AIBU at lack of thought from my family about my birthday and other events?

[LackOfThought]

I feel childish writing this, but I am feeling upset about my birthday the other day because, as per usual,. it flew by with a total lack of thought.

One DC (late teens) got me a card and the other adult one didn't. My DH bought me a small bunch of Tesco flowers. I don't know why I am upset, because it is the same thing every year/ Christmas/ Valentine and Anniversary.

One of the reasons why he doesn't get me anything is because "he wouldn't know what to get me". So, after 32 years together, you haven't listened or heard me. I like chocolates, meals out, wine, tequila, spa treatments, mani pedis, clothes, hair stuff, accessories, books, the cinema, theatre, concerts, I play tennis, yoga, pilates and go the gym. That is quite a lot to go on don't you think?

It's funny how other people I know (friends and a new friend) don't seem to have a problem asking me to go for a birthday lunch, and/or buying me a small thoughtful gift that I will use, but my own family can't think of anything.

I am the person (mug) who does all the extended family/ in-law, DC, DH presents shopping and thoughtful gift selection, the logistics of Christmas and Easter for in-laws and family. No one goes without. Massive thought is put into it. My DH doesn't have a problem when it comes to his own family and their birthdays etc. although it is usually outsourced to me to facilitate after he has come up with the idea.

Finally, we did go out on my birthday. I did think to myself, oh this is a nice treat (a gig of a band I quite like) but when I got there it was actually a night out of my DH's friends from work (all male who I don't know) and he spent all night talking to them and then berating me for being in a funny mood and not talking to them much. TBH I wasn't that impressed when I got there and saw that it was a group night out with people I don't know and they spent the whole gig drinking with their phones out recording in front of my face. It was more a case of the gig was on the night of my birthday and my DH wanted to go, so took me along, not a birthday treat.

Anyway, I have decided that from now on I am just not going to bother getting upset over these special occasions and just go celebrate them with my lovely thoughtful friends and leave my DH and DS's to it. If I have no expectations then I can't feel hurt. I am not doing Christmas now. I'll get my DC presents but I am just going to tell my DH not to bother (not that he will) and I won't get him anything back. My extended family - dad, brothers didn't bother getting me anything either. My dad has 3 DC, and 3 step DC and inturn 10 DGC/StepDGC and he says it is too expensive to buy presents, even though I am his only DD. P.s. dad, a box of Milk Tray from Aldi is about £2.

I know that sounds passive aggressive or defeatist but I am just fed up of the lack of thought that comes my way. When I was a kid my mum died and I would do anything to have her back and take her out and treat her, They don't understand how much a mum/ wife does for them and how important they are in your life till you lose them.

AIBU to be upset or do I need to just grow up?

Go with it, OP. Use the time to enjoy yourself.
It will be an interesting time come Christmas to see how other people think about it. I’m sure there’ll be some upset and backlash but just point out what you’ve told us all here.

you might as well, it’s a shame, but there’s no point you making an effort if no one else does.

Sorry about your birthday OP.
And yes definitely drop the rope with Christmas etc, and don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed about it.

Thank you. I just feel really taken for granted. Also, I think I am a bit oversensitive having lost my own lovely mum and remembering how thoughtful she was. I just think mums should be cherished. You don't have to do it every day, but on Mother's Day or their Birthday.

My DH and DC have some very lovely qualities, but they are pretty thoughtless when it comes to me.

Similar situation here. I’m planning a weekend in a spa hotel for my birthday next year. I’m going to invite my bestie to join me if she’d like to (at no additional cost to herself as it’s the same price for 1 or 2 people in the room!) but no pressure, I’m happy to go alone. DH and the teenage DC can do what they like that weekend.

It is also quite annoying because my SIL (my DH's sister) gets showered with gifts by her DH. It is her birthday the week before mine and she will show off what he has bought her e.g. diamond earrings, fancy watch, clothes, new designer bag. I don't want loads spent on me, I'm not grabby, but when I see her going on about her presents it does make me think "why is she more worthy of a present than me?"

When it was her 50th she got a £300 meal out and a £100 present off us. My DH was stressing over missing her birthday as he'd get it in the neck from his mum and dad and upset her big time. On my 50th my DH was away on business and tagged on a few days sight seeing at the end and sent me lovely pictures of himself sitting on the bench in front of the Taj Mahal.

Not sure if it is relevant but my DH has a lot of spare cash as he has a very good job so it is not like he can't afford it. Once I went to his office and was absolutely astounded at the fact that next door was a shopping centre full of gorgeous shops (Monica Vidner, Neon, Oliver Bonas...you know the sort) that he had to walk through twice a day to get to the train and he still can't get me a present.

