Neighbour's autistic son, sleep deprivation and health/housing impacts.

[Anonymousaurus]

I am in a desperate situation and would be grateful for any advice anyone may have. I think I've included everything but please feel free to ask if I've missed any details. Sorry it's ended up so long, there wasn't really a brief way to give full context.

I live in a mid-terrace house which I privately rent, my two children (10 and 12) are with me 50% of the time and we have lived here almost 5 years. Last August, a lady bought the house next door and moved in with her autistic son. I would guess he is around 8, but it's hard to tell as he is still in nappies. He is non-verbal and I believe also visually impaired. He makes loud, vocal stimming noises almost constantly whenever he is awake.

For context as I know I'll be asked, I know he is autistic because shortly after they moved in, while I was out for the day, someone came into my garden and added an extension panel to the top of my fence. When I came back home and went outside, the child's grandmother came out to the end of my garden and told me they'd had to do that and affix it from my side of the fence because her grandson is autistic and he climbs things.

The issue I am having is that the child wakes frequently almost every night, and very often for several hours right through til morning. I am woken almost every single night by extremely loud banging which I believe to be his bedframe slamming into the wall when he jumps on the bed. This also sends vibrations through my floor so I can hear and feel it. He also bangs on the window (I have seen this from my garden), rattles the door (I think he is locked in overnight for safety) drags things across the wall, bangs toys into the window and shrieks and cries. It goes on for hours. I very rarely hear anyone go into his room to settle him, but whether they do or not makes no difference to the noise.

I have tried various types of earplugs, white noise machine, having a fan in my room, opening the window and nothing even remotely dampens the noise. Using ear plugs only puts me at risk of missing my alarm and not getting my children to school on time, it certainly does not help me sleep.

Often after a bad night I finally drift off to sleep, only to be woken again shortly after by very loud banging any time from before 6am and this continues usually until well after 9am. Obviously this only applies to weekends and school holidays, during term time I have had to drive my children to school (20 mins away) on no sleep whatsoever on many occasions. I'm very worried about having an accident.

The very bad nights where he is awake anywhere from between midnight and 2am until my alarm goes off are around once a week on average, though sometimes there are clusters of nights like that one after the other. He also takes several hours to go to sleep each evening, with loud banging, crying and shrieking beginning at around 6pm and usually not stopping until after 9pm. I have to delay putting my own children to bed until about 20 minutes after the noise has stopped in case we wake him and it starts all over again. I am woken up by banging at least once pretty much every night, but the anxiety I experience around going to bed is now so severe that I often can't sleep for hours even if he makes little to no noise after he has gone to sleep.

I have tried sleeping in my lounge but as our bedrooms and the lounge are on the adjoining wall, all of the noise he makes travels up or down wherever he is and it is basically just as loud down there. It sounds as though he is inside the walls in my house during the day. When he plays in his room, there is scratching, tapping and banging along with vocal stimming which seems to go on all day. He goes into the garden when it isn't raining but the vocal stimming seems to be even louder when he is out there and he also throws stones and knocks them on the fence which is also noisy. I get absolutely no peace unless I put music or white noise on, but this has to be so loud to drown him out that it's not really relaxing.

On top of this, the boy's mother has a partner who got himself a Rottweiler puppy at the start of this year. He obviously cannot have the dog with him while he works, and so he drops the dog off at my neighbour's house in the mornings, usually when I am leaving to drive my children to school and the neighbour is putting the child into the taxi to go to school. The dog barks a great deal throughout the day, especially when he is left on his own which seems to happen at least once a day for various lengths of time, and it isn't collected until around 5-6pm. This means I cannot catch up on sleep during the day.

I have lupus which is a chronic autoimmune condition which causes inflammation, chronic fatigue, pain in my muscles and joints and many other symptoms. Inflammation is triggered primarily by illness, lack of sleep and stress. I went off sick from my job because the sleep deprivation was so bad I could not function, and was enevtually sacked at the start of this year because I could not provide a satisfactory answer when asked when I thought my health would improve, because the neighbours aren't going anywhere. I am now at risk of eviction as I have defaulted on my rent.

I have tried all available avenues to get support and advice but it seems I have absolutely no rights in this situation. My landlady isn't responsible for the noise which I do understand, so she won't consider soundproofing as it would cost her money and reduce the value of the property, she also won't negotiate my rent. As the noise is coming from a disabled child as opposed to 'nuisance noise' the police aren't interested. My landlady advised me to report my neighbour to the council, which would require me to take recordings over a period of time and submit them for review, after which the council may send a noise abatement order to the property. I am skeptical that this would achieve any meaningful resolution as the neighbour is already aware how this is impacting me and I highly doubt anything can be done to stop the child from doing what he is doing. The mother smokes weed during the day, I can smell it before I've even opened my car door when I get back from the school run and it's seeping through the wall into my kitchen at the back of the house, and it seems she is able to sleep through or ignore the noise for hours. I believe the child is being locked in his room and ignored throughout the night most of the time, but the police and social services don't seem to think this is a problem.

