Time to write this all down to see how it sounds.
I was watching Rhianna and Omar on BB when I suddenly realised that it looked and sounded familiar. My partner does this to me, but worse.
The blaming me for everything, and gaslighting me into believing that things didn't happen how I remember. Not letting me express my feelings without getting annoyed with me. Not letting me have an opinion. I ALWAYS watch what I say, like I'm constantly on eggshells. I get shouted and sworn at, and get the silent treatment for weeks sometimes. I've also been told that nobody will love me other than them. I'm always the one who ends the silent treatment by apologising, even when I know that I've done nothing wrong.
I'm so naive, that I thought it was all just my fault that I got treated like this, but hand on heart, I'm a good person. I've never even sworn or shouted back, or done anything bad, not once. I've only ever been good to this person in every way.
Most recently, because their birthday didn't go as they wanted because I was ill, I was sworn and shouted at down the phone and blocked.
We've been together for 6 years, not living together and no kids. It's hard for me to walk away, and I don't even know why.
My partner always comes back and sticks on the charm, and I fall for it every time, right until the vile treatment comes back.
I've been made to feel worthless and useless. I have also developed panic attacks due to the behaviour of this person, and that hasn't gone down well with them either.
This person has also been vile to some of my family members too, who have nothing to do with me now because of it.
If I leave for good, I'll basically be alone. I know that being alone is better than crying and being treated like crap, but it's so hard.
Financially this person has been a drain too, as they never take money outside on purpose. I've constantly paid for holidays, meals and days out over the six years, and never had a penny paid back.
This person is also sickly sweet to everyone at work and people think they're amazing. Why am I the only one who they treat like rubbish? I've done nothing to deserve it.
Also in the 6 years, I've been kept a secret from the mother, but had talks of marriage and kids in private.
I have been given a lot of love by this person over the years, which is what's always made me stay. However, the vile behaviour and names that I receive, are getting more frequent now.
I guess I'm posting this to vent, but also for a hand hold. I don't know how to leave, even though I know that I should.
I'm late 30s, and I guess I'm just scared to be alone. I've wasted over 6 years of my life, and I don't even have friends to keep me company. Sometimes I just wonder why I am still here. I always thought I was a strong person, but for this person I am weak.
AIBU to try and make contact?