AIBU at lack of thought from my family about my birthday and other events?

[LackOfThought]

I feel childish writing this, but I am feeling upset about my birthday the other day because, as per usual,. it flew by with a total lack of thought.

One DC (late teens) got me a card and the other adult one didn't. My DH bought me a small bunch of Tesco flowers. I don't know why I am upset, because it is the same thing every year/ Christmas/ Valentine and Anniversary.

One of the reasons why he doesn't get me anything is because "he wouldn't know what to get me". So, after 32 years together, you haven't listened or heard me. I like chocolates, meals out, wine, tequila, spa treatments, mani pedis, clothes, hair stuff, accessories, books, the cinema, theatre, concerts, I play tennis, yoga, pilates and go the gym. That is quite a lot to go on don't you think?

It's funny how other people I know (friends and a new friend) don't seem to have a problem asking me to go for a birthday lunch, and/or buying me a small thoughtful gift that I will use, but my own family can't think of anything.

I am the person (mug) who does all the extended family/ in-law, DC, DH presents shopping and thoughtful gift selection, the logistics of Christmas and Easter for in-laws and family. No one goes without. Massive thought is put into it. My DH doesn't have a problem when it comes to his own family and their birthdays etc. although it is usually outsourced to me to facilitate after he has come up with the idea.

Finally, we did go out on my birthday. I did think to myself, oh this is a nice treat (a gig of a band I quite like) but when I got there it was actually a night out of my DH's friends from work (all male who I don't know) and he spent all night talking to them and then berating me for being in a funny mood and not talking to them much. TBH I wasn't that impressed when I got there and saw that it was a group night out with people I don't know and they spent the whole gig drinking with their phones out recording in front of my face. It was more a case of the gig was on the night of my birthday and my DH wanted to go, so took me along, not a birthday treat.

Anyway, I have decided that from now on I am just not going to bother getting upset over these special occasions and just go celebrate them with my lovely thoughtful friends and leave my DH and DS's to it. If I have no expectations then I can't feel hurt. I am not doing Christmas now. I'll get my DC presents but I am just going to tell my DH not to bother (not that he will) and I won't get him anything back. My extended family - dad, brothers didn't bother getting me anything either. My dad has 3 DC, and 3 step DC and inturn 10 DGC/StepDGC and he says it is too expensive to buy presents, even though I am his only DD. P.s. dad, a box of Milk Tray from Aldi is about £2.

I know that sounds passive aggressive or defeatist but I am just fed up of the lack of thought that comes my way. When I was a kid my mum died and I would do anything to have her back and take her out and treat her, They don't understand how much a mum/ wife does for them and how important they are in your life till you lose them.

AIBU to be upset or do I need to just grow up?

This honestly made me cry. I’m so sorry OP that you lost your lovely Mum so very young. It’s my first Christmas without mine and I’m already sad. My only suggestion would be to call a family meeting and have a frank and serious discussion about how you feel. We have a Christmas gift budget for myself, DDs and Dsis - we buy each other a £20 gift & £10 stocking items. My DDs are teen students so I give them the money. We have pretty strict rules - the present cannot be ‘generic’. It has to be thoughtful, meaningful and explained …and something the recipient actually wants.

A Christmas a la Nessa from Gavin and Stacey for them this year. Would they prefer one from a box of Celebrations each, or taps?

Its called being taken completely for granted.
Id be livid getting bloodt Tesco flowers. Has he never heard of florists?
I find 100% downing tools works very well. No cooking, cleaning, washing or sex.
Then stick on the fridge things id like for .y birthday. Topping the list in capitals:
PEOPLE MAKING AN EFFORT.
I can be a complete bitch if people I love do this to me.

Please also stop buying birthday and Christmas presents for your DH and sons. They are adults now and should have learned about thoughtful reciprocation by now from your example.

Is the proactive directed at OP or her husband / children?!

It's always up to the woman to do more, according to some people.

When he tries to hand you his family Christmas present list, you don't take it. Say and what are you getting me?
When you get the inevitable shrug, I don't know, you reply well you can think about it when you are buying this lot. I am not doing your shopping when you make no effort for me.

If you can't bear to not get your DSs anything then give them a selection box.
And buy yourself something fabulous.
As your father & brothers don't bother with presents then neither should you.
Stop accepting being treated so badly. Start loving yourself.

Quite! It must lovely being male, with women dancing around to your whims and being “proactive”

I always struggle with these posts because dh and I will talk about our birthdays in the lead up and discuss what gifts we want or if we are doing something. Is there no communication at all in the weeks before your birthday. ? We also agreed a rough amount/card /cake etc years ago and have stuck to the same. So what he does for me I do for him and vice versa.
It’s really sad that you feel the way you do . I hope you find a way to be happy inspite of your families thoughtlessness.

I know this is quite harsh but I have limited sympathy. Yes your DH is a selfish prick, but you've put up with his behaviour for a long time, which says to him that he can treat you whatever way he likes and you'll just take it. My dad treats my mother similarly and she complains about it. I think my dad's a lazy selfish moron but I also think my mother's an idiot for putting up with it - why complain if you're just going to take it, year after year? You are a nuturing person, but your DH is not. So why are you wasting your time expecting him to be something he's not?