I had to contact social services on a couple of occasions during the summer. On one occasion I could hear the mother screaming and swearing at the child to shut up for a sustained period of time from around 3-4am. This was during the very hot period when everyone's windows were open at night and I expect everyone in my terrace heard. Later that week, after being kept awake all night, I went to get my cat in from the garden at 7am and saw the child had removed his nappy and was standing on the windowsill fully naked slamming on the glass and shrieking out of the top window. Behind the row of terrace houses where I live is a public thoroughfare which many people use to access the high street and train station, so a lot of people could have seen him as he wasn't let out of his room for a further 2 or more hours as is normal on non-school days.

A couple of nights ago I called the police at 2.30am because the banging and crying was far louder and more persistent than I'd ever heard before. They attended the property, knocked on the door but my neighbour didn't answer, so they left. The noise continued for several more hours. At 4am I spoke to the officer who had attended the property and he told me that unless they are aware that someone is definitely at risk of death, they aren't authorised to break down the door or even knock more aggressively. As they couldn't hear the noise from the front of the property (his bedroom is at the back of the house) they left and would not come back. I explained that the screaming and banging had been going on for over 2 hours and I was concerned it was far louder than ever before but was told that doesn't constitute an emergency. The following day the boy still appeared to be in his bedroom all the way through to the evening. I called 101 to report that I believed the child had been locked in his room since the previous evening but they weren't really interested.

I am at my wits end and have been contemplating taking my own life. I have PTSD from highly traumatic birth injury when my daughter was born, and when I am woken in the night by the loud banging, my nervous system reacts as if someone is breaking into my home. I have started experiencing chest pains during the night for the past 3 months and I have frequent panic attacks during the day because I get absolutely no break from the noise whether it's the child or the dog. I have posted polite requests through the neighbour's door twice, the first time asking if she could possibly move her son's bed away from the wall, and the second time requesting that she ask her partner to make alternative arrangements for his dog during the day if he is unable to take it to work with him, but neither of these have been responded to even though I provided my number and no action has been taken to change anything as far as I can tell. The noise has actually gotten worse.

My parents are my guarantors and since I defaulted on my rent they have been required to pay this for me. They are now pressuring me to give notice to my landlady so that they can get out of this contract, but I have nowhere else to go because without being able to get my health back on track, I cannot return to work.

Moving in with my parents is not an option for me because I would be nowhere near my children and I do not have a good relationship with them. We are essentially estranged and moving in with them would almost certainly see my already very fragile mental health declining even further very quickly. They agreed to be my guarantors five years ago as I was financially stable and this sort of situation just didn't even cross our minds. We have barely seen each other since then.

For the first time in my life I am receiving universal credit and am currently applying for PIP under the advice of several people I've spoken to at the DWP. I had never previously considered that I might be eligible for PIP nor had I even wanted to investigate this as I had been managing very well as a single parent working full-time from home until this family moved in. I feel incredibly guilty to be receiving benefits of any kind but unfortunately the impact of the sleep deprivation that this child has caused has been profound and I see absolutely no way of improving the situation while I'm still living in this house. I cannot leave the house to go to another private rental because my parents will not agree to be my guarantors again, which I can perfectly understand but it does sting as I did nothing irresponsible to get myself into this situation. I cannot afford to live anywhere else in this area anyway now that I am relying solely on UC, and so the only private rentals I would be able to find would likely be one bedroom flats or studios.

I have looked into how I might get myself on the social housing list but it seems that the only way to do this while privately renting is to be at risk of eviction. Since I have a guarantor, I don't think that my landlady is going to go down the eviction route, as legally she can continue to demand that my parents pay the rent for me and they are obliged to do so, otherwise she can take them to court.

I know the child is disabled, but I am now a burden on the state when I never needed to be, and there seems to be absolutely no route to a way out of this situation for me, that can't be right surely? Am I missing something? I do understand that his mum's life must be very difficult indeed, but she does not seem to be intervening when he is waking during the night at all for whatever reason, or even trying to stop him from banging things into the wall. I do not understand the rationale of moving into a mid-terraced house and not even giving the new neighbours a courtesy knock on the door to explain what they are going to be in for. I have tried so hard to be patient and understanding, it took me more than 6 months to raise any kind of complaint with my landlady or the neighbour because I wanted to be compassionate to their situation and give time for the child to settle, but the sleep deprivation has gotten worse and worse as time has gone on and nothing is being done about it, this is simply not sustainable.

Does anyone have any advice at all, for any part of my situation or the whole thing? I am honestly at breaking point and not very far away at all from harming myself.

