Neighbour's autistic son, sleep deprivation and health/housing impacts.

[Anonymousaurus]

I am in a desperate situation and would be grateful for any advice anyone may have. I think I've included everything but please feel free to ask if I've missed any details. Sorry it's ended up so long, there wasn't really a brief way to give full context.

I live in a mid-terrace house which I privately rent, my two children (10 and 12) are with me 50% of the time and we have lived here almost 5 years. Last August, a lady bought the house next door and moved in with her autistic son. I would guess he is around 8, but it's hard to tell as he is still in nappies. He is non-verbal and I believe also visually impaired. He makes loud, vocal stimming noises almost constantly whenever he is awake.

For context as I know I'll be asked, I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

The issue I am having is that the child wakes frequently almost every night, and very often for several hours right through til morning. I am woken almost every single night by extremely loud banging which I believe to be his bedframe slamming into the wall when he jumps on the bed. This also sends vibrations through my floor so I can hear and feel it. He also bangs on the window (I have seen this from my garden), rattles the door (I think he is locked in overnight for safety) drags things across the wall, bangs toys into the window and shrieks and cries. It goes on for hours. I very rarely hear anyone go into his room to settle him, but whether they do or not makes no difference to the noise.

I have tried various types of earplugs, white noise machine, having a fan in my room, opening the window and nothing even remotely dampens the noise. Using ear plugs only puts me at risk of missing my alarm and not getting my children to school on time, it certainly does not help me sleep.

Often after a bad night I finally drift off to sleep, only to be woken again shortly after by very loud banging any time from before 6am and this continues usually until well after 9am. Obviously this only applies to weekends and school holidays, during term time I have had to drive my children to school (20 mins away) on no sleep whatsoever on many occasions. I'm very worried about having an accident.

The very bad nights where he is awake anywhere from between midnight and 2am until my alarm goes off are around once a week on average, though sometimes there are clusters of nights like that one after the other. He also takes several hours to go to sleep each evening, with loud banging, crying and shrieking beginning at around 6pm and usually not stopping until after 9pm. I have to delay putting my own children to bed until about 20 minutes after the noise has stopped in case we wake him and it starts all over again. I am woken up by banging at least once pretty much every night, but the anxiety I experience around going to bed is now so severe that I often can't sleep for hours even if he makes little to no noise after he has gone to sleep.

I have tried sleeping in my lounge but as our bedrooms and the lounge are on the adjoining wall, all of the noise he makes travels up or down wherever he is and it is basically just as loud down there. It sounds as though he is inside the walls in my house during the day. When he plays in his room, there is scratching, tapping and banging along with vocal stimming which seems to go on all day. He goes into the garden when it isn't raining but the vocal stimming seems to be even louder when he is out there and he also throws stones and knocks them on the fence which is also noisy. I get absolutely no peace unless I put music or white noise on, but this has to be so loud to drown him out that it's not really relaxing.

On top of this, the boy's mother has a partner who got himself a Rottweiler puppy at the start of this year. He obviously cannot have the dog with him while he works, and so he drops the dog off at my neighbour's house in the mornings, usually when I am leaving to drive my children to school and the neighbour is putting the child into the taxi to go to school. The dog barks a great deal throughout the day, especially when he is left on his own which seems to happen at least once a day for various lengths of time, and it isn't collected until around 5-6pm. This means I cannot catch up on sleep during the day.

I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress. I went off sick from my job because the sleep deprivation was so bad I could not function, and was enevtually sacked at the start of this year because I could not provide a satisfactory answer when asked when I thought my health would improve, because the neighbours aren't going anywhere. I am now at risk of eviction as I have defaulted on my rent.

I have tried all available avenues to get support and advice but it seems I have absolutely no rights in this situation. My landlady isn't responsible for the noise which I do understand, so she won't consider soundproofing as it would cost her money and reduce the value of the property, she also won't negotiate my rent. As the noise is coming from a disabled child as opposed to 'nuisance noise' the police aren't interested. My landlady advised me to report my neighbour to the council, which would require me to take recordings over a period of time and submit them for review, after which the council may send a noise abatement order to the property. I am skeptical that this would achieve any meaningful resolution as the neighbour is already aware how this is impacting me and I highly doubt anything can be done to stop the child from doing what he is doing. The mother smokes weed during the day, I can smell it before I've even opened my car door when I get back from the school run and it's seeping through the wall into my kitchen at the back of the house, and it seems she is able to sleep through or ignore the noise for hours. I believe the child is being locked in his room and ignored throughout the night most of the time, but the police and social services don't seem to think this is a problem.

