to do so, otherwise she can take them to court.

I know the child is disabled, but I am now a burden on the state when I never needed to be, and there seems to be absolutely no route to a way out of this situation for me, that can't be right surely? Am I missing something? I do understand that his mum's life must be very difficult indeed, but she does not seem to be intervening when he is waking during the night at all for whatever reason, or even trying to stop him from banging things into the wall. I do not understand the rationale of moving into a mid-terraced house and not even giving the new neighbours a courtesy knock on the door to explain what they are going to be in for. I have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, it took me more than 6 months to raise any kind of complaint with my landlady or the neighbour because I wanted to be compassionate to their situation and give time for the child to settle, but the sleep deprivation has gotten worse and worse as time has gone on and nothing is being done about it, this is simply not sustainable.

Does anyone have any advice at all, for any part of my situation or the whole thing? I am honestly at breaking point and not very far away at all from harming myself.

You have to sleep when you can, find another job, put up with the lack of sleep until you have enough money to move. Even if involves an occasional night in a friend's spare room or a half hour nap in your car, sleep deprivation is something to get through until you can move.

You can do a web search or ask AI what specific phrases will trigger the police and social services to intervene when you next call. Unfortunately you do have to use the "right" words or they will not prioritise the call.

As pp have said, engage with the council noise process asap. Or, be clear that you have no energy to do that and will leave, asap. This is not a sustainable living situation and you deserve to be free of it.

To gently challenge your thinking on being trapped in the situation. Because you are renting you have a huge advantage. You can give notice and leave in a matter of weeks. If you owned the house then the situation would be much worse. You are actually in a good position here although it does not feel that way. You can and will get into a better situation.

If your parents pay your rent for this property why wouldn’t they pay rent for another property? Guarantors don’t automatically pay rent, they have to if you don’t?

Ahh yes this was pre RRA and were homes found through adverts rather than agencies so my experience is obvs old hat now.

Exactly. I literally don't know what to do. I am so frightened because of my current mental state and having no idea whether my physical health is likely to recover from this. My kidney function is already worse than it was a year ago and my joints are much more painful, I've now started to experience chest pains at night when I'm woken suddenly. I used to do so much to take care of my physical health to make sure I could stay in work but nothing compares to sleep deprivation. I feel like I've aged 20 years in 13 months.

It does sound like a living nightmare. So much advice but the thing that springs to my mind is I'm hopeless when overtired. Logic and ability to do straightforward things go right out the window.

Finding a way to get a few good nights sleep might be a best first step to review all the advice given and start to make a plan to move forwards.

Is there anywhere you can go for a few nights, distant relative who might put you up, friend with a spare room? Can you scrape together enough money to get a few nights in an out of season air bnb type accomodation to just breathe, step away and buy yourself a little space to think.

Thank you. I am trying to stay positive, it just seems so overwhelmingly difficult to risk putting my children in such a precarious situation. If I was on my own I could move anywhere temporarily, even with the health issues but because I am so unwell i have no idea how long it would take me to get back into work or how easily I would even find a new job in the current market.

I have a profoundly autistic child and sleeping when he’s at school isn’t a possibility.

Aside from working full time, I also can’t do any housework or even cooking really when he’s here. I can’t do any of the reams of paperwork that are a result of his needs when he’s here. The school could (and do) ring at basically any moment to say he needs collecting because of xyz. I can’t food shop with him here. The list goes on.

The dog barking would drive me up the wall, my house is tiring and noisy enough, but I’d definitely be unfortunately up and about anyway.

Precisely. I think a lot of posters are well meaning (not all but I'm just ignoring those) but cannot appreciate how this feels. I would like this to post partum sleep deprivation, only it's not my baby and it isn't going to grow out of it. I think I can go and stay with my sister for a couple of days when my children go back to their dad for the weekend.

Thank you for answering. She doesn't work as far as I can tell from the weed, but of course I can't be sure. But obviously that's not the only thing that needs attending to in her household.

It really isn't when it's one of the main driving factors for a chronic health condition getting worse and worse. If my health wasn't a factor I'd already be out of here.

Also, sleep when? If you've actually read my full op you'll see the child is noisy all evening and night and the dog is barking all day.

There is a similar problem where I live, the immedidate neighbours are at their wits end with it.

I have a similar situation. Also in a terraced house and the son has, what I assume is autism and neglectful, alcoholic, parents. He screams so loud, right outside my front door. He stands at the window shouting to my dog to 'bark!' which obviously sets my dog off.
He is either on the backs screaming and shouting (though sometimes he's quiet until he sees I'm out, then starts with the noise. He doesn't get much attention at home unless the parents are screaming and shouting at him.) and on the fronts, his new game is to get lorry drivers to beep. We're on a busy, main road, (doors open to the street so no garden to create distance) and I can see why they do it, kids love that sort of thing, but when it's been loud, repetitive beeps for a solid hour or two, it's so annoying and again, sets the dog off barking each time, it's so depressing... And exhausting trying to keep the dog quiet as I don't want to annoy the neighbours, even though it's the boy doing it...

