When is enough, enough? One-way friendships ☝️

[ICanBuyMyselfFlowerz]

When is enough, enough with friends? I have a small group of people I would call my real friends. They are people I met at uni. We don’t see each other often but when we do, we got the ground running and nothing changes. We live across the UK but I know they’d be there for me if I needed them tomorrow.

I moved away from where I grew up and went to Uni to live with my now husband. We have two kids. As I’ve got older, I’ve struggled to make friends and depression and anxiety over the years has not helped. I’ve made friends through work, through the mums of kids my kids go to school with but once the connection goes, e.g move jobs, kids move to secondary school, the relationship ends or fizzles. I get this as it’s life and you can’t take everyone with you. But there are two friends who started off as colleagues. We were really close when we worked together and then one retired and the other changed jobs. We used to meet at weekends and I know their families and vice versa. I went to one of their weddings. But in the last year to 18 months, it always seems to be me reaching out first. I’ve had some significant health issues and has very little support from both. One of them did admit to being a crap friend but no effort to reverse this.

There’s another friend I made through a swimming group. I offered support when her mum passed away and although i know she will be struggling for a long time if not always, when I've needed support, nothing comes back.

I know you’ll probably be thinking that I’m flawed in some way or I’ve done something or there’s a drip feed coming but there isn’t. I just give and give and never get though of in the same way back.

So my question is, if you’ve found yourself in the same situation, when did you realise enough was enough? When did you stop doing all the running? What made you decide?

We've just been discussing this did you see the other post?
It's up to the individual whether they carry on organising or not, or whether they might like to have a discussion with the friend in a calm way about why they never make an effort.

Friendships should be 2 way.

Oh thanks I’ll have a look thank you.

What’s the thread called please @Netcurtainnelly

Op I noticed a pattern of this. Oh hi mary yep lets catch up great bumping into you xx. You suggest dates. Nothing. Group 5 school mams same whatsapp is silent now. Got tired it so I stopped. My friend said lately they got used me doing it so nobody else volunteers. Lol. Im drifting off because of this)

Yeah this is similar. But it’s with people I’ve known for a while, one of them nearly 17 years. When I look back over the last year of messages, I am always the one reaching out - ‘how are you?’ ‘How’s your son/daughter/sister?’ ‘Congrats on the house move.’ I get a cursory thanks or a thumbs up. I sent one a photo of my kids starting school, one who had started secondary school and this friend is his godmother. I just got a thumbs up and “lovely photo.” No follow on of how are you or nothing…

Yep no follow ups a coffee etc. Am thinking no wonder people have no friends! Nobody wants do anything

Honestly, I can't be bothered with people who sit and count how many times someone reached out and whether their message was sufficiently "friendly". I am sure if I ever went through mine and Sue's messages over the last 30 years, I would find out that Sue only ever sends me a happy birthday message once a year. However 1. I value Sue as a friend 2. Sue always makes time to see me when I am in town 3. We have a lovely time together 4. If I ask her for help, she will gladly help (and, no, I never expected Sue to read my mind. I am fairly certain she never once offered to help but she never refused either). As a result of that, Sue is my closest friend and I don't give a rat's tail about who messages whom or whether our "giving" balance sheet is equal.
If you think someone wronged you somehow, then you are not obligated to be friends with them.

Why can't sue reach out occasionally though your friendship is one way. I bet you'd love it if Sue were to instigate something. You probably just don't want to rock the boat.
Your not her social secretary.

Personally I give up on them back! And it’s very freeing and a great way to live. If people don’t make effort back, just stop: move on and find new people or don’t. Not worth your time chasing people who clearly aren’t interested. Surround yourself with a small circle of real friends , if that’s possible and forget the rest

One thing that stands out in your post is the notion of friendship equalling being supportive. Lots of people don't see it that way. They are grateful if you support them during tough times but they absolutely don;t see it as their role as friend to return the compliment. Lots of people think of friendship as a lightweight escape from life's issues. I used to feel like you and resent the one-sidedness. Now I realise that surface friendship has real value. These days when I'm going through tough times, I use friendship to take my mind off it not to focus on it or talk it through. I do have a couple of friends I can share tough things with. For me it was helpful to realise the difference between opening up and oversharing. opening up just means: let people know your child is seriously ill or your granny has died. So they can understand if you are not up to partying or forget their birthday etc. Oversharing means going on about it to a point where others feel smothered or burdened by your grief. One is a good thing, the other is not.

Would it help (it did for me) to reframe friendship as something which is essentially fun, escapist and light-hearted?

Don't want to "rock the boat"? I've know Sue since were both 12. I think the boat was rocked more than once and our friendship is still standing strong. We just don't do the rolling tally. I cannot even begin to express how much I don't care about who messages whom.

Honestly I think it’s because life is so busy and many have little support around. I work full time in a stressful role with long hours and commute. Teenagers needing lifts all weekend. I literally don’t have the bandwidth to maintain friendships that ‘need’ me to do organising and offer emotional support. I enjoy laughs with work colleagues, see some locals in the pub and my immediate family. And that is exhausting enough.

I think enough is enough when you decide that you no longer want to be the one to initiate. If you still enjoy talking to them and meeting with them then perhaps it is fine to carry on as you are. If, however, you feel like they are taking advantage of you (asking for favours they would never dream of returning, cancelling plans when 'better' offers come along) or you have just reached a point where you no longer wish to be the person who instigates contact, then just stop and see what happens.

It is really frustrating when friendships turn out to be like this. I think in most friendships it ebbs and flows, but there are some where there is always one person who is putting in more effort than the other.

It's easy to get into dynamics where one person in a pair or group of friends ends up being the default organiser of get-togethers. I don't think it means that much in terms of how the friendship is valued, it's just that the others are happy for the organiser to always instigate and organise and probably don't appreciate that it would be nice to not always have to do it.

Not offering support when they know you are going through a tough time is something else though, that's not really on. If there was that, plus not just never instigating get togethers but also often making excuses not to join them or meet up, I probably would take from that that this person doesn't value the friendship, and I'd take a step back, potentially letting it die.

I used to get this alot and to be honest as I've got older, I've started caring less.

I've often wondered about the ladies who seem to have this huge group of friends from school and still go on holidays and nights out together and can belly laugh for hours reminiscing. I've never really had that.

But then I think for me, I work different jobs, hobby groups, and have different small circles of friends in different places, so I accept that friendships often don't last long and are simple friendships at best.

So nowadays, if it's too much effort I let it go.

It's always you though there isn't a rolling tally you said she sent one message a year.

I bet you'd feel great if she instigated something for once.

I personally think it shows a flaw in someone's character if can't arrange to meet up. They must be lacking something

I mentioned on the other thread about this (amazingly common!) issue that this exact friend insisted I come over immediately to stay with her family for as long as I needed when I had to flee my house due to DV. This is despite the fact that she has a quadriplegic teenage son she is caring for full time as well as a primary age child and her and her husband sleep on a pull out couch in their living room as they only have two bedrooms, one of which is essentially a medical ward. I honestly don't think her character or her commitment to our friendship should be judged on the number of messages she sent me over the years.