AIBU to apply for mediation

[OneJadeHiker]

My ex and I have a difficult relationship, which has been getting steadily worse over the past few years. From my point of view he has become less and less reliable and more hostile, and seems to expect me to be 100% responsible for everything child related. Kids are 18 (with additional needs) and 14. The latest thing is that he has decided to cut down his contact with the 14 from once a week (sat pm to sun afternoon) to once a month, as the travel costs are too much. This comes after he moved a further 15mins away (now an hours drive), to a 4 bed house, though obviously according to him the move has nothing to do with it. He tried to shift travel costs onto me by insisting teen would need to need to take public transport to his which i would need to arrange and pay for. I refused as I genuinely cannot afford it - his maintenance per child is less than £33 a week and transport would have been around £15-£20). He has now decided he can only see teen when his parents visit once a month, and they will pick up and drop off on their way past.
I am livid, not for me (because quite frankly the less he is involved the less he can change things last minute and expect me to fix it), but for my child who adores their dad and is gutted. Am I unreasonable to have applied to mediation to show my child that I am doing everything I can to make sure they can still see him? I don't actually think he will attend, but I want teen to know that I am not the reason they don't see him. I know nobody can force him to see them if he doesn't want to, but I also know he will try and frame it to the kids as my fault somehow. Am I wasting a mediators time, in the vain hope he will commit to something for the sake of the 14yo? And even if it does work am I just setting them up to be let down by him again? Should I just cancel the mediation request and let it play out naturally?
Sorry it's so long!

Seems to me you’re taking a responsible approach. Nothing to lose. Good luck

You can go through mediation but nothing agreed in mediation is legally binding, so dad can agree but he doesn’t have to do it.

I went through similar when my 13 yo DS was younger. It was very difficult and I’m sad to say that in the end his dad did what he wanted to do anyway. At the time we had to do 2 rounds of mediation before it could go to family court.

Thanks, just needed to confirm it wasn't wasting everyone's time!

Yeah, I know he won't have to stick to it, but it would mean he couldn't blame me to the kids if he didn't. I do also think if he attended it might make him consider some of it from my point of view and the practicalities of what he is asking of me. I don't plan on going to court over it, I just really want teen to see that I want them to see him, rather than him twisting it so they think it's my fault for refusing to let them go by public transport etc. I really don't think he will attend though, I suspect most of the messages I get from him regarding contact arrangements are written by his partner (a lot younger and very different way of expressing herself) and mediation would mean she wasn't involved and he had to make a decision and stick to it, which would mean taking some kind of responsibility for himself and his choices...

Forgive me for going off on a tangent. I think maybe another thing to consider is how to create some emotional distance between you and the ex. What he thinks, what people will say, how the kids view things…it’s a maze that will just buzz round your head.

I can see what you are saying, but its not the ex that is causing me to be emotionally involved, its my child. I don't think you can consider the situation for your child and how to do the best by them, without considering how things are likely to play out.
I haven't cancelled the mediation request anyway, so will just have to see if it ends up being of any use.

If it's literally just about the travel costs then it feels like you should be able to work something out between you or through mediation. But you need to think about whether you can compromise too. Do you or your adult child drive? Lots of people meet half way if there's a big distance and both parents drive. Or split the travel costs 50:50.

But unless money is extremely tight for him as well it kind of seems like he just doesn't want to see your children that much. Sorry.

Honestly?

If it were me in this situation, I would take that £15-20 out of the maintenance and just pay for the transportation, even if it was just for one additional visit a month.

You said your youngest adores his dad and is upset, so I’d want to do what I could to try to help facilitate the situation, even if it should be the exes responsibility 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have suggested having child for longer but less frequently (fri-sun every other week), if he did this plus his parents did one trip a month he would still see them 3 weeks out of 4, whilst halfing his travel costs. That was ignored. As was asking what his plan was for holidays (currently usually has child for 3-5 days over Christmas and every other week in summer - he could have more if wanted, but again no response). I don't drive, and public transport is iffy at weekends and completely non existent on sundays here. I have said I would get teen to train station for holiday visits, and put them on train, but he would need to cover train ticket, no response to that either, other than the message to say he would just see them once a month. It doesn't seem like he will compromise, but that is where I was hoping mediation may be able to help. 18yo is high needs so not only doesn't drive but also wouldn't be able to be left home while I took 14yo to station.