I've even started having audible hallucinations. I always expect to hear either their music blaring until 2am, with the drunk parents encouraging the boy to whoop and holler, or the boy screaming/shouting/horns blaring/random noises... So loud and abrupt constantly. There's nothing seemingly to be done but it's making me a nervous wreck. I have PTSD which doesn't help. The street is silent when they're not home. A neighbour did once ask them to be quiet so they bought the boy a karaoke machine and set it to full volume. Just feels like there's absolutely nothing that can be done and I've also felt suicidal from the lack of sleep/constant on edge waiting for it to start then waiting for it to finish.

So I totally get it. It's almost like they know when you're trying to rest and it's absolutely torture.

Honestly I think you need to speak to the mother politely, inform your landlady of the situation and the council; and then look to move and state why.
Why stay when this is such an awful quality of life for you??? Honestly I think just move really and find somewhere you can all enjoy life. It sounds like it will not improve, probably will get worse and it sounds like an awful place to live for you & your kids.

This is unlikely to work. The council will deem her ‘intentionally homeless’ as she left her house.

having said that, I don’t have any advice. It sounds difficult for all involved. Unless OP gets advice from MP or a housing solicitor?

Jesus C this is awful.
Please move by any means possible!!! Sorry to everyone having to live like this, it’s shocking and you really shouldn’t have to tolerate this.

Mum of a non verbal, non sleeping, sensory seeking child here - this isn't on. Id keep flagging to police & SS - the child being locked in the room is a fire risk & mum clearly needs more support. Could you go sleep at a friend's or your family's when your children are away to give you some respite at least?

Oh, you poor thing. I honestly don't know how you've managed to keep going for this long. The combination of sleep deprivation, lupus, losing your job and worrying about your home must be absolutely overwhelming. I'm particularly concerned by what you've said about feeling close to taking your own life. Please speak to your GP urgently, or call 111 and ask for mental health support. You really shouldn't have to get through this on your own.
One thing I'd definitely do is contact your council's homelessness team. Please don't assume you have to wait until you're evicted. Explain everything, including your health, the rent arrears, losing your job and the fact that your children live with you half the time. Ask for a homelessness assessment on medical grounds. Get your GP to put in writing how badly your health is being affected. Shelter (0808 800 4444) would be a good place to start for advice about your housing options.
I'd also pursue the environmental health complaint, even if you're sceptical that anything will come of it. Noise from a disabled child isn't automatically exempt from investigation, and the dog's barking is a separate issue. Keep a diary of the noise, particularly overnight, and ask the council what evidence they need. You may not get the outcome you want, but I wouldn't give up on this route without trying.
Regarding the child, I think it's reasonable to report the specific incidents that have concerned you to children's social services, without making assumptions about what's happening behind closed doors. They can decide whether further investigation is needed.
Please don't feel guilty about claiming benefits, either. You've worked, you've supported yourself and your children, and now you're unwell and struggling. That's precisely the sort of situation the safety net is there for.
I really think the priority is getting you some help with your health and housing before you reach breaking point. You don't have to prove that the mother is doing something wrong to deserve help yourself, and you don't have to choose between enduring this indefinitely and moving in with your parents.
I really hope you can get some support with this. And please, if you feel you might act on those thoughts of harming yourself, call 999 or go to A&E. You matter too, and this situation needs to change before it costs you any more of your health 💛

You’re exactly right on many counts - we’ve had 10 years of wakeful nights now and it’s exactly like never ending post partum wake ups. Just with a child who won’t stay in a cot and roams the house instead.

We’re lucky he’s not a shouter in the night. Now. He was up until he was about 6. There is now only us he’s causing a nuisance to turning taps on and climbing on bannisters at 3am!

My assumption is that the shouting is because she’s exhausted, and at the very end of her tether. The clothes thing, many of our kids do it in the own homes, mine certainly does, and as much as I get him away from windows I can’t always prevent him being near one to begin with.

I don’t do it myself, but the weed might be to chill her out. Raising kids like mine (and I’m guessing hers) is incredibly stressful.

The dog feels like an insane addition to a tiring situation, as I said. I don’t need a single additional living being in the house thanks!

Id go to your MP for help with housing. This isn't intentional homeless as it is now affecting your health.

My god that sounds absolutely awful. You poor thing. The PTSD is probably the worst bit I think, I jump out of my skin when people start talking at a normal volume after a quiet period now. I don't think my neighbours are trying to 'egg him on' so to speak but I can't help but wonder if me mentioning anything at all has caused irritation. I imagine if I was in that situation it would be so awful to be asked if my child could keep it down, I'd probably feel quite resentful of people able to go home to a comparatively perfect life after complaining that my daily struggle was causing them inconvenience. But still we surely all have a right to peace in our own home?!

Thank you so much. I really appreciate everything you've said.

Could you come at this from a different tack and get someone medical, GP or rheumatologist to certify that the conditions are not suitable for you. That might let you go to the local authority and not be regarded as intentionally homeless?

Have you read any of the op?