Neighbour's autistic son, sleep deprivation and health/housing impacts.

[Anonymousaurus]

I am in a desperate situation and would be grateful for any advice anyone may have. I think I've included everything but please feel free to ask if I've missed any details. Sorry it's ended up so long, there wasn't really a brief way to give full context.

I live in a mid-terrace house which I privately rent, my two children (10 and 12) are with me 50% of the time and we have lived here almost 5 years. Last August, a lady bought the house next door and moved in with her autistic son. I would guess he is around 8, but it's hard to tell as he is still in nappies. He is non-verbal and I believe also visually impaired. He makes loud, vocal stimming noises almost constantly whenever he is awake.

For context as I know I'll be asked, I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

The issue I am having is that the child wakes frequently almost every night, and very often for several hours right through til morning. I am woken almost every single night by extremely loud banging which I believe to be his bedframe slamming into the wall when he jumps on the bed. This also sends vibrations through my floor so I can hear and feel it. He also bangs on the window (I have seen this from my garden), rattles the door (I think he is locked in overnight for safety) drags things across the wall, bangs toys into the window and shrieks and cries. It goes on for hours. I very rarely hear anyone go into his room to settle him, but whether they do or not makes no difference to the noise.

I have tried various types of earplugs, white noise machine, having a fan in my room, opening the window and nothing even remotely dampens the noise. Using ear plugs only puts me at risk of missing my alarm and not getting my children to school on time, it certainly does not help me sleep.

Often after a bad night I finally drift off to sleep, only to be woken again shortly after by very loud banging any time from before 6am and this continues usually until well after 9am. Obviously this only applies to weekends and school holidays, during term time I have had to drive my children to school (20 mins away) on no sleep whatsoever on many occasions. I'm very worried about having an accident.

The very bad nights where he is awake anywhere from between midnight and 2am until my alarm goes off are around once a week on average, though sometimes there are clusters of nights like that one after the other. He also takes several hours to go to sleep each evening, with loud banging, crying and shrieking beginning at around 6pm and usually not stopping until after 9pm. I have to delay putting my own children to bed until about 20 minutes after the noise has stopped in case we wake him and it starts all over again. I am woken up by banging at least once pretty much every night, but the anxiety I experience around going to bed is now so severe that I often can't sleep for hours even if he makes little to no noise after he has gone to sleep.

I have tried sleeping in my lounge but as our bedrooms and the lounge are on the adjoining wall, all of the noise he makes travels up or down wherever he is and it is basically just as loud down there. It sounds as though he is inside the walls in my house during the day. When he plays in his room, there is scratching, tapping and banging along with vocal stimming which seems to go on all day. He goes into the garden when it isn't raining but the vocal stimming seems to be even louder when he is out there and he also throws stones and knocks them on the fence which is also noisy. I get absolutely no peace unless I put music or white noise on, but this has to be so loud to drown him out that it's not really relaxing.

On top of this, the boy's mother has a partner who got himself a Rottweiler puppy at the start of this year. He obviously cannot have the dog with him while he works, and so he drops the dog off at my neighbour's house in the mornings, usually when I am leaving to drive my children to school and the neighbour is putting the child into the taxi to go to school. The dog barks a great deal throughout the day, especially when he is left on his own which seems to happen at least once a day for various lengths of time, and it isn't collected until around 5-6pm. This means I cannot catch up on sleep during the day.

I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress. I went off sick from my job because the sleep deprivation was so bad I could not function, and was enevtually sacked at the start of this year because I could not provide a satisfactory answer when asked when I thought my health would improve, because the neighbours aren't going anywhere. I am now at risk of eviction as I have defaulted on my rent.

I have tried all available avenues to get support and advice but it seems I have absolutely no rights in this situation. My landlady isn't responsible for the noise which I do understand, so she won't consider soundproofing as it would cost her money and reduce the value of the property, she also won't negotiate my rent. As the noise is coming from a disabled child as opposed to 'nuisance noise' the police aren't interested. My landlady advised me to report my neighbour to the council, which would require me to take recordings over a period of time and submit them for review, after which the council may send a noise abatement order to the property. I am skeptical that this would achieve any meaningful resolution as the neighbour is already aware how this is impacting me and I highly doubt anything can be done to stop the child from doing what he is doing. The mother smokes weed during the day, I can smell it before I've even opened my car door when I get back from the school run and it's seeping through the wall into my kitchen at the back of the house, and it seems she is able to sleep through or ignore the noise for hours. I believe the child is being locked in his room and ignored throughout the night most of the time, but the police and social services don't seem to think this is a problem.

