Can I save my marriage ? Can we get ‘ the spark ‘ back ?

[myfaves]

My H and I have been together for 15-16 years, married for 8 or 9 years. Two kids. Both in primary school, under 8.

anyhow. Since around 1 year into the relationship I went off sex with him. I carried on doing it, when I didn’t want to. He was pretty grumpy when I didn’t agree to. He’s a good partner for me on paper.

I had a few long term relationships before this and essentially after a while, I would always go off sex really. So I didn’t think this was a reason not to continue. I thought it’s just what happens. My parents were pretty bad role models for me and my dad
never loved my mum and was always pretty abusive towards her, so I thought I must just be pretty damaged and subconsciously attracted to men who don’t want me and therefore go off sex when there is actually someone who wants to be with me.

in any case I didn’t think I would ever find anyone who I could have a long term sexual connection with.

anyway, lately I’ve just been feeling all these feelings for someone else. No, nothing has happened between me and this person. But so much of me had been literally dead for so many years, it’s starting to make me think if I can go on for the rest of my life, not enjoying or wanting sex with my husband.

It’s not just about sex either, I just don’t feel connected to him. He is always unhappy, grumpy to be around and miserable. I feel like I carry a lot of the emotional burden. Always trying to make sure he’s ok, trying to put his needs first. I don’t feel like he does the same with me. He never wants to do anything with the kids / us as a family. He gets bored and is grumpy whenever we do go out. I essentially just live my life with my kids and he’s on his own at home just watching TV / doing his thing at the weekends. He gets home late and leaves early for work so we don’t really see him during the week.

every day out is a bother for him.

what do I do ??

To me it feels like the initial infatuation with the person makes you enjoy sex. Love usually follows infatuation if you’re with the right partner and sex remains enjoyable between you because you love each other and sex provides that regular connection with the person you love.

My guess is you’ve never truly loved anyone yet, could this be the case?

@wfhinpjsmaybe ? What even is love ?

I don’t think I could leave my husband because it would kill me to make him sad / let him down. I tried once before we were married and it literally killed me to see him upset, so we got back together.

thank you for sharing. It’s a possibility.

I need to go back to the shrink.

It’s no wonder you’re not attracted to Gina. He makes you responsible gof everything and is a moody bastard even though you’re doing all the emotional and mental labour.

Dump his dusty miserable arse. Life is too short

How is egat she has described a good marriage?

You don’t love him and you don’t find him attractive. I don’t think you ever have.

He doesn’t sound great to be around but you also don’t seem like a great partner yourself (respectfully).

It’s impossible to say without knowing you, but you’re either suited for short term relationships only because once the novelty wears off you lose interest or you need to find someone who doesn’t want sex, just like you.

If I were your partner I’d be miserable too (but I’d leave).

You’ll get mostly leave him and divorce responses here. But playing devils advocate, because someone has to! - Is it not perfectly understandable to be miserable and grumpy when stuck in a relationship with no sexual intimacy (is there non sexual intimacy?) and when your wife clearly isn’t happy. But marriages are a long hard slog and sometimes the rough patches last years not months, as you well know having been in it for almost 20 years. Is he your best friend? Do you think it’s time for you to arrange some talking therapy for yourself first. You are facing a mountain and you need to decide if you want to climb it or walk a different way. A counsellor or a psychologist might be helpful here. When you imagine real every day life on your own without him, how do you feel?

Did you read the OP “ he was pretty grumpy when I didn’t agree to” …………what does that sound like? Honesty ….met with coercion.

The rest of your post …pantomimes about children being hurt by their mother having an opinion or wish to have some quality of life when this father can’t even give them a happy day out ….you think that’s good for children? …..I’ll save you the emojis

It’s good to play devils advocate. It’s not that straight forward. We do have sex by the way, I just haven’t wanted to for a long time and just gave in anyway to keep the peace. He would want to have sex all the time and I just don’t want to. He always gets grumpy and begs and guilt trips me if I don’t comply. He complains it’s not enough for him and he wants to ‘ do other stuff ‘ that I don’t want to do.

I don’t feel sexually attracted to him but he’s a good looking man. I’m probably a rubbish partner but I do try to look after him / take care of his moods, which really affect me. I am always asking if he’s ok, trying to make him happy. He’s just always in a mood. He doesn’t want to talk much and it feels like it’s always me, trying to connect. He only wants to have sex, that’s how it feels. Like I’m just some sort of outlet for him.

I don’t have a low sex drive. Something about sex with him has put me off. Maybe that’s just how it will always be with whoever I’m with, which is why I’m reluctant to leave my marriage. But equally I just can’t imagine feeling that connection ever again with him. But maybe I can never feel it with anyone, once it’s no longer novel ? Or once the person actually loves me back. I don’t know. I need therapy. I keep saying it but I do. I think I can psychoanalyse myself to some degree- I never saw my father love my mother, so I guess subconsciously, I’m always looking for something unavailable to me. When I actually have someone that’s available, I lose interest.

but it could be more complex than that with my husband too. It may be the dynamic we are in, the fact I feel obliged and like it hasn’t really been my choice to sleep with him for so long and I’ve felt I had to do it, to keep the peace. I just want to have sex, because it’s what I want- not because I want my husband to be nice to me.

i don’t feel like he’s that nice to me in general, but even less nice, when I refuse sex. Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t shouty and we don’t really fight often at all. It’s more just that I feel like I’m always trying to make sure HE’s ok / trying to make conversation with him, thinking of ways to make him happier and I’m not sure he really does that for me. For example he can always have a lie in, I tip toe around. I take the kids out for most of the day so he can chill, hoping he’ll be a bit nicer / chatty/ not as grumpy/ quiet. But when I come back, he’s just the same.

