Can I save my marriage ? Can we get ‘ the spark ‘ back ?

[myfaves]

My H and I have been together for 15-16 years, married for 8 or 9 years. Two kids. Both in primary school, under 8.

anyhow. Since around 1 year into the relationship I went off sex with him. I carried on doing it, when I didn’t want to. He was pretty grumpy when I didn’t agree to. He’s a good partner for me on paper.

I had a few long term relationships before this and essentially after a while, I would always go off sex really. So I didn’t think this was a reason not to continue. I thought it’s just what happens. My parents were pretty bad role models for me and my dad
never loved my mum and was always pretty abusive towards her, so I thought I must just be pretty damaged and subconsciously attracted to men who don’t want me and therefore go off sex when there is actually someone who wants to be with me.

in any case I didn’t think I would ever find anyone who I could have a long term sexual connection with.

anyway, lately I’ve just been feeling all these feelings for someone else. No, nothing has happened between me and this person. But so much of me had been literally dead for so many years, it’s starting to make me think if I can go on for the rest of my life, not enjoying or wanting sex with my husband.

It’s not just about sex either, I just don’t feel connected to him. He is always unhappy, grumpy to be around and miserable. I feel like I carry a lot of the emotional burden. Always trying to make sure he’s ok, trying to put his needs first. I don’t feel like he does the same with me. He never wants to do anything with the kids / us as a family. He gets bored and is grumpy whenever we do go out. I essentially just live my life with my kids and he’s on his own at home just watching TV / doing his thing at the weekends. He gets home late and leaves early for work so we don’t really see him during the week.

every day out is a bother for him.

what do I do ??

This relationship is dead in the water isn’t it? I would get legal advice and start making plans to separate.

“My H and I have been together for 15-16 years, married for 8 or 9 years.”

It’s a bit weird that you don’t know exactly how many years you have been married.

Anyway, I would look at leaving him.

it doesn’t sound as though you make each other happy.

would you consider counselling?

I do think there is a honeymoon period where you’re naturally more intimate but your post suggests more issues than that.

being attracted to someone else is a pleasant distraction but please put it to one side. It’s not meant to be right now. Focus your energy at home, even if it is just to put it to bed.

I think you should work on your marriage and your dh and your sex life and get some therapy.

If we're going to ask someone to be faithfull to us for their whole lives then we need to provide something in return, to make that sacrifice worthwhile.

My only advice really is therapy, either yourself, couples therapy or sex therapy but talking things through with a professional will surely help.

But what would be the reason ? Because he’s grumpy and miserable ?

It’s very simple. Are you happy?

Because you’re not happy in the relationship is all the reason you need. Why is this surprising?

I am not really happy. I haven’t been for a long time. But it’s my attraction to someone else who has kind of put it to the forefront for me and I think that’s worrying.

That was my first take away. “Married for 8 or 9 years or something. Maybe 10. I don’t know. Whatever..”

If you are really not happy, I would leave him.

Maybe I don’t want to be exact with the years guys. It means nothing. I also don’t want to say exactly how old my kids are. It’s the same thing. Of course I know how long we’ve been married and together..

It sounds like the issue is you routinely going off sex after a year with all your partners. Sounds like a self sabotage or some form of defense mechanism to avoid getting too close? Think you need therapy.

Did you marry because you felt it was what people do and he’s so far the best of the bunch and you wanted kids?

No judgment- you certainly won’t be the first!

If you can accept that, then that’s maybe your starting point. I woukd also suggest counselling.

Yes I think so and I didn’t think sex was that important.

The fact that you always go off sex eventually suggests to me you should be cautious about jumping into relationships just because you feel that pull. There’s something there you need to look at with respect to relationships, otherwise you’ll likely repeat the same cycle over and over again.

That’s not to say you should stay in an unhappy relationship, but you definitely need to figure what’s behind the way you work in a relationship before getting into a new one.

If you ultimately think that in the long run, you’d be happier separated and single - not fixating on this attraction elsewhere then you have your answer.

Ask yourself if you want it to work. Do you want to try and make it work? Or are you actually past that point.

I assume you’re around 40/45. You still have another 40 or 50 years. Spend your time wisely in a way that brings you joy.

Yes I’m worried it’s like that. I will only be really into sex for longer if I can’t really be with the guy or he’s unavailable/ doesn’t like me.

I have had quite a bit of therapy. I clearly need to go back.

I really admire people who get themselves out of unhappy relationships.

Life is expensive and hard for a single parent though. You should consider leaving, but if you are not getting away from abuse, then it’s also reasonable to weigh up if you can afford to live separately- how would that look for you and the DC at the moment.

Ignoring the man you have a crush on because I don’t think it’s actually that relevant. It’s just highlighting the issue that your marriage is not a happy one.

Yeah the crush thing is totally never happening. It’s a symptom of everything. I’m also a dopamine junky and love all that dopamine and excitement etc a bit ton much. Again, that makes me worry I’m just never going to be happy with someone long term anyway.

Will you still want to divorce if a relationship with the person you’re attracted to is off the cards for whatever reason?

This is a difficult one. You've basically been lying to your husband for 14 years and treating sex as a chore. He's now, for completely mysterious reasons, grumpy and distant.

You've now decided that you're not happy and want to move on. Buckle up kids, mummy's about to put you through the trauma of a divorce because she 'deserves to be happy'. 🙄

Normally, I'd suggest you get real about adult life and how relationships aren't Hollywood romances, but perhaps it would be best if you put your husband out if his misery, so that he can have the chance of an honest relationship.

Have you tried, really tried, telling your dh how you’ve been feeling? He is obviously even more miserable than you have been.

If you’ve managed to live without sex all this time, and not really suffered from it, then I would guess you have a low sex drive and whilst you’re capable of some attraction it is probably not likely to be sustained beyond that early flush of excitement. I wouldn’t leave a good marriage for the chance of a fling.

So the question is can you have a good marriage? I don’t think you can but id definitely want to make some serious effort with dh before I turned my kids lives upside down.

You are both miserable.

Do you both actually want the relationship to work? If you do, I think counselling is worth trying.

If not, then discuss an amicable split.

This is always a good thought experiment - imagine you split up, and he finds a new partner. He's happier, you're presumably happy for him (rather than heartbroken or jealous) - then it's definitely divorce time.

If I go off sex with someone within a year of being with them, it's usually because the honeymoon infatuation period has died down and I can finally see them as they are, see the incompatibilities, and realise that they're not right for me.

Could this have been the case with you? It took me years to understand this and I stayed with partners for far too long because I thought they were overall decent partners on paper. I also had very poor relationship role models growing up.