Ah please don't do this. She will always be able to out-idiot you.

I tried this very briefly out of desperation with my very noisy neighbour and it totally backfired, as she doesn't work, so is able to annoy me for as many hours as she likes. I work at home by the living room window and if she's already outside I think she can see when I'm on a work Teams call because she'll sit in her car for ages and just blast music without actually driving anywhere. Then she goes back in when my call ends. Yes they really do walk amongst us.

These people can be really spiteful, and you sound like a nice person so don't do this. You're already on the edge so if she starts doing this sort of thing deliberately on top of what is already happening, you will have a breakdown. It's horrible that you're being made to feel like YOU have to "grab naps as and when you can" (like you have a newborn) or to wear earplugs.

You absolutely should be complaining to the council, they can act but the process is long. In my case my neighbour was evicted after a year of complaints to the police and council. You should also complain to your landlady, it is in her interest to address this as once you complain to the council, she will need to declare the dispute should she ever sell. You should do all you can to move, have you spoken to citizens advice?

As mentioned, I didn't 'just' go to the police and SS. I contacted them once and twice respectively and only when I had genuine welfare concerns which many posters have backed up I was right to do. I didn't contact any of them until I'd already been enduring this for almost a full year. The neighbour has introduced an enormous dog to her already complex situation so while she does have my sympathy it is somewhat waning.

Thank you. No I would never do something so vindictive to an already struggling person. It is incredibly hard though and as I said I really cannot make peace with the Rottweiler being there all day. There is absolutely no need for it, it isn't even her dog.

There is no need for this its just nasty and vindictive
Why would you want to distress a disabled child?

Noise nuisance is the absolute pits.

I had a neighbour who would leave for/arrive home from work in the early hours, and would always reverse in to his drive - the reverse beeps woke our whole house. I was at the end of my tether with it, what you're experiencing is next level. Absolutely awful, and I feel desperately sorry for you.

All I can suggest is speaking to your GP about the effect it is having on your health, perhaps they can sign post you to services that can help. Or maybe citizens advice?
I hope you can find a solution soon 💐

Honestly annoyed at your landlord here not willing to do any soundproofing. She knows darn well she has you over a barrel and is taking full advantage as no way would anyone else pay to rent the property if you moved out.

Op have you tried sleep headphones like these? These ones are £15.99 and my dd has a similar pair which she wears to play music to drown out her partners snoring.

I wouldn't feel guilty about reporting the noise and son's behaviour repeatedly and each time it occurs to social services. If he's definitely being left alone for hours without being monitored whilst crashing around, that's a safeguarding concern as he could harm himself, as well as potentially having needs like thirst neglected. I'd also worry that this sounds like extended distress rather than sensory seeking behaviour. If he's not being neglected, whilst upsetting, noise complaints and reports to social services about the behaviour may actually be useful evidence to the neighbour to demonstrate his level of need to the council and other services.

If you can talk to your neighbour and she's friendly and open to the idea, I'd make another effort to talk to her first though and ask if she wants help as a witness to back her up in asking the council for any applications she's making for more assistance, adaptions to her house like soundproofing, applying for grants for soft furniture and so on to reduce the impact of the noise and her son's wakefulness. A witness statement to evidence the impact of the situation and the harm the behaviour is causing to others couldn't hurt the situation if she's trying to resolve it. Councils often try their damnedest to avoid spending money to help families with disabled children and will downplay a lot of the issues families are facing, or blame the problem on parenting, and a lot of parents then have to take their council to court to get the help and education their families are legally entitled to. She may be stuck going around in circles trying to get anything done about the situation herself.

Melatonin is legal to import for personal use, and it's possible to buy it from some European pharmacy stores delivered to the UK at a reasonable cost.

I second these sleep headphones OP. We had builders next door for 9 months and these were the only thing that got me through the noise and sleep disruption.

If I were in your shoes I'd resign myself to moving out as soon as possible even if it is just to a one bedroom temporarily. I can't see the noise situation improving even if social services get involved.

Working with high functioning autistic children and adults it is perfectly ok to lock a room that is safe for a short period while the carer or parent eats, showers etc. This poor woman sounds like she has a very high functioning child and tbh I probably would have retaliated for harassment by now especially when she clearly tried in a small way to help your problem.You clearly have many issues other than sleep deprivation yourself yet seem to have taken no steps to solve any and look like your blaming it all on next door. I'm sorry your going thru a tough time but maybe look at what you can change with tweaking.

What on earth has it got to do with you whether she has someone else's dog at HER house?

By all means actually go round and speak to her about the dog barking and also mention you're struggling with her severely disabled son displaying behaviors that are pretty normal for his disability. You could actually do this before calling SS, the police or making a complaint to the council.