I had to contact social services on a couple of occasions during the summer. On one occasion I could hear the mother screaming and swearing at the child to shut up for a sustained period of time from around 3-4am. This was during the very hot period when everyone's windows were open at night and I expect everyone in my terrace heard. Later that week, after being kept awake all night, I went to get my cat in from the garden at 7am and saw the child had removed his nappy and was standing on the windowsill fully naked slamming on the glass and shrieking out of the top window. Behind the row of terrace houses where I live is a public thoroughfare which many people use to access the high street and train station, so a lot of people could have seen him as he wasn't let out of his room for a further 2 or more hours as is normal on non-school days.

A couple of nights ago I called the police at 2.30am because the banging and crying was far louder and more persistent than I'd ever heard before. They attended the property, knocked on the door but my neighbour didn't answer, so they left. The noise continued for several more hours. At 4am I spoke to the officer who had attended the property and he told me that unless they are aware that someone is definitely at risk of death, they aren't authorised to break down the door or even knock more aggressively. As they couldn't hear the noise from the front of the property (his bedroom is at the back of the house) they left and would not come back. I explained that the screaming and banging had been going on for over 2 hours and I was concerned it was far louder than ever before but was told that doesn't constitute an emergency. The following day the boy still appeared to be in his bedroom all the way through to the evening. I called 101 to report that I believed the child had been locked in his room since the previous evening but they weren't really interested.

I am at my wits end and have been contemplating taking my own life. I have PTSD from highly traumatic birth injury when my daughter was born, and when I am woken in the night by the loud banging, my nervous system reacts as if someone is breaking into my home. I have started experiencing chest pains during the night for the past 3 months and I have frequent panic attacks during the day because I get absolutely no break from the noise whether it's the child or the dog. I have posted polite requests through the neighbour's door twice, the first time asking if she could possibly move her son's bed away from the wall, and the second time requesting that she ask her partner to make alternative arrangements for his dog during the day if he is unable to take it to work with him, but neither of these have been responded to even though I provided my number and no action has been taken to change anything as far as I can tell. The noise has actually gotten worse.

My parents are my guarantors and since I defaulted on my rent they have been required to pay this for me. They are now pressuring me to give notice to my landlady so that they can get out of this contract, but I have nowhere else to go because without being able to get my health back on track, I cannot return to work.

Moving in with my parents is not an option for me because I would be nowhere near my children and I do not have a good relationship with them. We are essentially estranged and moving in with them would almost certainly see my already very fragile mental health declining even further very quickly. They agreed to be my guarantors five years ago as I was financially stable and this sort of situation just didn't even cross our minds. We have barely seen each other since then.

For the first time in my life I am receiving universal credit and am currently applying for PIP under the advice of several people I've spoken to at the DWP. I had never previously considered that I might be eligible for PIP nor had I even wanted to investigate this as I had been managing very well as a single parent working full-time from home until this family moved in. I feel incredibly guilty to be receiving benefits of any kind but unfortunately the impact of the sleep deprivation that this child has caused has been profound and I see absolutely no way of improving the situation while I'm still living in this house. I cannot leave the house to go to another private rental because my parents will not agree to be my guarantors again, which I can perfectly understand but it does sting as I did nothing irresponsible to get myself into this situation. I cannot afford to live anywhere else in this area anyway now that I am relying solely on UC, and so the only private rentals I would be able to find would likely be one bedroom flats or studios.

I have looked into how I might get myself on the social housing list but it seems that the only way to do this while privately renting is to be at risk of eviction. Since I have a guarantor, I don't think that my landlady is going to go down the eviction route, as legally she can continue to demand that my parents pay the rent for me and they are obliged to do so, otherwise she can take them to court.

I know the child is disabled, but I am now a burden on the state when I never needed to be, and there seems to be absolutely no route to a way out of this situation for me, that can't be right surely? Am I missing something? I do understand that his mum's life must be very difficult indeed, but she does not seem to be intervening when he is waking during the night at all for whatever reason, or even trying to stop him from banging things into the wall. I do not understand the rationale of moving into a mid-terraced house and not even giving the new neighbours a courtesy knock on the door to explain what they are going to be in for. I have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, it took me more than 6 months to raise any kind of complaint with my landlady or the neighbour because I wanted to be compassionate to their situation and give time for the child to settle, but the sleep deprivation has gotten worse and worse as time has gone on and nothing is being done about it, this is simply not sustainable.