Also, to add to the harshness, I would say that if you do things for people expecting a return then you're doing them for the wrong reason. I know it's normal to expect that if you give a gift you receive one, but if you get resentful for not receiving one then clearly you weren't giving the gift out of generosity, you were giving it as a transaction or as a way of testing or proving something. My main aim life is to become a genuinely generous person - someone who gives things with zero expectation of any return. It's an amazingly freeing way to be, because I only give when I really want to and the giving itself feels good, regardless of any return. Bizarrely, it also means that I actually get more back than I ever did, maybe because people see there are no strings? Who knows, but it is so, so much better than holding grudges, or keeping score.

A few years ago I found out my H had taken another woman out a couple of times a week for over 18 months! When it was my birthday a few weeks later I didn't get one birthday card from either DC or H, let alone a present. I can feel your disappointment/upset from your posts.

Up your game: Never have another birthday (yours or anyone else's) or significant anniversary, Christmas etc on your own at home. Go away (or leave permanently) with your friends every single time. Leave them all on their own and don't provide food, washing, cleaning before you go. If you return to a big mess have the telephone number of a cleaning company ready, or book them for the day you are coming back.

Ignore all their significant dates as well.

So, your main aim in life is to become a genuinely generous person, except to people on social media. Wait until you have spent 20 years doing daily chores for people who simply cannot see what you do, and feel like it is their due that you just shop, cook, clean, wash and iron clothes, with no returning the favour on your investment of time and effort. Then tell me your genuine generosity means a life of drugery and thinking only of others is exactly what you really deserve. I wish you luck.

Do you tell them what you want for your birthday, like a list? We do that, if no one knows what to get you they get nothing or something crap. They obviously don't have to stick to the list but it gives ideas of what you would like.

If my dh did that for my 50th I’d book a month away travelling solo and absolutely refuse him joining for so much as 30 seconds of it.

No you are not unreasonable to be upset and I like your plan moving forward. Just celebrate with your friends and have no further expectations from your family members and completely stop their gifts too so it’s reciprocal and balanced. The money you save, buy yourself a birthday gift.

Your plan is to be passively aggressive and quietly seethe whilst being jealous of your sil. Your boys follow their dad's lead but you've been together for 32 years and should have raised it sooner. There are too many women like you who say they don't want a fuss for birthdays and the like, then get crumbs and are disappointed. Why is it so hard for you to use your words and actually say to your dh that he was utterly thoughtless for your birthday and it's actually you that is upset and has every right to be? Your children sound old enough for you to have this conversation too.

If ny dh has behaved as yours did for my 50th i would have got rid or at least changed the locks and have put an end to unacceptable behaviour.

Occasions like birthdays and anniversaries are important to me and dh is well aware. I have always given my kids money to buy each other birthday gifts. I had to encourage them at the start to think about what their sibling would like rather than what they would like themselves. It's the planning, looking at presents, ordering or going to the shops, choosing and then wrapping that gets them involved in the gift giving process and understanding that actually work goes into it. It's showing them that mum and dad just don't magically get this stuff done but it takes time and effort on our part.

It’s not just about the birthday it’s about not being seen and taken for granted.
I think you need to speak to him and say some of things you’ve said on here.
Going forward I’d be far more pleasing yourself and less accommodating to them.

Be more prescriptive with him. There doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach. His lack of effort should be pointed out and you should tell him how it makes you feel.

Write a list of presents that you would like on your birthday. He may just not be good at knowing what to buy - some people aren't. Does he know how much it means to you if he made more of an effort?

No wonder you are upset, your post made me really sad for you, but you need to use it as the catalyst for change, I would tell your family that as birthdays clearly aren’t important to them you have got the message and will no longer be be buying birthday gifts for anyone. Christmas coming, tell your DH that his family are his responsibility, you are not arranging gifts for them from now on. I would also be very tempted to get your kids a voucher each, a token gift with very little thought but you bought them something. You will need courage to actually do this but if you don’t do something now you will be accepting their appalling behaviour.

i did this. I thought it would make my H realise how much his lack of effort hurt, when my words had failed to. But it didn’t. He was just angry at me. We haven’t bought each other a present in 13 years now. And he has never, ever organized the kids to get me anything( eldest is a teen) for Mother’s Day. I organise all events for everyone and he never recognizes this, let alone thanks me. A marriage can’t survive lack of gratitude or recognition and mine hasn’t.

I organise my own birthday and Christmas and Mother’s Day ‘treats’ but it doesn’t take away the pain, hurt or loneliness. There really isn’t a way to ‘win’ here. I dread my birthday for months before and I am relieved to put it behind me though it takes a while for the pain to fade. The kids will do something nice for me, as I taught them to, and I want them to treat their wives better than I was treated by their Father.

So good luck OP, but don’t rely on ‘not expecting anything’ to take away the hurt.

Are you still with him?