Condom missing from boyfriend’s spare room?? Weeks ago but it’s still hurting my head. Help 🙈🤣

[rachel955]

Hey Everyone this a very long read but this is something that happened weeks ago but still hurting my head a bit. I would be a chronic overthinker. So a few weeks ago. Me and my boyfriend had really big fall outs it was a Thursday and a Friday. My boyfriend has condoms sitting in his spare room ontop of a cabinet ever since before I met him. The spare room is basically just full of ps4 games and old stuff, some clothes. Before the fall out I’m nearly sure I checked them and there was 11. Because I remember it was a pack of 12 and I remember there was always one spare sitting in the box. (Me and my boyfriend used one one time I was on my period) At the end of August. So me and my partner had a big fall out on the Thursday and I stormed out of his house at 11pm. (He was messaging me when I left and he went straight to bed) then on Friday we never spoke all day and I bumped into him at the shop around 6pm and he told me to come to his house for a chat (which I couldn’t go because I had already booked a night away with my friends) so then I started texting him and we texted back and forth up until around 10.30pm when he told me he’s exhausted and in for bed. Then the next morning around 11am he landed at my house and just acted normal we made up and I went and spent the evening with his son and him no sign of anti guiltyness. (His sons 14). And I stayed over and me and OH slept together etc. and also stayed with him on Sunday. Then it was Monday morning I checked his condoms and I’m nearly sure there was 1 missing. Because the last time I checked there was 11 and then now 10. The last time I checked there was one spare one in the box then this time it was 2,4,6,8 and then two spare ones equalling 10. Where as before it was 2,4,6,8,10 then one spare one in the box. I rung him straight away and asked who he fucked whenever we had them fall outs (although I don’t know when he would of got the time) and he was offended when I asked him and said he hasn’t been in that spare room in weeks and we broke up for literally a week over this. He’s never gave me any suspicion of cheating and on that morning he came to my house (before the condom incident) he handed me over his phone and even gave me the password for his phone and any time we have fell out before he easily hands over his phone. And alls he really does is works and sleeps. He also told me it might of been his son as his son is in and out of that room getting ps4 games, but he asked his son and his son said no. But over the weekend his son was tellin us he has a friend whose a girl and she was hinting about him going to the formal with her etc. so I have no clue. But the week we where broke up he landed to my house crying and put his hand on my heart and said he has never even looked at another girl since me and he even messaged my friend and my dad to try and get speaking to me and even swore blind to him he never done anything. Advice would be grateful I also have screenshots I could share from what he said. He after 5 days then told me he also remembers a month ago giving a guy from work one and then he messaged the guy to. Will post photos

If he isnt seeing anyone else now then he soon will be because no man will put up with behaviour like yours for long.

I mean that I would never tell someone that they were wrong about cheating because how would I ever know, I’m not belittling what you think happened, but you need to decide for yourself.

BUT!!! Ultimately the only answer you are going to get from him is that no, he didn’t cheat. So now you need to do one of a couple of things:

1. decide to believe him - and stop asking about it
2. decide not to believe him - and decide whether to stay with him, or
3. realise it doesn’t matter whether or not you believe him because the relationship doesn’t work for you. It is making you question everything and not allowing you to behave like a sane person, so decide if this is really what you want for yourself.

How did he text him if he didn't have his number?

Please do the right thing and let the poor bugger leave this quite frankly awful relationship.
you sound proper bat shit crazy, how on earth would say these things to someone you are meant to love?

he deserves so much better than you, sorry.

I need to lay down.

I would be tempted to say that I have cheated even if I hadn’t just to stop you whining!

You won’t be happy until he says that he has cheated!

Please use ‘doms’! Please, please, please.

Do you have DC?

I sincerely hope this poor man had a trusted friend or family member who will help him see this isn’t right and that he needs to go very far in the opposite direction.

That was Instagram

When we faught really bad that day on the phone he was like “I wish I did ride someone so I could admit somethin the way u keep accusing me”

You sound absolutely appalling. Either believe him and shut up about it or dump him for good. It’s impossible to prove you haven’t slept with someone. Stop going through his phone and checking his messages. It’s coercive control.

This is all way too much drama. Who lives like this?

Let us know when you've left him xx

If he has a 14 year old son then he is the likely remover of the condom. I have to ask, why would you use a condom during your period? Very unlikely to get pregnant and won't solve the blood on the sheets problem (although an old towel under you would). Just curious.
Other than that, your relationship is a mess and needs careful sorting.

Tbh i don’t believe the story about giving one to his apprentice. Took too long for him to come up with that excuse and it’s def something he’d have remembered when you quizzed him on the condoms. The message he sent and the response also sounds like a set up to prove his innocence.

having said all that I’m not convinced one way or the other in relation to cheating. The whole relationship sounds insane and unhealthy.

regardless of whether he cheated you should end it.

before all this happened what made you count the condoms in the first place? It’s clear you didn't trust him before any of this as that’s not sane behaviour. Also sounds like you have a habit of checking his phone? Another example of you not trusting him and needing constant reassurance

without the backstory it’s hard to know if you’re paranoid and suffocating, or if this is a result of how he’s treated you previously. However that’s kind of irrelevant as you shouldn’t be together either way

This is an abusive relationship. You are the abuser. The poor guy is walking on eggshells.

Are you the poster who got all suspicious because there was an extra toothbrush at the guy's house?

This would make me suspicious tbh (assuming it suddenly appeared). unless there was an explanation like a friend or family member staying, or he’d bought himself a new one.

Set the poor man free and just break up with him.

Please split from him - obsessive counting of condoms, dragging the son in, messaging. It’s not fair on either your DP or his son,

He has a 14yo son and you're all talking to each other like you're 11?

You sound unbearable.

You don't trust him so leave.

Yanbu. This is totally reasonable and balanced behaviour. I hope you track him constantly too. I suggest the next step is to take control of his bank accounts so you can be certain he doesn't buy any other condoms without your knowledge.

Doubt the thread is real, but stilll.
Finny that when it's a woman it's reassurance, when it's a man it's abusive control.
Actually not funny at all. Because no matter who does it, it is always abusive.

This behaviour is exactly what women who were under controlling abusers describe on mumsnet. It's not great to call it "seeking reassurance" . It's seeking control. Do you ask men if their woman gave them reason to be abusive. Giving them benefit of doubt? Because very abuser will say "yes the other person did x an y so it's reasonable to be controlling"

You asked what you should do- you should end this relationship and work on yourself. Your behaviour is unhinged and the behaviour in those text is abusive, just because you are a woman and you had a fight doesn’t give you a pass to badger and harass the poor man. He is clearly trying to end he relationship in those texts too.

Recognise this relationship is unhealthy and some some work on yourself, or if you genuinely think he is the type to cheat pick better next time. This is all bonkers and you will always have doubts because it is impossible to prove a negative.

Assume he’s guilty. Go with your doubt because as you say it’s not giving you any peace.
Assume he’s slept with someone else and repeatedly lied to you on top of that . So now you stay strong, break up with him and let him get on with his life.
You’ll feel better.
The worse option is the one now where you don’t believe him and it really matters to you but you still stay.