I don’t think he really thinks about me the same way. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just thinking of it all wrong. I just feel confused about everything. I don’t really trust anything I’m feeling or saying or thinking.

You leave, hard, but from what you have said, likely worth it. Nothing to do with the 'other' one

You’ve lost me here lovely. If you can find attraction to someone else, perhaps you’re putting the energy in the wrong places & maybe you’re switching off from him subconsciously and than your relationship is taking the slack.

you’ll be seen as the enemy if you break up with him and jump straight into bed with another guy.. my children would rightly never forgive me, and nor would I if my mum did that to my dad.

I think you need to strip it back, go on a few alone nights, talk to eachother.

share your feelings with your DH and suggest counselling. If he wont engage you can attend anyway on your own - that will help you make up your mind. At least then you have offered him the chance to work on solving the issues. After that there is little holding you back from ending things. You cannot live your life holding up the whole family including a miserable man-child. This is detrimental to your long-term health. Do consider the impact on the kids for both staying and ending it. Also consider the practicalities of living arrangements and finances and contact with the kids. Before you start the process of considering or acting on divorce see a solicitor to find out your legal position. There are no fault divorces now and also online solicitor managed divorce packages that can be a cheaper way to do it but ensure you get a clean break divorce (re finances). Best of luck to you and your future.

OP this sounds absolutely horrendous. It's shocking he guilt trips and bullies you into having sex you don't want. And wtf would you want sex with him when you're already tiptoeing around his awful moods and taking the children out to appease him. I can't fathom why it devastates you so much to upset him when he doesn't seem to care less about your happiness. You deserve so, so much better.

I would put money on you being an “AudADHD” couple

you are craving dopamine, he is constantly dysregulated by family life and doesn’t understand he has autism so it comes out as grumpiness, you do the classic adhd I’m super sensitive to everyone’s moods and try and fix them but burn out in the process.

I suspect you both need to explore if you are neurodivergent, if you are and you can come up with strategies to both feel happier with life then you will be able to see if you are compatible or not.

Hes not making you happy, and youre wasting your life with someone you should have ended the relationship with after the first year.

Easy mistake to make tbf.
I spent 9yrs and got married to someone i should have dumped after a year . You'd be surprised how common it is.

You dont need to have a 'reason ' . You can just decide that you want to pursue happiness and that both you and he deserve better.

maybe ! I was diagnosed with adhd this year actually ! Funnily enough. I’ve tried to get my husband to address his depression or whatever he has, his chronic unhappiness. But he just won’t. He also thinks it’s all bullshit anyway, including my adhd diagnosis. I also take SSRIs and adhd meds( since I was diagnosed ). And ever since I’ve started the adhd etc and being on the medications, so much has changed for me.

he doesn’t believe in all this mental health stuff and thinks it’s all bollocks and just mopes around.

OP this is not a relationship or a proper marriage. Set both of you free and divorce.

Sorry posted under the wrong comment!

You won’t be able to fix this for him, and I think stop trying. He needs to acknowledge it himself. And if he is autistic you telling him to do it will almost make him stubbornly not do it. (Demand avoidance is common!).

Have some therapy and explore how to have some healthy boundaries and to stop trying to regulate his moods. You don’t have to be unkind but just walk away and stop engaging.

I would also have an honest conversation about how miserable you feel and ask him if he wants the relationship to change. You probably need to decide what your red lines are and be prepared to walk away.

Is he grumpy and miserable due to the lack of sex?
Nothing more off putting than a grumpy man.
Have you tried having date nights to re kindle things.
Have you talked to him.
Do you want/could you love him that way again.
If not cut your losses.

I think that you are unlikely to be able to suddenly turn your DH into the person you want and he doesn’t sound like someone many (?any) of us would want to be with. Get the proverbial ducks in a row and separate.
Your attraction to someone else is a red herring; It’s easy to start thinking that the grass is greener the other side of the fence when you’re in an unhappy relationship but this person may turn out to be less attractive if you get closer.
Also, I find it concerning that some of the things you say seem to suggest you would find a new partner immediately after any split. I’d say that you should take time out and work on yourself through counselling or therapy first.

Honestly, there are phases to relationships and they change to fit whatever is happening in your lives. It’s tough with young kids. What helped us ( I was grumpy and my Dh very patient) was that we talked. We talked about our future, about retirement and where we would travel/see. How we would do it and then where we might end up living. We talked about the possibility of uni and where our son might end up.
now we are 5 years away from our dreams and the spark came back a couple of years ago. Ps menopause is tough as well. If he is a good man and husband, maybe you need to talk and to work at things a little. (I used to look at flats and imagine I was going to leave him. But I know in my heart he was worth staying with.) good luck. X

@myfaves look into developmental trauma. And CPTSD. They can both show up like ADHD and your description of your childhood and people pleasing (fawn response) tendencies make me think this could apply to you and explain your relationship choices and your feelings.

I agree with this. You’re fed up and he’s not giving you the attention you’re wanting so your relationship has gone a bit stale and you’re looking elsewhere.
Get counselling to try and iron out the resentments you’re probably both carrying and see if you can make a go of it.
Ask yourselves what it was initially that you were attracted to and task the other to try to bring it back.
It’d be a shame to chuck it away just because you maybe just feel a bit fed up and neglected.