What do I do contact or let it go?

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Help - what do I do?

Changed name for this question.

I've had an on/off relationship for a few years. Mainly weekends but we go away for weekends and holidays. Live apart. Both were previously married and split with respective partners before we met.

I've also had an emotional connection online with a man since 2017. Chatted on and off over the years and like ships that pass in the night. Shared deep secrets and also trivia. He chatted about his relationships and me mine. More of a friendship/email thing. Felt a real emotional connection though.

He then contacted me and said he split from partner was feeling down etc and wanted to meet. I was in a good place with my chap and so we just chatted. Over the years these type of chatting and then nothing for months.

He contacted me in 2025 to say he really wanted to properly meet up. We had met twice at concerts briefly, whilst there, with other friends but no real meet ups. He said he was single and looking. Agreed to meet up and at last moment he cancelled due to father being ill. I left it and let it slide. He contacted and said arrange another date and to be honest I'd slipped into happy with an ocassional chat via email and Whatsapp. He said his mental health was very low but didn't wish to tell me everything since I'd never meet him then.

Fast forward to yesterday. I found out he died very early this year. Read the obituary and sadly missed by partner (the person he had apparently split from years ago) and of my goodness, shock, horror. Should have I responded to his verry low message. I feel guilty. No idea how he died but just 'sudden death'.

What the heck should I do?

AIBU

Contact his ex wife (not his last partner) to express sadness and find out why he died. I feel guilty in case it was something I could have helped with.

Or should I leave and just worry

AIBU contact him?

YABU - let it be

We had the greatest of chats and laughs and shared so much. What a waste. He wasn't very old.

Hope this makes sense?

Are lots of people in these emotional type relatioships/friendships but also married or connected to another. Fulfills a different need to a long term partner.

I feel I let him down. Should have contacted him and tried to help whilst he was low (again). He was often low. He said he stayed with his partner because he didn't want to be alone but didn't meet anyone else. I have friends who rather be in a bad relationship than alone.

I'll be honest, I'm worried it wasn't a good end. He did lie though since he said he was single for the last few years with ocassional dating which wasn't going well. Obituary said sadly missed by partner.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
With the kindest intentions , I think it best you let it go

You’re making assumptions about the cause of his death. Everything you are feeling is based on that false assumption.

Thanks.

So if I can find out the cause of his death, would that help?

Leave it. If he was in a relationship and she finds out there was even a hint of an improper relationship with you it would be devastating for her. This isn’t about you. Let the woman grieve in peace.

You are right of course. I didn't know he was in a relationship. When he was he said he wasn't happy and then that they had split up years ago - at least 4 years ago so to have continued messaging me as if single and asking to meet up is quite shocking. I genuinely thought he was single. He chatted about a few dates he had been on and how they had gone.

Leave it be. You weren't in a real woeld relationship with him and he wasn't honest with you about his own circumstances. The responsibility for whatever happened to him is not yours to bear. You can still grieve his loss and honour his memory.

He’s not what he said he was. With all respect he lied and messed you and his partner around. Even if you could have ‘saved’ him he’s now gone.

it feels a bit strange (to me) how much main character energy you seem to be giving off about this man’s death. You need to move past this and on with your own life.

Sadly OP I think you're only feeling the urge to find out what happened because you feel guilty for not making more effort, when you now believe he may have needed a friend. I think you should let it go, as you had already let the relationship drift, and so trying to find out more about what happened, is possibly going to upset the partner, and anyone else who was close to him at the time he died, and will probably leave you with more questions than answers. In fact, you may even find yourself being verbally attacked, if for example he took his own life, and the person you contact, feels that you should have made the effort to be there for him.

Thank you. He shared he was very unhappy. I feel guilt. I don't know how he died.

His partner doesn't know about me so you are correct, I should let it go.

Main character energy” refers to someone who lives as though they’re the main character of a film or a novel, usually in a way that is apparent to others.

Never heard of that term before. I don't do much social media, just a few sites.

Yes he lied to me and more importantly to his partner, he said he was single and searching. Probably looking for a leg over.

We were merely online friends who shared some things. Can still feel sad at his passing though.

I won't do anything though since others are more important.

I mean by main character energy is that you run the risk of centring yourself in the death of a stranger and making it about you, whether you could have been there, should you tell etc.

Thank you. I won't do that.

They might have been on a break they might not. His partner will still be devastated.

We lost a close family friend at a young age unexpectedly last year. It’s tragic and awful and we are still struggling.

As I’ve told my DC the person would not want you to be unhappy they would want you to be living your best life. You need to remember all the great memories and be glad they were in your life. Harder than it sounds I know.

Oh dear. For the love of whatever you believe in, please just let this go and run away from doing or typing anything.
I say that as someone who’s husband died and then found out he had an affair afterwards, when the other woman decide it would be a good idea to express her sadness on his Facebook - not knowing I had access.
Just leave it.

I would never do that.

I'm sorry you lost your husband.

I've listened to the first replies and will be doing nothing.

I agree with everyone else. The only thing to be achieved by coming forward now is that some poor woman will have her heart broken because her partner wasn’t the man she thought he was. You’d have to be a bit of a shit to knowingly do that to someone.

I feel I let him down. Should have contacted him and tried to help whilst he was low (again) Aside from the fact he could have been in an accident, or had some sort of aneurysm, or any other millions of ways in which a person could die suddenly, what could you have possibly done? You were essentially pen pals. You didn’t hold the secret to his happiness and even if he did choose to end his own life, I doubt very much that it was because some woman he’d never met had decided not to go on a date with him. You’re feeling guilt because you are crediting yourself with the power to have swept in and rescued him from feeling suicidal by your mere presence in his life. Do you see how daft that sounds? And how unnecessary your feelings of guilt are?

Look, OP, you’d met twice, and apparently never had a proper RL conversation. His unhappiness was not yours to solve.

Thank you. I intend too. Was just the initial shock of the death of someone who shared so much. Sone of which appears not true.

I agrre. He said things like he wouldn't be do unhappy if in a loving relationship. I wouldn't ever repeat this to anyone who knew him though. I guess people lie.

Thank you for all the responses.

I will let it go and won't contact anyone. Everyone is entitled to their secrets.

I won't return now since I have the answer I need.

It might help you, it might not, but your contact is definitely not going to help the person who has by far been hurt the most by the death so let it go. You didn’t even meet him, it would be very selfish of you to insert yourself into this situation. You would not have had the power to save this man even if you had met him and hopefully he is at peace now.

It's very understandable that you feel awful about this , but it's most unlikely you could have helped him. He sounds a very troubled person and he was not being truthful with you, and quite likely hoping for an affair to take his mind off things rather than a real relationship .
Really sorry to say it, but 'died suddenly' means suicide. You wouldn't find out anything else by searching, and would risk upsetting his partner. RIP your old friend.

Also bear in mind not everything printed is the truth either.. When my uncle passed unexpectedly my aunt put loving wife in the obituary which astounded the family because they had separated 5 years earlier hadn't lived together in all that time and she was in a different relationship so wasn't true at all

I think you have 3 choices.

1. Forget about it
2. Offer condolences and perhaps say you didn't realise he had been ill. See what they say. (However I think that's a bit intrusive)

Or

1. Order a copy of the death certificate.