Feeling trapped

[Tuxeokitty]

I’m having such a nightmare with my ex and I really need some advice. Part of me feels a butch for doing This and another part makes me think I should stand up for what is right.

ex has children every other weekend. To prevent him going long between visits I suggested he had a Monday night. This was quite a while ago and recently he has bought a new house with his partner 25 miles away which means he collects the children from after school club at 17:30, travels 25 miles and they have to leave to come back again at 6am. It just all seemed pointless and not in the children’s best interests.

as the holidays were approaching I asked him what the plan was and he said I put them into holiday club and pay for it both days and he will collect them after it and take them in the morning. I disagreed and said no if you have the children you have them from 9am…..

It's not very clear what the issue is? You wanted him to have them on a Monday night but want him to have them Tuesday as well?

How long is the journey? As 25 miles doesn't tell us anything.

Presumably the holiday you are speaking about is half term or Christmas so not very long?

No every other weekend and every other Monday in between but I think on his days he should pick them up at 9am.

It doesn’t make sense for me to pay for holiday club for the Monday give them their tea and then go to their dads just for the overnight stay, he just doesn’t want to pay the extra cms.

Think you need to get things legally bound by court

I understand what you are saying, he does an extra overnight so less maintenance perhaps but you are still responsible for the logistics.

The only way to gets things sorted with exes who are happy to get away with the minimum regarding money and time is to make it legally binding.

Find a brilliant family solicitor and thrash this out. He’s not going to agree because of what you think.

Yes and if you agree to it you enable him

Tell him no CMS means the whole day not just the sleep.

The kids miss him and want more time with him and I agree he needs that but it has to be for the right reasons and proper parenting with quality time. I feel awful but it has to be done.

I really want this ironed out legally but have no idea where to start.

Does he not have work on the Monday though? Are you wanting him to take holiday?

Have you asked him to take them for a day or two in the holidays?

He has told the children I am taking a night away from him.

We both work and as it his his day I believe he should find the childcare not me, not make me pay for everything and do all the hard work just for the sake of an extra overnight stay.

also, every other weekend he has said that he is picking the children up at 16:30 which I disagree with but at least he is having them for 2 nights

You posted this exact same thread very recently and got lots of great advice

I think both you and their dad are being completely unreasonable. God help these kids when you and their dad appear to be scrutinising every minute and every penny against what the other one spends. I think the pair of you need to grow the fuck up. You’re supposed to love your children more than you dislike your ex.

What’s working during term time is very clearly not working during the holidays. If you two can’t have a sensible conversation where he agrees to either take on or split childcare costs with you, then you’ll both just need to spend twice as much on legal fees and get the Court to decide what’s fair.

The kids miss him and want more time with him and I agree he needs that but it has to be for the right reasons and proper parenting with quality time. I feel awful but it has to be done This makes me quite uncomfortable. Does it really matter what his reasons are? Do you really feel that it’s the right thing to do to withhold them because you feel he needs to demonstrate his motives? It doesn’t matter if he’s driving for half an hour, or if he’s spending 90 minutes on a bus with them. They’re together. They’re in his home and they’re being part of his life. You aren’t the arbitrator of what makes an acceptable reason or of what qualifies as quality time.

I’ve told him he can have the children as many nights as he wants. He just has to collect them at 9am. It’s not hard

CMS wouldn’t be changed just for holiday dates though?

I know, this arrangement has to be during term
time and during the holidays. He doesn’t even call them to see how their day has been in the time between, nothing, no wonder they miss him!. That overnight stay only benefits him nobody else.

And I do love my children more than I hate my ex hence why I have just accepted it for so long.

I am happy to spend money on legal fees and ultimately all I want from this is for them to spend more time with their dad. Every month something crops up, he tried to change the cms claim due to travelling 25 miles to collect them but it was his choice to do so. He also tried to reduce the payments due to him living with another child who isn’t his. All I want is a healthy, consistent routine

And a healthy, consistent routine is great. Nobody could or should criticise you for that. But you’re clouding the issue massively by talking about contact having to be for the right reasons, judging proper parenting and insisting that it has to be quality time.

Look, it’s very clear that he’s shit. All I’m saying is that you should be sticking to the facts, not trying to impose emotional conditions on his time with them, because you’re doing yourself no favours and making it very easy for him to say to a Judge ‘Look what I have to deal with, how unreasonably she’s behaving’.

You need a solicitor

Ask around locally

Then once you have one you like tell him that this arrangement is too uncertain for the children and start proceedings to move forward legally so there is no confusion where anyone stands.

As you say he only wants what works for him.

And explain to the kids (there will be advice about how and age appropriate) that a defined routine is essential for everyone. And that him not you are the problem. There must be a way of telling them the truth as much as they need.

You need a solicitor who is bang on it with these men who don’t want to pay CM so will have the overnight but won’t collect from school, deal with illness etc.

You have a right to be able to work as well to provide.

You can post on local Facebook groups anonymously asking for recommendations.