Sounds like a great idea. I do think I need to work on loving myself if no one else is going to show any care for me.

Completely understandable. Have you told your DH how you feel? I ask because my FIL always said that MIL "doesn't like birthdays" or "doesn't do presents " and DH always parroted the same. However I ignored that and got her presents, and it turns out she does like them. I think for many years she just accepted her role within a male household (DH also has a brother) was that she should just go along with this and shouldn't make a fuss/be demanding, and it occurs to me that you are in a similar position with 2 sons and a load of brothers.

Anyway DH now gets her presents too - e.g. last time we were in France he saw a lovely jumper that he thought she would like and she was absolutely thrilled with it

I agree you should drop the rope in arranging thoughtful presents for people who do not value you. What on earth are the"lovely qualities" your family has when they are so uncaring about YOU!!!
I suggest a two-pronged approach:
A minimal effort for your husband and children accompanied by an indifferent shrug if they query it;
A stonkingly fabulous present for yourself, or even more than one, beautifully wrapped to be opened and celebrated in front of them. (I really hope you have access to your own funds.)
You don't have to swallow their thoughtlessness year after year!

Dont let anyone come on here and say 'maybe your DH just isnt good at presents' or 'not everyone puts the same emphasis on gifts'

Given that he presumably has a phone and access to Google and could literally Google 'What could I buy my wife for her birthday, if she likes x y and z' and get thousands of suggestions, there is no excuse for lazy thoughtlessness any more.

Can i ask, does this extend to the rest of the relationship? Do you feel like he is interested in you as a person and loves you for who you are as an individual, or do you feel like a woman filling the role of wife he gets on with okay?

The only way men like this learn is when they get it back themselves. Next birthday mirror his effort.
And make it clear that after the pathetic lack of effort he has put in, you are doing nothing about his family’s gift buying from now on. Absolutely nothing.
As for your DC, I’d talk to them calmly about how their minimal/lack of effort has made you feel and that you expect more consideration in future.

Birthdays are a big deal in our house but i am generally part of the planning so we do stuff i like. Be more proactive.

I wouldn't even say to your husband you're not getting him anything. On the day when he starts making noises about where his gift is, just ask for yours first!

But going deeper, your husband sounds like a twat and I'd be querying whether I wanted to continue a relationship with such a thoughtless man.

Sorry that your birthday was disappointing. I’ve been there before too, and like you I’ve decided to do things with people who want to be with me, and I buy myself a present of something I really want. Just make sure that you don’t do things for people who don’t do things for you.

I don't blame you for being put out, OP, especially when a fuss is made over other family members. I would stop organising presents for others in the family, too, especially your DH family.

My DH is well meaning but crap at buying me presents, so I send him a link/links and keep reminding him to buy me my 'surprise' Christmas/birthday present. We kind of make a joke of it, but it works. Could you do that? Maybe you shouldn't have to, but at least I like what I get and I know it will fit.

I think for many years she just accepted her role within a male household (DH also has a brother) was that she should just go along with this and shouldn't make a fuss/be demanding, and it occurs to me that you are in a similar position with 2 sons and a load of brothers.

Yes, I am from a very male dominated household. Only males in my house, and me, and only dad, brothers and nephews. I only have one SIL on my side of the family.

I don't feel like they value me or see me as an individual person. If the washing, ironing, food shop, taxi service etc. isn't running smoothly they do notice that.

I feel like it would take something drastic to make them see that I am actually a person with feelings, such as I ended up in hospital or dead! I have said how disappointed I am but I was just met with eye rolls.

I am beginning to daydream a bit about what it must feel like to be cherished and spoilt a bit.

I do sort of have a milestone in my head. I don't want to upset or disrupt my family, but when my eldest went to Uni I did feel a bit well my job is done there, he is a man now and when my youngest goes next year I am sort of telling myself that I will no longer need to put up with any thoughtlessness or crap as I won't be breaking anything up as they will have all left home.

I just feel so sad today. Today is an anniversary of someone very special who died (a female relative) and I just feel sad at the thoughtlessness of the males we both had/ have to put up with.

There is another path too, OP. If your DH is thoughtless in other ways too, you could think about a brand new life without him... just saying.

You ask if you're being unreasonable and of course you're not, you know that. If your entire extended family were Jehovah Witnesses (who I understand don't celebrate birthdays) then you would be unreasonable, but in the context you describe - it's shit. Lots of us have been there to some extent.

