AIBU for saying no to MIL during postpartum?

[Tutut]

We've got a difficult relationship with MIL who is a narcissist. Most recently, she asked to me to cook for a dinner she is hosting (second family dinner in 7 years she's hosting) whilst I'm 4 months postpartum after my third C-section. All children are currently ill which she knows. She's never offered once to bring a meal or any support for the baby since little one has arrived. Also came completely empty handed when she first saw him at our house. It's unfortunately a negative pattern with her. So I said no to her request and she's responded passive aggressively. I really want to reduce contact as she's full of negativity and self importance and causing lots of unnecessary stress and drama whilst I'm running on empty, and sil has already reduced contact for the same reasons historically. However they're also looking after our toddler once a week, and I'm keen to move him to nursery an extra day but dh wants to give them another chance. Aibu for saying no and wanting distance? We have no other support.

Of course you're not the slightest bit U. Ignore any daft messages - at least you've got the ideal excuse, with sick kids and a baby. If she raises it just give it a vague "yeah, I've kind of got my hands full here, didn't see it". Same thing if it's face to face: "Ha ha, bit swamped, it's the best I can do to make my own household's food". Act like you don't notice any huffing.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to say no and go low contact. Tell her to order Uber Eats.

Yanbu and I'd definitely move your LO to childcare so you're not beholden to MIL. What is DH doing to stop all this BS? Tell him HE can cook if he wants to, but you most definitely are not.

If she's hosting - she should do the cooking. Sounds like the sort of person to lap up all the praise for the cooking without telling anyone you did it as well 😂

Does your husband lack hands or competence that she hasn’t asked him to cook?

You can’t have her doing free childcare so definitely only use nursery. Step back but that means you can’t have her doing favours.

No, you're not unreasonable to say no and you're right to distance yourself as much as possible. If you put your child in the nursery that day, then she has nothing to hold over your head or weaponize, like saying she can't watch your kid on a day you have something important going on. Your kids are sick, does she want to get her guests sick?

She had her chance. Tell your husband no.

You are certainly not U to refuse to cook for her. Why can't she do her own cooking? But I wouldn't reduce contact between her and her GC, just know in your own mind that if she turns awkward about it in retaliation for anything you dont/do, you are already prepared with the alternative childcare.

with unreasonable people like her who make unreasonable demands (and what she's asked is outrageous) it's best to get in first and act offended at their requests.

Just say, 'I'm barely feeding my own children' and engage no more.

who cares about her passive aggressive comments? You have 3 children now, just ignore her nonsense. You have to stop feeding her ego by giving her batshittery any attention.

Your DH needs to step in here and either tell MIL she is being unreasonable or offer to do the cooking himself.

Either have DH do it, or speak to her. No good will come of you being the one to speak to her

Why on earth does she expect you to cook for her when she is hosting?

If your husband wants to give them another chance, he should go and cook for the family dinner party, no?

She doesnt sound great and if you genuinely think she is a narcissist then yes limit contact. But you cant really talk about her doing little for you when she looks after your toddler one day a week - thats a lot more work and far more helpful than her dropping off a meal to you.

Why did she ask you and not your husband? Why can’t she do it herself? It is a totally outrageous request.

I think your MIL is being unreasonable. She should order cooked food, she can't host and then expect others to cook for her.

YANBU at all to decline to cook for her and her guests. Fuck her, frankly.

And if your husband doesn't 100% back you in this AND tell his mother off for even suggesting such a thing, fuck him, too. He shouldn't be leaving you to deal with her entitlement. Tell him to deal with her. Or cook for her himself. But deal.

Definitely not unreasonable. You’re four months postpartum after a third C-section, with three children to care for, and you’re not obliged to cook for someone else’s dinner. It’s okay to set boundaries and protect your energy, especially when the relationship is causing you stress. I’d also discuss the childcare situation with your DH and look at other options so you’re not left feeling you have to tolerate everything because you need their help.