...to think that geography is an essential part of friendship?

[NewGrandmummy]

There are often threads on MN about feeling that one puts in all the effort to a friendship while others make little attempt to keep in touch. Indeed, I started one myself a little while ago, although it was linked to a very specific situation. So, with apologies to anyone who thinks this is repetitious, I've been wondering about the geographical element to friendships.

I've moved around a lot due to my work and while I've kept one or two friends from each previous geographical location (and always people who seemed to sincerely want to stay in touch) I've realised that it's me making all the effort. So, AIBU to think that, once one is in a different geographical location to a previously close friend, the friendship will most likely not survive?

Why on earth not?

I live in the US. I have a close friend living in Sydney and a close friend who lives in Singapore. The latter has 2 young kids.

It’s simply not feasible for us to see each multiple times a year.

We’re still close friends and message almost daily though.

I agree that most friendships that have their root in physical proximity (work friends / friends from particular hobby groups / friends you live near and meet up regularly with) will not meaningfully survive one or both people leaving that shared space.

I think it's natural to build friendships with people you see regularly. Most people need this kind of social interaction and friendship.

The nature of that friendship will change when one/both move away or leave the company/club/neighbourhood or whatever. Entirely possible to maintain a friendship long distance, especially with What's App and Face Time etc. But it doesn't fulfil the same function it has before. And there are only so many long distance friendships you can practically maintain when expectations are that you meet up regularly, because it involves travel and overnight stays, or finding extra time outside the time you naturally shared together before. There's only so much of that you can do, or want to do.

I say this as someone whose best friend of decades lives in another country. I have tons of friends where one or both of us has moved away or out of a shared space, I maintain probably 3 or 4 of them as like priority friendships, and keep in touch with maybe 6 or 7 more but don't regularly see them, and the rest have just gradually fallen by the wayside over the years. I have no bitterness about it.

I think it depends on the friendship, life stages and what the location is. One of my best mates lives in Cornwall and I live in Manchester. She passes mine visiting family so stays over at mine and I love going to Cornwall to stay so we see each other probably 3/4 times a year. But we both work 4 days, we don't have kids so it's very easy. I've got some mates in Manchester who I like and enjoy spending time with, but if they moved 6 hours away I wouldn't be fussed keeping the friendship.

I'm happy chatting to friends on the phone, but hate long conversational messages, so I'm also more likely to keep in touch with friends who like a chat.

I suppose my definition of a good friend is someone who I could ring in the middle of the night if I had a crisis (which I'm not prone to, btw - it's just an attempt to define what I mean!). Someone from whom I feel no need to have any secrets (other than something confidential I might be holding for someone else, of course).

I’m not seeing how proximity or how often you physically see them affects any of that, though?

Sure, but why can't you do this with someone whom you only see once a year? I can guarantee you that I can ring any of my friends up and be offered unlimited support. In fact, my best friend was the first one who insisted I come and stay with her after my relationship broke down and I had to flee my home. She lives 4000 miles away and we have been meeting only once or twice a year for the last 30 years. Strictly speaking, she has no space for me either as they sleep on a pull out couch in the living room so their kids have a room each but she was prepared to make it work so I have somewhere safe to land for a few weeks.

100% disagree.
My closest friend (45 years) lives 200+ miles away.
Another friend (50 years) lives 150 miles away.
All our uni friends (43years) are scattered across the country.
Just because you may only see someone once or twice a year, doesn't mean you can't be friends (and some I'll see more often).
We have always kept in touch, via letter, then email, now WhatsApp. In fact, now all of their kids have grown up, I'm seeing some of them much more often.
We're there for weddings, christenings and funerals, as well as all the more casual stuff.
Friendships are most definitely not about geography.....they're about connection and commitment.

Proximity is one of the main driving factors in a friendship. There's lots of research to show that. Possibly less important now we have more contact via iphones / facetime. But still.

so even if you messaged frequently, commented on their SM posts, called occasionally, they'd just be asomebody that you used to he friends with? or do you only communicate with people face to face?

And yet many of us seem to manage without it.

I would never be friends with someone who didn't know how an oxbow lake was formed.

Maybe but I have friends on the other side of the planet and we make the effort to stay in touch and see each other.

No one said it was the only factor.

😆Nor anyone who didn't know there were 7 continents.

I have a school friend that lives 150 miles away, we meet once a year and have a long phone call approximately every other month.

I have an American friend who I see once a year for a week and we WhatsApp at least once a month.

I am good friends’s with my Husband’s school friends who live in America now and we go on holiday together every year.

I am close to a couple of cousins who live two hours away and I enjoy meeting up with.

All these friendships are easy to maintain, no drama, feel fair etc.

I have another friend who is moving soon and I think I’ll use it as opportunity to either only see her a couple of times a year or maybe end the friendship as it’s been draining seeing her for quite a while even though I do like her.

I wouldn’t consider someone I hadn’t seen for 35 years a friend.

Honestly yes. My feeling (and appreciate others will feel differently) is that if you can't/don't manage to meet up in 35 years then that's not a friendship. Life does get busy and things do drift but not for 35 years!

And I'm not a big social media user/fan. I think commenting on posts etc gives the feeling of friendship/closeness but it doesn't compare to the real thing. Wasn't there some research that said people have never felt lonelier than since the introduction of social media? The modern equivalent of feeling lonely in a crowded room.

I think it really depends what you call friendship. I see a lot of threads on Mumsnet where people feel that for a friendship to exist between people, you have to be in touch with them at least weekly and make plans to meet up a set number of times, and that if you're going back to your home town you're a bad friend if that visit doesn't always include time with an old friend who still lives there, etc.

But to me, that's not necessary for me to consider someone a friend. I was at a wedding recently with a group of very old friends of mine who I don't see from one year to the next and with whom my only contact is the odd social media conversation here and there, a Christmas card and a happy birthday text. We all live in completely different parts of the country. But we'd absolutely all consider ourselves close friends.

I'm not saying there's a right way and a wrong way to consider someone a friend - it's obviously down to the individuals. But to me, geography isn't an essential part of friendship because I don't need to be regularly meeting with someone or be making plans with them to consider them friends. Fortunately my friends feel the same way.

I agree, I deliberately don’t have my long distance friends on social media, then I feel like we need to meet up to have a proper catch ups and we do. I think liking people’s stuff is a fake way to be in their lives.

Yes, there are some utterly bizarre working definitions of friendship on here — mutual liking and an enjoyment of one another’s company seems to be entirely optional for some.

You've made a very helpful point here. I'm entirely tech-savvy but most of my friends are 15-20 years older than me (just how it worked out). They don't use FB or other social media and WA is only for an emergency (running late etc.), whereas I'm in touch with younger family members electronically all the time. Maybe that's why it feels as though the closeness with older, more distant friends has gone and as if it's me making all the effort.

I find it very hard sustain friendships remotely. I much prefer a monthly in person catch up than lots of texts throughout the year.

To me, remote friendships lose the value and depth and they’re rarely worth sustaining.

Not at all. I live 300 miles away from my 3 best friends. We meet up, I chat to them online and keep in touch

Agree completely. I’ve moved around a lot and find when several timezones are involved friendships, however strong, eventually fizzle out. And definitely change shape.

I don't think geography affects things at all. My best friend and I used to live together in our 20s. She moved 4 hours away for work and we regularly message/call and feel just as close.

I've had other friends I once considered close who live less than 30 mins away and feel like they've dropped off the face of the earth. I think sometimes it can have the opposite affect, "oh they're only up the road", so you never make concrete plans whereas I will make plans with my further away friends as I'd have no chance of seeing them otherwise!