DD upset with how things worked out with her dad - we messed up

[Tattluv]

I have two daughters. Their dad was my second love but first grown up relationship in my early 20s. I didn't want things to end but he ended it because we were arguing a lot. Anyway, we co-parented from when they were very young and he's a great dad. It took me a long time to be "over it" but I accepted and stuck to only talking about the kids and what was needed. He eventually got into a long term relationship.

During covid times me and the ex started talking about more than just the girls. We would text a lot about everyday things, our interests we used to bond over, families etc. we basically had an emotional affair. Eventually those messages turned sexual at times. I was single through all this, he was in his relationship but they were drifting apart. Nothing physical happened for over a year, then we started secretly meeting up. We would go on the odd night out and have a dance, hug, hold hands, went for a meal.

After a few of these meetups we ended up kissing. He felt terrible about it although he had to admit he didn't love his partner in the way that he should, so he told her everything and they broke up. I know what I did was wrong. My part in it is wrong. I really hoped we could be together properly as a family eventually. We continued meeting up and going on dates. We kept it from the girls for a few months, but eventually our oldest DD figured out what was happening and asked if we are back together. I told her we were working on it and we hope to be. She was excited.

Turns out ex has turned into a massive committment phobe as he's got older (he admits himself) and he ended up saying he's not sure it will work between us. I was gutted and felt so messed around. I let him go because I didn't want to beg anymore like I did during the first breakup. I had to tell DD we werent going to be back together. She was upset but did really well with accepting it.

Well lately she has been asking questions and mentioning how she missed her dad's old house and her "step mum" She's 14 now and has put 2 and 2 together and knows I'm the reason they broke up and that we were cheating. I've been honest with her and her sister. She's upset with her dad too but I feel like I'm taking most of the blame here. DD11 is fine and doesn't care about it all. I have a new partner of 1 1/2 years who they both really like, but of course she's disappointed mum and dad isn't together. I've apologised and told them both I'm sorry for the way things happened but it's still affecting her.

She said the worst thing about it all is not only we didn't end up together, but also he threw away his ex. And I totally understand her view, but they were already growing apart and might not have stayed together despite me. I even told him after we kissed not to leave her just for me and to make sure it's what he really wants. Anyway what can I do to make things better? Their dad isn't with anyone (at least not officially, very possibly casually,) I'm now in a happy relationship and I barely communicate with ex. If I do it's strictly about DDs.

Again I know I was wrong and really messed up but DD wasn't even supposed to find out until things were more certain. I can apologise until I'm blue in the face but I can't do much practically and she's happy about my partner, so I wish we could move onto the future as a family.

Your daughter is only 14 and far too young and inexperienced to understand such adult issues. You cant make it up to her. Its not your fault, or anyones. Life is messy. Kids dont see that. You cant explain. You need to tell her that and stop beating yourself up.

Do you think it might help if she still saw her stepmum' occasionally? Would the 'SM' want to see her?

Those relationships don't need to end just because the romantic relationship has ended & at 14, they can do lots of things together they aren't 'childcare'

I was going to say it might be good if she can still see her step mum. I’m sure that will help with whatever resentment she has towards you.

Other than facilitating that communication there’s nothing else you can do. When you behave in a shitty way that hurts other people you have to live with the consequences.

It seems very unlikely the ex stepmum would want to be reminded of her ex cheating on then dumping her for his ex. If OP’s been with the new man for 18 months the ex stepmum must have been out of the picture for longer than that and has hopefully moved on and is with someone better who isn’t a cheater and doesn’t have an overly involved ex.

OP, it’s pretty grim your DD knows about any of this, what was she, 12? All you can do is accept how she feels and move on.

Unfortunately his ex doesn't want to be involved. She took what happened very hard and just wants to move on. They weren't married but were together years and acted like a step mum so it's harsh to drop them but that's her decision.

Thanks. My girls are amazing and strong willed, but the oldest is especially very black and white and concerned with injustice. I'd love to make it up but the only way, as far as I can see would be to turn back time.

After a long relationship and being an involved stepmum, which isn’t easy, she found out her partner had been cheating on her with you, his ex of all people. And you think she’s the one who’s been “harsh”?!

She was kind and caring to your children for years and you had an affair with her partner. You’re as bad as each other. Complaining that she feels she’s had no choice but to move on completely after the two of you broke her heart and ruined her life as she knew it is absolutely wild.

Was she babysitting the kids while you and he were out dancing and holding hands?

You need to treat your children like children and not burden them with the details of your love life. Honesty is not the best policy, it’s weird and inappropriate to tell them this much detail about your relationships. My parent did the same and I absolutely hated it, plus it gave me a really warped view of what to expect from partners

I wouldn't say I'm complaining but I do think it's harsh to take it out on kids. As you say they had a loving relationship for years. They didn't hurt her we did. But it's her choice to make. As for was she babysitting when we were out - I think only once.

That’s harsh! You left her babysitting your kids whilst you were out with her fella? Wow, that’s shameful!

Your dd is no doubt upset she’s lost her step mother whom she probably grew to love and upset and worried that her dad is now all alone.

You can’t make this up to her. Time will be healer.

Why are you blaming step mum here? She did nothing but care for your children and you and her partner had an affair.

I dont blame her for having no contact with any of you. She has had a lot of trauma to deal with and continuing a relationship with the children would have been too difficult.

Also. Your dd is 14. Stop treating her like a therapist.

You can’t fix this. All you can do is provide actual stability going forward. At 14 she has seen her parents break up, bring other people into her life, reconcile, break up again, and bring more people into her life.

She already knows your boyfriend, but has no way of knowing if he will be around long term. I would focus on keeping your dating life and home life separate. She doesn’t need to be privy to the details of your relationships beyond that you are dating.

As time has passed can your DD contact step Mum and say she misses her? If that’s what she needs, or is she saying it was better at Dads with a woman there and do you need to dig deeper into that?

Are you for real? Do not blame this woman. Only you and your ex are entirely at fault here. She has absolutely no responsibility towards your children. Give your head a wobble.

I don’t think she “took it hard”, and I don’t think it’s “unfortunate” she doesn’t want to be involved. Her partner cheated on her, she lost two girls she was close to and had built a relationship with, and the reason she is being considered again is to make life easier for her cheating ex and the woman her cheated on her with.

There are villains in this story, but she isn’t whine of them

‘Harsh’ to drop them, after you had an affair with her partner.

Just wow.

DD is smart, she’s worked out exactly what the issue is.

I think I might be tempted to tell her how much your dd misses her and ask would she consider staying in touch with her. She was a very big part of your dd's life for a long time. I might also look into counselling for dd(s).

Your DD is a young child and doesn’t understand the complexities of adult life. If any of my kids would have spoken to me like that, i’d had knocked it on the head after a conversation. Ultimately her dad wasn’t too happy in that relationship and you wanted to get back with him, you weren’t out to just destroy the relationship.

This. They might be kids but, in her shoes, I doubt I’d want anything to do with any of you. I’d be focusing on rebuilding my life not complicating it. It’s a consequence of the affair which, honestly, was likely to go nowhere anyway.

Teens can be very black and white and have a strong sense of justice. As she grows she’ll come to realise that people are flawed and can do ill judged things. No doubt she’ll do many like all of us. I wouldn’t try to explain, just be there for her and remember 14 isn’t an easy age.