...to think that geography is an essential part of friendship?

[NewGrandmummy]

There are often threads on MN about feeling that one puts in all the effort to a friendship while others make little attempt to keep in touch. Indeed, I started one myself a little while ago, although it was linked to a very specific situation. So, with apologies to anyone who thinks this is repetitious, I've been wondering about the geographical element to friendships.

I've moved around a lot due to my work and while I've kept one or two friends from each previous geographical location (and always people who seemed to sincerely want to stay in touch) I've realised that it's me making all the effort. So, AIBU to think that, once one is in a different geographical location to a previously close friend, the friendship will most likely not survive?

I’ve moved a lot over the years and while I think geography doesn’t have to be a factor, in the majority of friendships it is, because it means you HAVE to put in the work differently.

That means for a casual friendship, or one that is more important on one side than the other it’s hard to continue and be balanced in work.

I think it’s easier for someone who remains in the place you have moved away from to forget your friendship, or de-prioritize it, than it is for the person who has moved who now has no other smaller friendships or acquaintances in the new location. You have to start over, they have a baseline. That means it’s more valuable to you.

Add in a touch of neurodivergence to help you notice the difference in work on both sides.

But I think if you’ve moved it’s right that you do more work. Your friendship was locally established and you did the moving and changing the face of the friendship. If it’s important enough for you, you do the work to maintain it.

I actually find it helpful for things like this because odds are that there is someone awake (because of time zones). I've moved a few times for work and currently living where I'm 7 to 16 hours ahead of my closest friends - someone is pretty much always awake.

I think if they are a new friend and then geography comes into play then it’s a problem. With old/real friends then it does not matter.

I’ve actually found the opposite. I have 2 best friends. One of which I speak with almost daily, the other we message slightly less often but still consider them to be extremely close. I lived in Australia for years and I talked to them more when I lived there than I do now I’m back in the UK. I suppose their jobs and also making more of an effort when you’re so far apart makes a difference. One of my best friends started a new relationship a few months ago, the other started a new big responsibility, full time job just as I returned so we definitely speak less now than when I lived on the other side of the world. I’m moving back to Australia after Christmas so probably for the best that we don’t get used to seeing each other all the time. For me it’s definitely less about geography and more about effort.