AIBU at lack of thought from my family about my birthday and other events?

[LackOfThought]

I feel childish writing this, but I am feeling upset about my birthday the other day because, as per usual,. it flew by with a total lack of thought.

One DC (late teens) got me a card and the other adult one didn't. My DH bought me a small bunch of Tesco flowers. I don't know why I am upset, because it is the same thing every year/ Christmas/ Valentine and Anniversary.

One of the reasons why he doesn't get me anything is because "he wouldn't know what to get me". So, after 32 years together, you haven't listened or heard me. I like chocolates, meals out, wine, tequila, spa treatments, mani pedis, clothes, hair stuff, accessories, books, the cinema, theatre, concerts, I play tennis, yoga, pilates and go the gym. That is quite a lot to go on don't you think?

It's funny how other people I know (friends and a new friend) don't seem to have a problem asking me to go for a birthday lunch, and/or buying me a small thoughtful gift that I will use, but my own family can't think of anything.

I am the person (mug) who does all the extended family/ in-law, DC, DH presents shopping and thoughtful gift selection, the logistics of Christmas and Easter for in-laws and family. No one goes without. Massive thought is put into it. My DH doesn't have a problem when it comes to his own family and their birthdays etc. although it is usually outsourced to me to facilitate after he has come up with the idea.

Finally, we did go out on my birthday. I did think to myself, oh this is a nice treat (a gig of a band I quite like) but when I got there it was actually a night out of my DH's friends from work (all male who I don't know) and he spent all night talking to them and then berating me for being in a funny mood and not talking to them much. TBH I wasn't that impressed when I got there and saw that it was a group night out with people I don't know and they spent the whole gig drinking with their phones out recording in front of my face. It was more a case of the gig was on the night of my birthday and my DH wanted to go, so took me along, not a birthday treat.

Anyway, I have decided that from now on I am just not going to bother getting upset over these special occasions and just go celebrate them with my lovely thoughtful friends and leave my DH and DS's to it. If I have no expectations then I can't feel hurt. I am not doing Christmas now. I'll get my DC presents but I am just going to tell my DH not to bother (not that he will) and I won't get him anything back. My extended family - dad, brothers didn't bother getting me anything either. My dad has 3 DC, and 3 step DC and inturn 10 DGC/StepDGC and he says it is too expensive to buy presents, even though I am his only DD. P.s. dad, a box of Milk Tray from Aldi is about £2.

I know that sounds passive aggressive or defeatist but I am just fed up of the lack of thought that comes my way. When I was a kid my mum died and I would do anything to have her back and take her out and treat her, They don't understand how much a mum/ wife does for them and how important they are in your life till you lose them.

AIBU to be upset or do I need to just grow up?

I second giving him a list. Look for a few things you'd like and then tell him. Maybe he finds other people easier to buy for. I've been told I'm hard to buy for - but they know I like bath oils, books and chocolates!
I had my best birthday going out with my mates last year.

As for buying for relatives that forget your birthday, I genuinely love my SIL and ( adult) nephew and niece, but I send them cards and cash (the kids) every year and they never even let me know the money has arrived safely. They could text me. I don't want to stop sending them cards and money, but they don't thank me or remember my birthday. So like you, I don't know what to do.

The more I read, the more selfish OP's DH sounds. And I feel sorry that you're seemingly resigned to it as an inevitability. Life doesn't have to be like this, you could make plans, OP.

Yeah I’d go with this approach. I’m glad you have thoughtful friends at least.

Has your DH always been like this or become a bit comfortable and complacent?

I am a very nurturing person.
As you have realised, not everyone else is. And that is okay.
It takes all sorts to make the world go round. Being nurturing is just one good quality among hundreds that people may or may not have.

I do think I need to work on loving myself if no one else is going to show any care for me.
You should work on loving yourself and caring for yourself - full stop. Not just because other people don't care. Your self-care needs to be regardless of how loving or caring anyone else is towards you.

You need to demand what you want: give out gift lists, demand to be taken out by DH, and make no bones about showing your displeasure when he does not come up to scratch. By which I mean don't do passive aggressive 'going quiet', instead show your anger out loud and use your words.

You got it right in the first three words.

They got you cards (2 out of 3) and flowers and a night out. But that wasn't enough. It's got to have the hallmark "thoughtful gift"

The fact it also extends to your own father, who has ten grandchildren is pretty low. You say milk tray is 2 quid, but I'm willing to bet youd have a gripe with that too.

I totally agree with you and to be honest i wouldnt say anything to anyone or your husband just dont buy anyone any gifts or cards anymore including your kids, i wouldnt be with someone who ignored my birthday as the expression.goes " when someone shows you how they feel listen" hes way past taking you for granted he just doesnt care

Watch Adultery on.ITV3 binge watched it last night brilliant that will make you want to leave..lifes too short

I totally understand where you are coming from and I too call myself the mug and have started changing the way I buy presents for extended family.

My husband and I don't buy each other a gift at Xmas as we would rather put that money towards a weekend city break, that's just what we prefer to do than to buy each other gifts we don't really need and my children (grown up) are extremely thoughtful and have said before to my they feel bad for me as to what effort gets put into gifts from extended family for me at Xmas and Birthdays.

I have always really made an effort for our families birthdays, got something they had mentioned through the year, something they are in too or something they would love to do, but would just never boon themselves etc and always get complimented on how nice the gifts are. But when it comes to mine, honestly the lack of effort is appalling!

FIL, last Birthday brought a bottle of prosecco over, left it on the side no mention of it and no card.