Does anyone have any advice at all, for any part of my situation or the whole thing? I am honestly at breaking point and not very far away at all from harming myself.

Why so?

The landlady is not causing the noise nor does she have a reliable tenant paying the rent.

Surely the onus should be on the nosy neighbour to take steps to soundproof her home? It can’t be ok to allow your household noise to push neighbours to the extreme as in this case.

i have sympathy for her situation but its fundamentally her situation and she should be seeking to minimise impact on others.

This sounds like a tough situation for you all. Hopefully it might improve in time.

just a suggestion, you note renting a semi so as to only impact one neighbour which is very considerate. Never you could rent a detached house? That way no neighbours would be directly impacted and you’d have less stress as a result?

I appreciate there maybe less on the market but presumably worth hunting for.

”Loop” earplugs (the “dream” ones) are extremely comfortable and soft, even when sleeping on your side, and combined with some pink noise, do cut out a huge amount of noise.

If he is slamming himself against a window then it is now safe.

“Quiet enjoyment” is nothing to do with quiet! It’s more along the lines of title - ie the right to exclusive occupation - and the landlord not interfering. Nothing to do with noisy neighbours

I didn't ask why, I asked if they had said it doesn’t meet the threshold. She has said the child appears to be locked in their room for long periods and screamed at and threatened, those are the parts I think could be safeguarding concerns, not the noise from the child themselves.

I'd consider moving as least stressful and most realistic option. I think it is unlikely services will step in and my family (with different levels of neurodiversity) could not possibly live with this level of noise.

Everyone suggesting moving. That’s the whole point of the thread. She can’t “just” move.
No one else will accept an unemployed person, on benefits, without a guarantor. She can’t just hand her notice in or she will be intentionally homeless. She’s not keeping up with her rent due to her job loss, and illness/sleep deprivation prevents her being reemployed, so the LL is pursuing her guarantor parents for the missing rent. They are understandably not happy and refuse to be put in that situation again for a new rental. Their relationship isn’t good and they won’t have the op back to live with them. She’s stuck.

I suggested the parents stop paying the rent and she ask her LL to pursue eviction instead of pursuing them where at least then she has a chance of being rehoused.
But as a pp have said, the LL isn’t going to want to do that as they need her trapped there. If she leaves, all new tenants will just give notice immediately and leave, once they realise what they’ve gotten themselves into. It’s in the LL’s best interests to keep pursuing her parents for the missing rent and to take them to court if they don’t pay up. I don’t know how and if, they can get out of that commitment but if there is a way, that’s the only thing I can think of to get the LL to switch to evict her and she can present as homeless then. How long this would all take, if even possible, is anyone’s guess. She’s trapped.

Other options that have been suggested is presenting a case to the council, perhaps via the MP that she needs rehoming on health grounds. Or maybe she can log every noise and keep pursuing the council that way. Neither of those options are easy or quick and are not guaranteed to work.

It’s tough Op, you have my sympathy.

Do you think she’s spent this kids whole life just happily staying awake and not trying everything (including melatonin?)

My son sleeps like a bin fire… with melatonin. Last night he slept 11pm - 3am.

We have tried melatonin, we continue to try melatonin. This mum will have tried it. You could tell me the solution is on the moon and I’d put the kid in his wellies and set off walking there

There is no way she’s just accepting her sleepless doom, and has done for all these years.

Nobody would dispute how horrendous sleep deprivation is for the OP, but multiply that by the 8 years the child has been alive for the mum.

She’ll have tried melatonin.

There’s always one person with disgusting views like this.

Except there’s sadly usually more than one.

I have, but unfortunately I have absolutely no rights in this situation.

I can't move which is literally the whole point of this post. I didn't take the time to write an essay about my awful circumstances when there's an incredibly obvious solution, were it available to me. My parents won't be my guarantors elsewhere, neither will my ex husband. If I simply leave, I won't be able to get housing.

Someone asked what's it got to do with me if she has someone else's dog in her house. It has everything to do with me because on top of being kept awake by her son, I am also kept from sleeping, working, concentrating on filling in forms or any other number of things while the dog is barking away. Do you think that because her child is disabled she has the right to make the house next door completely inhospitable? Misery loves company, is that it? I actually feel very sorry for my landlady because whatever happens to me, she now has a house she won't be able to rent out or sell.

That’s a very holistic and commendable view to take.

perhaps there’s a way to work with your land lady to get the other neighbour evicted or the kid found some help in a residential home?