She could quite rightly tell you to get stuffed though as the council won't do anything with a dog barking during the day or a severely disabled child who can't help his behaviors being noisy in his own home.

The more of your posts I read, my sympathy vanishes OP.

I get the impression that you're quite sensitive and perhaps a terraced house with neighbours attached is not the type of home that suits you?

You questioned why she chose to live in one which was likely cost constraints (assume she must work unless she bought it outright) but also her son's behavior may have become more challenging as he has got older and she didn't expect it to be as bad as you say it is. Probably didn't expect to have a severely disabled child.

It's interesting as well that the neighbours on the other side don't have as much of a problem with as you do. If it was really that bad, you'd expect it to affect them as well.

If I had seen my struggling single mum neighbour's severely disabled son standing on a window sill naked, I think my immediate reaction would have been to go and tell her!

I should imagine the risks of locking the bedroom door of an severely disabled 8 year old still in nappies, who likes to climb, has to be mitigated with the risks of him wandering the house unsupervised while his mum is asleep which she's allowed to do. Impossible to safety proof a whole house. Maybe he can't co sleep due to sensory issues or it over stimulates him more. Maybe think before judging?

Fire risk is the almost the same as an unlocked closed door if the lock is just a press button on the handle.

I hope you manage to move on soon for both your own and your neighbour's sake and her next set of neighbours try to build a relationship with her to understand what's going on and what can be improved, before constantly reporting the poor woman to the authorities, if they are as bothered as you are.

i think you need to urgently seek legal advice.
you may find that there are options available that you had not considered

The shelter charity could potentially help - you are at risk of homelessness

My daughter is having a similar problem with a nrighbours child . In her case the child is only there some of the ti mn e and as lso dd is the owner though and has put up soundproofing which has helped.
I wonder if there is some sort of grant the neighbour can get to pay for fitting the house out for her kid's disability including soundproofing?

I think working on the landlady to soundproofis going to be your best course of action. Could you contribute?

I would strongly recommend going to your local Citizens Advice Bureau asap.

They usually have drop in sessions, and they will be able to advise you about your best options for either finding alternative accommodation or fighting to stay where you are.

In some areas they offer appointments in places like GP surgeries. If you google your closest CAB it will have details of how to see them.

They can also help with (ie fill in for you) the incredibly long questionnaires that seem to be required for everything from PIP to housing register applications.

Hello op. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would focus all of your efforts on leaving the property rather than exhausting yourself further . I think Shelter are good for advice. Can the father of your children act as a guarantor on a new property?

It's her parents she's estranged from (,or finds them extremely difficult to live with).

Poor child, my heart goes out to him. And you.

OP, you can complain to the council and social care, but realistically there’s not a lot they can do. They have special needs and own the home.

You could move, though. That’s what I would have done.

It’s not your fault they moved in, but you’ve stayed in it, and let this damage your livelihood by not moving and securing the peace you need to maintain a job and safe place for your children.

What’s your next steps now that you’ve lost your job security and health because of this neighbour and holding onto this tenancy? Moving onto council housing and living on benefits?

I’d ask the other parent to mind your kids full time until you sort new job and rental. Get back on it.

This sounds horrendous. Sorry you’re having to deal with it.

I doubt you’ll find a way to get the boy to quieten unfortunately. The best solution would seem to be to move unfortunately (x 2 as someone else will also have to deal with it).

It’s a shame there’s no accountability on the parents for dealing with this.

social services will not tell a neighbour why it’s not met a safeguarding threshold. They know the child is autistic and noise at night/ banging won’t be unusual. Maybe mum has been told by professionals it’s safer to leave him stimming.

This all sounds horrible OP.

While they are quite expensive try noise cancelling sleep headphones. My mum swears by this brand when she used to do night duty.

https://www.snoozeband.co.uk/collections/all-products/products/snoozeband%E2%84%A2-2-0-bluetooth-sleep-headphones?_su_rec=zN7fDT-BrNA5CxVr1mRJqr5fWz-AhAVFR0g62qgrRgeyau26iVxQaqOCoN43j6NDTIvjkEnYwM6qy0cmTByHECPyefqWOqFMesmdhqzo79Incm_ZecifK21TsEfZrHTKLNLW6djz0GIw0BahxhroDP5M7SWHjNOIcabpVukrfRKY1gr7bBj9rGKSMlMs5sqRGCGAwt6OBvA-yNiZ1zQPL48Dy-HQO2gyI7e72QS8QaHeKfJoSt5cw2Aa7wpC6zn7_Qfy7bpX3UQwvWwTH64hnw&_su_rec_id=3fb1a732-13f9-4558-bee3-9579d8befab2-1793253400

How ?

Why would the landlady want to incur additional costs at a time when her rent isn’t being paid (/it’s at increased risk as only being paid by a guarantor)?