Should I tell DC more about the divorce?

[permanenttrain]

Name changed for this - apologies for any grammar issues as I’m on my phone.

Ex-H and I split 2 years ago, divorce was finalised 4 months ago. We have 3 DC - DS13, DD11 and DS6. We split because I found out that H was cheating, he has since moved in with OW and they are now engaged.

The split itself was fairly amicable, no fighting in front of the children etc. We had one massive argument when I found out and that was it. We co-parent fairly well together, although I do the vast majority of the childcare/arrangements. He essentially has them for one night every other week and does not pay any maintenance, nor have I asked for any.

Financially I am the much higher earner and the house was mine pre-marriage due to an inheritance. Ex is a teacher and works term-time only, but only has to support himself and OW - plus the kids one night EOW.

The issue is this - over the last few months DS13 has been making increasingly nasty little comments to me and I’m sure that they must have been said to him by Ex or OW. The nanny has also reported that when I am away for work (a couple of nights a month) he also makes comments about me and my “commitment to my children”.

Examples:

1. I recently told DS that he couldn’t have another pair of trainers as they were too expensive and he didn’t need them, but that if he really wanted them he could put them on his Christmas list (trying to teach him the value of money). His response was to have a tantrum and question where the money his Dad pays me is going?! He doesn’t pay me a penny! Nor does he pay for any of their extra-curricular activities or trips or even bloody pocket money!
2. When I came back from a work trip recently he questioned who I’d been with and asked if I had really been away for work or just off having a nice time away from them.
3. I bought a black tie dress to go to work event recently and he apparently told the nanny that evening that I was wasting all the money I’d “won” in the divorce. It was always my bloody money!

His behaviour is now starting to filter down to DD and I think this needs nipping in the bud. I think he’s old enough for me to sit him down and tell him a bit more about the divorce and our split (in a sanitised way) and maybe answer some questions that he might have.

I want to say:

1. I gave his Dad a bit of money in the divorce - he did not give me any money or pay anything towards the house.
2. We always kept our finances separate and kept a joint account for joint expenses, I do not owe his Dad any money. I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell him that his Dad actually emptied that account when he left.
3. His Dad does not pay any money towards them. Anything they have had over the last 2 years has been solely provided by me. I have not asked him for a contribution and he has not offered one.
4. I offered their Dad 50:50 custody but he refused it unless I paid for an additional full time nanny until the youngest is 13. I refused and he immediately said he was happy with his one night.

I understand that it has been difficult for him with having a Dad who was around a lot until a couple of years ago, but I don’t think I should have to be the villain here. Thoughts?

I understand that you don’t need maintenance from your ex as you are able to provide financially for your DC but child maintenance is not about your relationship with your ex but his responsibility to his DC. Do you have a family based agreement where you agreed to no child maintenance?

You haven't been a single parent long OP. From experience crack that whip from now. Take your ex to CMS he should be paying for his DC. What about school holidays?? Why isn't he doing half?

Well XH has been telling a lot of lies hasn’t he? I wonder how OW will react when your house isn’t sold when youngest reaches 18 with whatever £££ she thinks that will generate?

ETA I agree with PP. You should be claiming child maintenance. If you don’t need it, DC will when they are older. It’s your job to claim it on their behalf. Better it’s spent on them than OW?

My ex chose to live somewhere where he couldn’t do 50:50 but he could have done EOW. He didn’t. He chose to pay highest rate CM so that he never had responsibility overnight. He even charged me from CA and CB for DS2 to travel to meet him for a couple of hours EOW with a £10 lunch budget. I sucked it up so DS2 could have some kind of relationship with his dad.

He still sees his dad on occasion but as he is now 20 I have to tell him not to trust anything his dad says because it likely to be untrue. Ie his dad cut off all financial support when he left 6th form but claims he is paying his rent whilst at uni. This would easily be disproved if DS2 moved out of his home where he pays no rent into student accommodation.

I still can’t directly tell him that his dad chose not to see him. Or that his dad disinherited him for a girlfriend he had known less than a year and has now split up from. He is young. He would interpret this as a judgement of him rather than his dad.

I agree with this. If your rude son is old enough to question the set up, he’s old enough to grasp the facts.

I’d even go as far as using a spreadsheet to outline income & outgoings. (I do love a spreadsheet!)

Shut him down. Soon.

I'd ask your ds what he understands the arrangements have been financially first. He may have his wires crossed, it may be that his dad has fed him some untruths or maybe the OW has.
I'd find that out first and go from there. He doesn't need to know the actual financial figures, just that you aren't being financially assisted by your ex. He does need to know that he can't always have what he wants. It could be that your ds is being smart and manipulating the situation. I'm not saying that to be unkind btw.
Whatever you do, do it in a way that doesn't criticise your ex(as tempting as that is). Just the facts. He's still their dad after all.

This

Tell him the financial situation, his dad pays nothing and you got nothing from the divorce. He is old enough to know that his dad left you for another woman, but play that by ear. You can't allow his dad to poison him against you and it will get more difficult to counter if you don't deal with it now.

Your son doesn't need the sanitised version, he needs the truth. I have been through a dhocking divorce and kept the vast majority from the children as they were teens at the time, I promosed myself that i woukd never lie to them if they asked anything about it once they turned 18. All of them were outraged that i had kept so much from them and all said they should have been told the whole story from the start.
Don't let your children live in a false story.

Thanks all.

Ex and I are meeting tomorrow morning to discuss while my parents have the children.

I don’t agree with giving the children too much information, particularly regarding specific financials. My earnings are none of their business, but telling them that their Dad does not contribute is reasonable. However, I do think for DS13 and DD that it’s high time that they learnt more about the value of money and how much their extra-curricular activities (and life in general) cost.

I will suggest to Ex that he starts putting some money into savings for the children, but I have no interest in adding to my admin load and facilitating it. Neither do I think I should have to take a hard line and enforce a contribution, if he wants to do it then he can.