I had to contact social services on a couple of occasions during the summer. On one occasion I could hear the mother screaming and swearing at the child to shut up for a sustained period of time from around 3-4am. This was during the very hot period when everyone's windows were open at night and I expect everyone in my terrace heard. Later that week, after being kept awake all night, I went to get my cat in from the garden at 7am and saw the child had removed his nappy and was standing on the windowsill fully naked slamming on the glass and shrieking out of the top window. Behind the row of terrace houses where I live is a public thoroughfare which many people use to access the high street and train station, so a lot of people could have seen him as he wasn't let out of his room for a further 2 or more hours as is normal on non-school days.

A couple of nights ago I called the police at 2.30am because the banging and crying was far louder and more persistent than I'd ever heard before. They attended the property, knocked on the door but my neighbour didn't answer, so they left. The noise continued for several more hours. At 4am I spoke to the officer who had attended the property and he told me that unless they are aware that someone is definitely at risk of death, they aren't authorised to break down the door or even knock more aggressively. As they couldn't hear the noise from the front of the property (his bedroom is at the back of the house) they left and would not come back. I explained that the screaming and banging had been going on for over 2 hours and I was concerned it was far louder than ever before but was told that doesn't constitute an emergency. The following day the boy still appeared to be in his bedroom all the way through to the evening. I called 101 to report that I believed the child had been locked in his room since the previous evening but they weren't really interested.

I am at my wits end and have been contemplating taking my own life. I have PTSD from highly traumatic birth injury when my daughter was born, and when I am woken in the night by the loud banging, my nervous system reacts as if someone is breaking into my home. I have started experiencing chest pains during the night for the past 3 months and I have frequent panic attacks during the day because I get absolutely no break from the noise whether it's the child or the dog. I have posted polite requests through the neighbour's door twice, the first time asking if she could possibly move her son's bed away from the wall, and the second time requesting that she ask her partner to make alternative arrangements for his dog during the day if he is unable to take it to work with him, but neither of these have been responded to even though I provided my number and no action has been taken to change anything as far as I can tell. The noise has actually gotten worse.

My parents are my guarantors and since I defaulted on my rent they have been required to pay this for me. They are now pressuring me to give notice to my landlady so that they can get out of this contract, but I have nowhere else to go because without being able to get my health back on track, I cannot return to work.

Moving in with my parents is not an option for me because I would be nowhere near my children and I do not have a good relationship with them. We are essentially estranged and moving in with them would almost certainly see my already very fragile mental health declining even further very quickly. They agreed to be my guarantors five years ago as I was financially stable and this sort of situation just didn't even cross our minds. We have barely seen each other since then.

For the first time in my life I am receiving universal credit and am currently applying for PIP under the advice of several people I've spoken to at the DWP. I had never previously considered that I might be eligible for PIP nor had I even wanted to investigate this as I had been managing very well as a single parent working full-time from home until this family moved in. I feel incredibly guilty to be receiving benefits of any kind but unfortunately the impact of the sleep deprivation that this child has caused has been profound and I see absolutely no way of improving the situation while I'm still living in this house. I cannot leave the house to go to another private rental because my parents will not agree to be my guarantors again, which I can perfectly understand but it does sting as I did nothing irresponsible to get myself into this situation. I cannot afford to live anywhere else in this area anyway now that I am relying solely on UC, and so the only private rentals I would be able to find would likely be one bedroom flats or studios.

I have looked into how I might get myself on the social housing list but it seems that the only way to do this while privately renting is to be at risk of eviction. Since I have a guarantor, I don't think that my landlady is going to go down the eviction route, as legally she can continue to demand that my parents pay the rent for me and they are obliged to do so, otherwise she can take them to court.

I know the child is disabled, but I am now a burden on the state when I never needed to be, and there seems to be absolutely no route to a way out of this situation for me, that can't be right surely? Am I missing something? I do understand that his mum's life must be very difficult indeed, but she does not seem to be intervening when he is waking during the night at all for whatever reason, or even trying to stop him from banging things into the wall. I do not understand the rationale of moving into a mid-terraced house and not even giving the new neighbours a courtesy knock on the door to explain what they are going to be in for. I have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, it took me more than 6 months to raise any kind of complaint with my landlady or the neighbour because I wanted to be compassionate to their situation and give time for the child to settle, but the sleep deprivation has gotten worse and worse as time has gone on and nothing is being done about it, this is simply not sustainable.