That way you and the landlord both benefit and in the case the child is secured a place in a residential home, both he and his mum benefit also.

A PP who noted her some went to one had experience and might be able to help

Yes those are my next steps. I'm sure that's absolutely horrifying for you but I have worked and paid tax my whole life up until this point and that's what benefits are for. I was already struggling on my salary as a single parent before this happened. Not sure if you've noticed but the economy is in an awful pickle right now.

Unfortunately the neighbour owns her home so she won't be going anywhere

An alternative would be council/HA housing and getting better and back to work.

Once you’re away from the situation, you may be more able to get back on your feet and back out there.

I would also gently say that your neighbour is no more responsible for your health issues than you are for her son’s autism.

She didn’t target moving next door to you because she knew you had pre-existing conditions, the whole thing is just a very unfortunate combination of circumstances.

The judge said that the issuing of the noise abatement order was not illegal but it would not be enforceable.

🤦‍♀️

op people just aren’t getting it.

"Do you think that because her child is disabled she has the right to make the house next door completely inhospitable?"

Well it's not like she is doing it deliberately is it? The child has severe issues and they do have a right to a place to live. Noise abatement orders won't help in this case because it is largely the child making the noise and it's not like he is doing it with any malice or can help it.

OP doesn’t have any skin in the game; the mother does. Like a child’s stinkynappy not smelling as bad to the mother as to the stranger sitting in the cafe while the mother changes the nappy on the adjacent table 🤷🏻‍♀️

If course not, but the dog is making an already unbearable situation even worse and it's presence in the house is entirely within her control. That's what I was referring to. I have complete sympathy for this woman. I have hesitated over reporting real safeguarding concerns in the basis that I don't want to make her life even more difficult and I'm sure she's doing her best. I did work in paediatrics for over a decade with very complex children so I have some idea of what would constitute a concern vs a nuisance to me. I have been patient and tried very hard to allow time for the family to settle into the new home rather than flying off the handle the first time I was woken up. I've reached out, given her my number and verbally told her face to face that I'm approaching this with compassion not anger and I completely understand it's out of her control and would be happy to talk about anything that would help on my side. I even said if my kids are doing anything that exacerbates your problems I.e. making noise that makes it more difficult for your son to get to sleep, please tell me. I have not demonised this woman the way so many people on this thread are attempting to demonise me for daring to suggest that I do also have a right to peace in my home. I am also disabled, but have never actually felt disabled in my life until this past year. That takes a huge mental toll and a lot of adjustment to accept.

I don’t think anyone is immune to being kept awake night after night for years.

There is no biological way to get used to it.

We’re in year 10 of it, and the only thing you get better at is managing to get through the day, but you’re still as tired.

OP is understandably exhausted. But the mother isn’t immune to tiredness. She’s not a robot.

She’ll have tried, I’m confident, everything humanly available to her.

Is there no way to force a home owner to move if they’re being antisocial? If not, it feels like a flaw in the system.

This is exactly and very specifically the problem, thank you for summarising so succinctly. If I leave, I don't get housed anywhere. If I stay, my landlady may continue to pursue my parents for the rent and take them to court if they can no longer or will no longer pay. And it is in her interest to keep me here because she knows exactly what my circumstances are. She hasn't raised my rent in 5 years which I appreciate so much, but that has actually trapped me even more, I can't possibly afford anything else now, even if I was still working and none of this had happened I wouldn't be able to afford to move somewhere else on the salary I was earning. I'd taken on 2 additional part time jobs a couple of years ago to afford to remain here but quickly had to quit those when the neighbour moved in.

When I moved into this house 5 years ago I'd just left an abusive relationship and was hoping to start a new life for my family. We have been so happy here for the first 4 years. Scraping by the whole time but managing. I have an allotment round the corner to try and save a bit of money growing my own veg and my kids have friends here, I have friends here. I felt I'd finally found 'home'.

Now it's a living nightmare. I honestly look like a corpse with hollowed out eyes and cheeks and I can barely stand up straight my back is so sore. Allotment has gone to seed, I'll have to give it up and I barely see my friends now because I don't have the mental bandwidth for conversation. I feel like a shell of the person I was.

I don't want to be evicted and put wherever the council deem fit, I am not going to be given a selection of beautiful detached properties with big gardens and off street parking, I know that much. The prospect of social housing is terrifying to me, not an opportunity to live a life of luxury for free. I have worked hard all my life and was fully prepared to continue doing so for several more decades. I didn't ask for this just as much as the lady next door didn't ask for this when her son was born.