...to think that geography is an essential part of friendship?

[NewGrandmummy]

There are often threads on MN about feeling that one puts in all the effort to a friendship while others make little attempt to keep in touch. Indeed, I started one myself a little while ago, although it was linked to a very specific situation. So, with apologies to anyone who thinks this is repetitious, I've been wondering about the geographical element to friendships.

I've moved around a lot due to my work and while I've kept one or two friends from each previous geographical location (and always people who seemed to sincerely want to stay in touch) I've realised that it's me making all the effort. So, AIBU to think that, once one is in a different geographical location to a previously close friend, the friendship will most likely not survive?

I haven’t found this to be the case at all. I have friends on different continents, but also just several hours away. We chat, we What’s App, we meet up when we can. The shape of the friendship often changes with proximity or the lack thereof, though.

I have friends abroad and in other parts of the country. We can’t meet up often but use WhatsApp and Messenger to keep in touch . I still consider them close friends.

I think it’s about how much effort you both put in. My best friend of 30 years has lived on 3 different continents during that time and still lives a 2 hour drive away but we’re just as close. I have friends all over the UK and we all keep in touch either in person or WhatsApp/Messenger/video calls

I have 5 best friends from school (age 9). We are now all turning 50 and none of us live in the same town. One lives in New Zealand. Geography has never played a part in how close we are. Same with 2 uni friends.

I guess if you have moved alot it depends how long you were geographically close to the friends you made and how strong the connection you made was?

At times being too far from people makes people keep in touch more

Geography can enhance and facilitate friendships but it’s not everything.

Well this is really interesting! Perhaps it's me.... Maybe I'm the one who needs the geographical closeness to feel other forms of closeness too.... (I'm autistic in case that's relevant.)

Not in my experience. I’ve moved around a lot and am still very close to and regularly go on holidays with friends living in other countries.

I’ve lived in 4 different countries and I still maintain friendships with people from all over. I am still friends with my best friends from primary school. I haven’t seen them in about 35 years. We still message every so often and keep up on each other’s lives. We aren’t besties who talk on the phone every weekend like we were in the 80s. But we haven’t even lived in the same country in 2 decades.

I think it very much depends on how you define a friendship and how high needs you are. I don’t need my friends up my bum. I have friends who I catch up with twice a year. None of us need to be in constant contact, but I know if I needed them, I could count on them to be there. If you are really high needs and need to see friends constantly with regular messaging and phone calls, yes, those friendships will likely fall apart when you move, because that’s hard work. But if you are both on the same page and have the sort of relationship where you can just pick back up where you left off months later, you can have very longstanding friendships. My oldest friend I’ve known for 40 years! We live on opposite sides of the world now.

Not in my experience. I have a school friend in another country and our friendship is going strong for over 30 years. My friend from a previous city I lived in is coming to see me next week. I am regularly going away on holiday with a friend from the city I lived in 6 years ago. I am often talking on a phone and meet at least once a year with a friend who moved in with their partner to the opposite end of the country. I have never counted how many times each one of us reached out or "made effort". Maybe that's more of an issue.

My best friend lives almost 6,000 miles away. It breaks my heart that I can't have an active friendship and spend time with her regularly. I'm a combo of friend / surrogate mum to her. She's had a child since I moved away and I would adore being granny to her DC.

None of my good friends live near me. The price I pay of having a peripatetic life.

Lots to think about here. I'm certainly not needy - quite the opposite in fact. I wonder if we have different definitions of 'friend'. I'm not sure that I would consider someone I saw only once a year as still being a friend.

I agree to some extent. I have a good friend who lives in Australia and we see each other once every 5 years or so. We do keep in touch by WhatsApp etc. I still think of her as a good friend, but I have no doubt that we'd be closer friends if she lived around the corner like the friend I see every week.

Not in my experience. My closest friends are the ones I made at university and they are now dispersed all over the world. Modern communications make it very easy to maintain friendships.

No, I have a friend who lives in Scotland while ive lived all over the UK. We are still very good friends. Its more down to the fact if the two people can be bothered.

Yes and no.

No in the sense that I still maintain my closest friendships regardless of how close geographically I am to them. Yes, messaging and other tech makes this easier, but even if I'm not in frequent communication with some of my best friends, when we see each other again it's like no time has passed at all.

Yes in the sense that geography can help or hinder how a friendship grows. Some of those close friends started as acquaintances but became close friends because we lived a couple of streets away and I'd always see them around. And on the other hand there are people I felt I was getting closer to, and exciting about becoming friends with, but we weren't quite there yet... then they moved away and there was never a specific reason to keep in touch, and the nascent friendship withered.

See, I'd consider someone I only saw once a year but still had a laugh with as a sign of a really good friend.

Most of my oldest friends are people who've moved away, or I have. We drop into one anothers towns, meet up for an evening, and have a laugh, and then don't see each other and barely message for a few months or a year.

What’s your definition?

Mine is someone in my life who I care about, am interested in, share things with, and whose company (physical or otherwise) I enjoy. For me, how often you physically see someone has no impact on any of those things.

If your definition of a friend is someone who you regularly ‘do stuff’ with, and that stuff has to be in person for it to count, then I see how geography would be a major factor. Nothing wrong with that, of course. People are different.

It’s lovely how with some people, you see them again and it’s like no time has passed at all. You just launch into conversation like you last saw them 10 minutes ago, even if you haven’t seen them in a year. I really treasure those friendships.

I think how different people define a friend is relevant here too. If I hadn't seen someone for 35 years then I would view them as someone I used to be friends with, not someone I am friends with now.

I think people like to be controversial on aibu. Of course close friendships can survive distance and I have 7-8 good friends from different life stages dotted about who I will al and keep in touch with and see when I can, but the reality is that when I moved last time most of the friendships from the last stage fizzled out. If I went back to that area I might catch up with a couple but most of them were reliant on some degree of proximity. There seemed moly isn’t the time in the day to keep up with everyone you’ve ever been friends with

Distance makes maintaining friendships harder, there is no doubt. But you can see a good friend after a 20 year gap with just Christmas cards and FB posts in between and pick up where you left off.

Depends on the friendship. One of my closest friends who I speak to regularly lives in a different continent to me and has done for 20 years.

But I think for more casual friends maintaining a friendship is harder with distance. I move around a lot so have few close friends.

well I don't think there's a solid answer to that. I have friends of 30+ years from school. we now live across the mIdlands and South of the country. I have friends from Uni of over 20 years and we now live across the mIdlands and North.
we organise meet ups together. we have group chats. we all make an effort.

and I've had friendships that have died through distance and time constraints and just lack of effort.

I also have friendships where we live near and we still struggle to get together often cos of life. we all make an effort to keep in touch.

in this era of SM there's really little excuse for not being able to keep in touch. no one is relying on dial up internet at the local internet cafe or snail mail.

if they're not bothering to contact you then unfortunately they're just not that into you. I'm sure they like you and enjoy your company, they're just not able to prioritise you.

I think it depends how much you like each other. I have friends in other countries that I love and pick up where we left, every few years or so, when geographically we can align. When a friend I felt was hard work and unrewarding moved, there simply wasn’t the impetus to overcome the distance. The friendship had been based on convenient geography, really, losing that meant ‘ out of sight, out of mind’.