I once read a book where the woman of the house had a Christmas planner on the kitchen wall that was a countdown to Christmas with all the tasks needed to accomplish a spectacular Christmas (for her lazy arse family) & she ticked things off & wrote comments on it so they all would think she had things well in hand. In reality she'd done nothing and buggered off just before Christmas.

I think you can either tell them all 'I'm done with this. You take over if you want anything done from now' or do nothing and let them notice nothing is happening when a big day comes around.

You know what - it is BECAUSE your SIL demands amazing gifts that she isn’t overlooked. But sometimes it’s easier when someone says “I want a diamond bracelet” than “I want a thoughtful gift showing you’ve observed who I am as a person.”

I would, in fact, simply buy everyone that £2 box of Milk Tray.

A while back I told my entire family that if they couldn’t think of anything to buy me I would ALWAYS be delighted with plants - especially unusual herbs - and seeds, because I love my garden. It made life very easy and I got some awesome presents.

So - set out your stall. Tell them you’re hurt and feel unloved because of their neglect. And then give them a list of things they could buy - or at least ideas. Men typically are not brilliant at gift buying or “ noticing” and they do need a prompt. This is often due to an entire lifetime of people sorting things out for them.

For my 50th dh arranged a long weekend in a UK city that I didn’t especially want to visit. I said nothing and feigned massive enthusiasm to encourage him. And to my amazement we had THE BEST weekend I’ve had in ages. I was so grateful and also so proud of him for arranging something that surprised me by being brilliant.

@Rightsraptor that’s hilarious! I can’t believe no one noticed at all.

OP already said that her DH has great ideas for everyone else, except her. So he knows how to do it, he just doesn’t do it for her. No one should have to ask for a present. There are no excuses for male incompetence.

I just feel really sad. I think I’m a good mum and wife, and other people tell me I am too.

Last year my DH lost a lot of weight after I literally managed all his meals and spent a lot of time and effort getting him to a healthy place. I am a very nurturing person.

I actually feel like the live in maid who goes to their room at the end of the day and is really lonely.

I’ve watched as my mum, my aunt, another close female relative, and one of my SILs, all lovely women, were just treated pretty poorly by the men around them and then died. Some of the men moved on instantly and never looked back. All treated pretty shity IMO, even after they’d died, and I’m the last one standing.

I know this sounds really dramatic but last night I was lying in bed and I thought, after my last DC goes to Uni so don’t mind if my mum, aunt, lovely SIL come and get me. At least I’d have some female company!!!!

My exh was like this op except he put it down to being skint. He was never skint for other peoples birthdays though. Or for getting himself nice things. I asked him to just not bother anymore as it hurt too much. And I stopped buying for him and his family. Mil pulled me up on it and asked why they didn’t get a Christmas gift(she never ever bought for me, only dc) and I feigned shock that dh hadn’t thought to buy gifts. She wasn’t happy it was apparently my job.

my now DH is so thoughtful. In our early years when we had no money and very young dc he would make me breakfast in bed, a bath with candles, scour charity shops for books I might like. It meant the world to me. Now nearly 30 years married and we can get each other nice gifts. He remembers little things like some earrings I saw on a trip or places I’ve mentioned in passing that I’d like to visit. We were in the Lake District when I saw a lamp I loved that I wanted for my reading room. It was too expensive. I wouldn’t buy it. He rang the shop and reserved it, took a detour on a works trip a month later. Got it cleaned up and gave it to me that Christmas. He makes me feel so loved.

You deserve better!!

He sounds like a keeper topoftheplops.

I think if my DH was to meet someone new he’d probably be really thoughtful and buy her lovely presents 😜

I’m going to tell him not to bother as it just upsets me too much. In future I'm just going to go out on my own or with a friend.

I didn't want to quote your whole post OP but this struck me:
When I was a kid my mum died and I would do anything to have her back and take her out and treat her, They don't understand how much a mum/ wife does for them and how important they are in your life till you lose them.

My mum died when I was 22, I have three adult kids who are busy, busy, busy and few adult kids have any idea what a parent does for them until they have kids of their own or until they themselves are older and have gained insight from time passing.

Like everyone else has said, don't expect others to know what you want, tell them and make it as modest/extravagant as you like and lower your expectations. Instead, look after yourself and congratulate yourself on doing that.

You're lucky to have good friends and a bestie, kids are their own people, life and work are truly manic now, enjoy them when you can and if you are generous to yourself you might feel less angry at others for not noticing you. Such is life, I think what you're suffering is sadly normal these days. Happy Birthday!