Does anyone have any advice at all, for any part of my situation or the whole thing? I am honestly at breaking point and not very far away at all from harming myself.

OP says she’s estranged from her parents, not her children.

So in a situation like this where you need to bring together multiple agencies (police, council, housing, social services) your MP can help forge a path forward. Go to a constituency surgery and tell them what you wrote here. They have a lot of power and can get things sorted.

it sounds like that mother is not coping with her child’s needs at all.

This sounds very difficult for you. I can also see the other side. Speaking from experience it is very difficult to stop an autistic child from stimming (and stimming can mean banging walls and furniture) if they are ritualistic about it. The child may not be being neglected or abused at all - they may be banging when they wake up. I would hope that the police and social services have ruled out abuse and you were right to raise concerns, even if they ultimately found that the banging is just stimming rather than a form of distress.

Autistic children bang for all kinds of reasons and while it might sound really scary to a neighbour it isn’t always easy to prevent. I am sure it is probably driving the mum as crazy as it is you.

I think you have to move. If you really can’t afford to then you could try paying out for those very expensive earplugs that are moulded to your ear hole shape. But ultimately I would look at moving because your mental health is suffering so badly. The situation is unlikely to change but you can change your proximity to it - you have control over that.

If you were sitting on a sofa with a chronically ill friend who had admitted to having suicidal thoughts because of their living arrangements, is this how you'd respond to them?

Yes but as a fellow SEN parent the ideal is for the child to be occupied by parents or carers, doing activities, therapy etc so they don’t have to be locked up. I co-slept with my son for years as he’d escape his own room, for example.

I absolutely understand the challenges of SEN parenting and how noisy autistic kids can be. But this sounds like the mother isn’t coping and is locking him up to give herself a break.

I think you need to move house as soon as possible!

Basically I think your best option is to move… owing to your personal circumstances you may well be eligible for social housing but I would contact the local council housing department and explain everything to them.
if your parents “refuse” to act as guarantor then basically you could be considered homeless and be a priority

I would absolutely hate this. Could your children stay with their (I’m assuming their father (who has them 50% of the time) and you go to your parents temporarily? Is this an option??

OP the only thing you can control in this whole situation is getting out of that house/letting. You can complain to your landlady, the council, the neighbour etc but you can't guarantee anything will change. I'm not sure whether the child is capable of not making the noise.

It will only change if you move out.

I agree with your parents - give notice and move as soon as you can. your other problems/issues might resolve if you are actually getting to sleep. Sleep deprivation is horrendous. Move out - in with your parents if necessary and then regroup and try to get yourself back on track.

Move back in with your parents, estranged or not, they can then go to court saying they want you out. You’ll be added to the housing list and prioritised as homeless.

Depends on the landlord,

in general, if a prospective tenant is unemployed/low income, the answer is mainly yes a guarantor is necessary to even begin the referencing process,

however, there are outliers, but the pressure on the private rented sector over the last 10 years (especially since Lockdown 1 ended) has has certainly reduced this pool of more open-minded landlords

and

unfortunately, the Renters Rights Act has now removed the ability of tenants to trust a letting agent/landlord with 3-6 months rent up front - in lieu of a guarantor

There are some companies that purport to act as a guarantor for a fee - the bind is getting the letting agents/landlords to accept them as a suitable alternative to a guarantor known to the tenant.

Letting agents have a policy of Gross mthly income must = 2.5 x mthly rent, then proudly exclaim BuT wE dOn'T dIsCrImInAte AgAiNsT pEoPlE oN bEnEfItS

More scope on places like OpenRent or Gumtree,

OP I’m so sorry you are suffering like this, it sounds unbearable. I don’t have any experience but if I were you I’d:

-log the noise with the council every day/time. Take notes of the times and types of noise, including him being locked in his room

-keep calling the police. Make them come into your house so they can hear the noise. Them dismissing it as they can’t hear from the front is ridiculous

-contact social services with the above info

-in the meantime, can you speak to your landlady and ask her to evict you based on the circumstances? Hopefully she’d agree to that rather than risk your parents not paying the rent (not sure how it works tho sorry!)

-contact your gp and explain the situation and the impact it’s having on your mental health, if you can get seen properly they might be able to assist with sorting out some alternative accommodation for you? You might have to be persistent about getting help though, don’t let them fob you off

do you have a car, or a friends house you could catch up on sleep in while your children are at school? Bit extreme I know but if you can get some undisturbed sleep you might feel a little bit better?

really hope it gets better for you x

You could move. She can’t do anything about her child’s additional needs.

