How do I get into the habit of actually doing things and having a life?

[Mergi]

I was in a very controlling relationship for most my 20s. Ex wanted me at home ALL the time. It led me to literally lose the impulse to have a life beyond whatever ex had planned (wasn’t much beyond football, curry house and pub with his weird friend). I spent so many years rotting. Now ex dh is out of my life and not able to contact me. But I just have no desire. I keep telling myself to make plans with my sis/ mum/ friends. But it just never materialises. I go to the gym and walk my grandmother’s dog. That is literally it beyond work.

im much happier. But just feel stuck. I know The world is my oyster but it just doesn’t translate. I’m young. No kids. I think attractive. I have everything going for me. But stuck in a rut. I could’ve got dressed up and gone into London today or gone to the seaside. And I don’t know why. I’m so much better mentally. But I just can’t seem to actually bring anything into fruition

Small, easy things to plan - library, coffee shop, museum, exhibition, go to another place to look at something eg bus to local town to look at the cathedral, these things are fairly easily achievable when coming out of a controlling relationship. Maybe you just need to remind yourself that you can do them and no harm will come to you?

Just seen your edit, going to London or the seaside were on my list of things to write but I thought they might be too difficult to begin with.

Maybe it’s trying to run from a standing start

Warm up, gently first

Find something local next weekend

Try and perhaps book something in London like an exhibition with a time ticket. Then you can arrange to meet someone or you have to go on your own, but you’ve spent some money and you should go and you’ll enjoy it.

The advantage of booking something with the timeslot is that you have that motivation you know

I think you just need to get into it - it’s bound to be hard after everything you’ve been through

Also, don’t think of it as a habit

Just think “ I’ve booked tickets for this show in London and I’m gonna go” and don’t think any further ahead than that

Then, if you enjoy it, you can book to do something else. You don’t have to change your life in one go. Just a little steps.

I decided at the start of this year I was sick of my life passing me by especially at weekends. I started looking for things to do locally or within about an hour on public transport. I made myself go and tbh it’s changed my life.
i feel massively better about myself, the hardest part was getting the motivation. One thing that helped was realising that doing something with walking was a good way to get some exercise in and so stacking activities has been useful.
get a list together and start small.

Book things in advance
Sign up to do some volunteering or a class, something you commit to in advance.

Make a plan to do one new thing each week. Even if it is just trying a different drink or walking a different route

Start very small op! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Just book a few small things over the next month that you really look forward to. Do you need to include others to make you more accountable?

Also don’t underestimate the psychological fallout from a controlling relationship. You may want to explore it with a therapist.

You have lost your sense of yourself and adapted to not having individual wishes in order to survive. You have had your confidence undermined, And it takes a while to reverse that mindset.

I think the key to growing in confidence is keeping promises to yourself. So maybe write two things in your diary for next week such as, I will go for a walk in the park and enjoy the fresh air and the autumn leaves, and I will arrange with a friend to meet up and go to the pub/a local gig/shopping/lunch or whatever and I will enjoy catching up with her news.

Make the promise - give your mind time to think about the upsides of the plan - and then stick to the plan.

Do this consistently from now until Christmas and by the NY you will be feeling much better.

And bear in mind that so many people are in the same position, making tentative first steps after an illness, an illness, a change in life circumstances, so you are not alone, good luck 💐

I found groups best for encouraging me to leave the house. The more niche the better. In my case a writing group and a martial arts group. I was struggling to go to the gym (so boring) so now I go to these things to catch up with friends and because I'm motivated to get to the next belt colour or hear my writing buddies' stories.

Look on meet-up for local groups. Book clubs are good, running groups, craft classes. A friend has just started going to a dancing club and is hooked. Try lots of things!!