Can I save my marriage ? Can we get ‘ the spark ‘ back ?

[myfaves]

My H and I have been together for 15-16 years, married for 8 or 9 years. Two kids. Both in primary school, under 8.

anyhow. Since around 1 year into the relationship I went off sex with him. I carried on doing it, when I didn’t want to. He was pretty grumpy when I didn’t agree to. He’s a good partner for me on paper.

I had a few long term relationships before this and essentially after a while, I would always go off sex really. So I didn’t think this was a reason not to continue. I thought it’s just what happens. My parents were pretty bad role models for me and my dad
never loved my mum and was always pretty abusive towards her, so I thought I must just be pretty damaged and subconsciously attracted to men who don’t want me and therefore go off sex when there is actually someone who wants to be with me.

in any case I didn’t think I would ever find anyone who I could have a long term sexual connection with.

anyway, lately I’ve just been feeling all these feelings for someone else. No, nothing has happened between me and this person. But so much of me had been literally dead for so many years, it’s starting to make me think if I can go on for the rest of my life, not enjoying or wanting sex with my husband.

It’s not just about sex either, I just don’t feel connected to him. He is always unhappy, grumpy to be around and miserable. I feel like I carry a lot of the emotional burden. Always trying to make sure he’s ok, trying to put his needs first. I don’t feel like he does the same with me. He never wants to do anything with the kids / us as a family. He gets bored and is grumpy whenever we do go out. I essentially just live my life with my kids and he’s on his own at home just watching TV / doing his thing at the weekends. He gets home late and leaves early for work so we don’t really see him during the week.

every day out is a bother for him.

what do I do ??

You cant get the spark back when there wasn't ever really a spark to begin with.

Going off sex after a year with someone when the novelty wears off, doesn't mean that that is just what happens. It CAN be that you only really enjoy sex when its a novelty with new people, or it could be that you just cant sustain interest in someone that isnt right for you.

It is not healthy that you just have sex that you don't really want, and that you have tried to leave before but you freak out when he gets upset or sad about it.
You really would benefit from working on yourself and becoming more comfortable with upsetting someone.
Him being upset is not proof that you shouldn't do it .
We all get one shot at life, and while of course you dont want to go round hurting people, sometimes you have to. You cant sacrifice the rest of your life like this. Being with a grumpy miserable man who doesn't want to go out or do anything. Guilt trips you into unsatisfactory shit sex and that you just aren't happy with or in love with.

No point trying to tell him that if he worked on this or that, it might get the spark back. Youre kidding yourself and thats actually not fair on him either, let alone yourself.

Its a horrible and awkward time. Ending a relationship is awful. Can be just as painful to end it as it is to be dumped, but god knows you have given it long enough.

Someone else catching your eye is clearly a catalyst here. It doesnt mean that person is right for you either, so I would maybe try and see it as a sign that your current relationship has come to the end of its tracks

That’s interesting. I also tend to retreat into a fantasy world on my own quite a lot, which I read can also be caused by being in an in uncomfortable/ stressful situations in childhood.

that’s why I don’t want to just ‘ get a divorce ‘. I need to get to the bottom of things. Although to be fair, I have had a lot of therapy and I do think about all of this stuff a lot and I’m trying to work it out. But I’m still somehow stuck.

I just have a lot of stuff going on in my head and I’m conflicted about it all and I don’t know what to believe, essentially.

on one hand I think everything is my fault, I’m a flakey dopamine junkie and just a bad person. My husband is the loyal one and I am just bad and have unrealistic expectations.

on the other hand, I think my husband isn’t really that nice. He’s good on paper but actually not that nice at all and not nice to me either. Doesn’t take part in anything as a family and is actually really boring and doesn’t appreciate me / us.

He's probably getting his sexual needs met somewhere else (affaire, porn, paid sex etc..) men don't just pull off their sex plug and stay happy. that's not how it works. Sounds like children and family have always been your main priorities, not sex (not judging you) but you sound miserable with this man and he sounds miserable with you so I would start putting those ducks on a row. Life is too short to be unhappy. Let your husband go and find a happy life, same with you.

We still have sex. But yeah maybe he is. Porn definitely.

This 100pc and the trials of caring for children impact enormously on relationships.