So, she was responsive but you haven't bothered to speak to her? Just suffer in silence? Why?

Obviously, there should be strict regulations about soundproofing homes and/or not placing people like this in certain housing likely to cause a noise disturbance to others.

The landlady is lying. Soundproofing can increase the desire to buy a home.

I know you've said you've spoken to social services but have you asked to make a safeguarding referral? Have they said this doesn't meet the threshold?

Don't give up. Literally anything is better than this. Even renting a caravan and getting a P.O box until you can think straight again. This is not worth taking your life. I'm sorry you're going through this. This situation will end and you'll go on to better things. Get out of there OP.

What about the impact on your children OP, you don't say too much about that? I appreciate you say you don't have much of a relationship with your parents, but the fact that they are guarantors suggests that they do offer you support, and a temporary move in with them may help in the short term. It can't be worse than your current situation.

Aside from moving, my only other suggestion is to get a vibrating alarm clock. That way you can put on good earplugs and hopefully get some more sleep x

It doesn’t really matter if the OP has put up with the noise for 18 months or 18 years so will people stop victim blaming her.

OP you can absolutely report the noise nuisance to the council. Keep a noise diary citing date, what time, how long, what the noise was and the effect on you, Also log with the council on their website, no need to call during the night every time. They will call you back. If you call the police, get them through the house to hear the noise through the walls and out the back.There isn’t a lot they can do if they can’t witness anything.

If you think the child is being neglected then you can report to Social Services anonymously. You need to be clear about what you think the neglect is, the swearing , the locking in the room and so on, not talk about your reaction to it or your mental state.

As someone has suggested, ask your landlord to issue you with an eviction notice. The council will rehouse you eventually but you may have to either live in a hostel or a flat far away from your area. Bear this in mind. They can also house you in private rental as well as council housing.

I know it sounds overwhelming, Ive had noise problems where I live too, and it takes a while to resolve but you need to chip away at the authorities until they have enough evidence to act on. It’s not the fault of the child but it could be the mother is struggling and needs more support. It is clear you are struggling too. Have you spoke to your GP about the effect on you? It may help further down the line but they might also find some support for you as well. You don’t have to do this on your own.

The whole situation sounds hellish but yes, they entered your garden and put some fencing up without asking? WTF?

@Anonymousaurus You said you are on UC . Part of it is a Housing element which you can claim. This is like Housing Benefit , get in touch with the Benefits office . It's available for both private rentals and Council ones, so it could help if you want to move .

He sounds just like my son. So naturally I feel so torn but I do everything in my power to reduce noise coming from my house.
Here are the things I have done.

Found out where everyones bedroom's were so could move him as far as possible.

I dont open windows unless he is at school/on overnight respite

I got him a safe space bed. ( it's very expensive but can get funding for one) they are quite honestly a God sent.

The weed smoking and dog barking for all hours are anti social and she it within her to stop.

I really sympathise with your situation and the fact no one is listening to you or supporting you. You have tried every possible avenue to resolve the situation.

Your house is destroying your health. I know it is hard, but your parents are right you need to give notice and leave the house. You need to prioritise your health right now. Go where you can recover while on PIP and UC.

I would look for a studio flat. Your parents might rather top up your UC by £200/mo in a place where you can get healthy than continue to pay full rent on a house that is extremely toxic to your health. If it were mold or rats or bedbugs- you’d leave right? So why are you ignoring your body’s distress? Get out of the house.

Moving back with your parents is the last resort option if you cannot find a studio in time. I understand the children cannot stay with you then but this would be very temporary and surely you can collect them for a day out or agree with your ex to visit them at his/her place? Just stay there until you find a studio.

Hi OP. Your neighbour’s son sounds very like my son but fortunately we are detached. We have had help from SS in terms of padding the walls of his bedroom because of the banging and that’s sufficient as he’s not causing a problem to our neighbours. During the initial paperwork we were asked if it was causing a nuisance to the neighbours so I assume is this is something that is taken into account. There are things available like Safespaces that can really help in situations like this and some councils will fund them under the disabled facilities grant of up to £30K.
I know it isn’t for you to sort this, but if SS wanted to they could help more with the noise. It might be worth asking your local MP why this hasn’t been done when there is equipment that could help both parties.

I mentioned in my original post I think that my parents have already refused to be a guarantor for me on a future rental which is why I'm stuck.

I’m not 100% sure but surely your parents can terminate their guarantor status with notice (as long as the rent stays up to date). This should then force your LL to evict you..then you could present as homeless to the council maybe?