MIL, A Bottle of prosecco and a box of chocs, same at Xmas.

Our children would get £20 at Xmas and £15 at Birthdays with some chocs.

My husband this July for his birthday got 4 cans of lager and a home made cake from her neighbour, but she bought the ingredients and asked her neighbour to bake it!

So, When it was her birthday this year a bottle of Gin and a box of chocolates, I actually felt awful doing it but she has actually even re-gifted a gift set my daughter had bought her to my sons girlfriend! So I thought f**k it I am doing! And do you know what I could tell by her face she was expecting the usual bag of lovely gifts! I am just fed up of doing it and all the family get togethers we host and no one else does it, we have started going away instead.

Tell me you're a man without telling me you're a man.

OP I really feel for you reading your updates. It doesn’t sound like he cherishes you in the way a husband should and completely takes you for granted. It’s never the big, grand gestures that break the straw, it’s the little things that add up and he’s doing the least here. It’s really crap that he extended his business trip for a solo holiday when it was your big birthday, who does that?! And like you say, he has lots of shops within walking distance, I would feel like I don’t ever come into his thoughts. It’s the little gestures that count. My DH will often bring me home a can of Diet Coke on his way home from work, it’s something really small but he knows I’ll appreciate it! Similarly I’ll pick him up things he likes when I’m doing the weekly shop or pick him
up some warm socks when he was off somewhere cold on a business trip. It really is the thought that counts and I’m sorry the people around you are being so thoughtless

Did you not read Her Post she is the one who normally arranges everything for everyone

I'd only say YABU because presumably this hasn't come out of nowhere, and they've previously all been wonderful and bought you amazing presents every other year?

Unless that is the case, YWBU to have continued to keep martyring yourself putting effort in for them while getting nothing back. YA def NBU to finally stop it, though, better late than never.

I don't feel like they value me or see me as an individual person. If the washing, ironing, food shop, taxi service etc. isn't running smoothly they do notice that.

Stop doing stuff.
Just gradually reduce your input.
Your DH needs to iron his own shirts (although you should carry on starching his boxers), and it's a shame someone <cough> put red socks in with his lovely white shirts. 🤔🤫
Let them take turns to go to the supermaket and cook - or they can choose to starve if they can't be bothered.
You've had a small glass of wine, so can't drive.

Put yourself FIRST. 🎂💐

@LackOfThought Oh, and as for Christmas, let them buy and wrap all family gifts AND buy and cook all the food.
Is it too late for you to go away somewhere with a single friend?

It's possible it was in a novel so not actually true but it's a good 'un.

Oh OP! This is so shit of them.

Clutching at straws but how would a public shaming on social media go down? You could post a picture of the sad flowers, and a sarcastic status “Feeling so loved on my birthday, hubs has really outdone himself this year. Looking forward to Christmas as I’m going to step up my game and match his effort”

I wouldn't be sad. I would be very, very angry.
You say this has been going on for years. I would have gone nuclear many years ago.
I think you seriously need to ask yourself why you put up with this shit.
One card and no present from one DC is shit.
No card or present from the other DC is shit.
Your husband's minimal efforts are shit. Taking you effectively to a work do on your birthday is appalling. Absolutely rubbish.
And if I had people eye-rolling at me when I expressed how shit all this was, they would be very sorry.
No presents for your lazy kids, or your lazy husband, or your lazy family.
If I were you I'd book myself a holiday and disappear off for a week with no notice and leaving the fridge empty.

If you tolerate crap you get crap. Stop tolerating crap, OP.
Belated happy birthday. 💐 Value yourself better.

Buy yourself the most amazing present/s with ALL the money you would normally spend on everyone else. This goes for birthday and christmas. Perhaps your christmas gift should be a holiday for yourself and a friend for the whole festive season. When relatives show you how they feel about you, believe them. Let them see how easy it is to do without you for all of the nurturing you do.

I would lower your efforts op. I have a January birthday I get all their xmas tat lol.. I def dont make efforts now. Family yes. Sisters we dont do buying unless a big birthday. Its not nice as you say

let them reap what they sowed

You sound like a lovely, kind and thoughtful person who is unfortunately taken for granted. If it was me I would no longer spend time and energy sourcing thoughtful gifts for others like extended family who didn’t reciprocate. Write yourself a little wish list for birthdays and Christmas and use your time and money to get thoughtful gifts for yourself. You deserve it 💐

I’m really sorry you have such a shit family. There are no excuses for that. I really can’t comprehend how a mums birthday can go by with basically zero effort or recognition. You deserve better, do better for yourself. Your husband sounds awful and selfish. Does he put any effort into your relationship? Do you actually feel loved and cherished by him? I’d leave him if I were you. You have many years ahead of you, don’t waste another moment with this human. It sounds like you do everything for everyone else but no one gives a thought to you. Stop it. Stop marrying yourself for people who show you nothing in return. I really hope you take this as a sign that you are better than this and deserve the moon on a stick, not this shit show.

Look at everything you’ve written here. Can you say all of this to your DH? Will he listen while you tell him. Or write it down for him to read if that’s easier. I think he needs to know how he’s made you feel

If the washing, ironing, food shop, taxi service etc. isn't running smoothly they do notice that.
So stop it running. It'll make them see how much you do – and, more to the point, it'll make them think about how they could/should step up.

Do you work @LackOfThought ? Sounds like they just think of you as a housemaid. Even if you don't work outside of the home they should be appreciating you.

I'd take myself off for a week and let them sort their own shit out.

Why are you doing all the chores?