To not let my 15 yo drink alcohol?

[Discogirl23]

Parenting teens is an absolute minefield. DD2 is 15 and going to house parties where everyone is drinking (alcohol provided by parents). I have an older DD who I bought alcohol for at almost 17 when she was going to parties but AIBU to think 15 is too young? For context she is a Jan baby so all her friends are already 16. I almost feel like I could buy her a few alcopops at 16 but feel now is too young. She came home last night from a party having had a drink and I explained that there were consequences for breaking trust as she knows we don’t want her drinking. However she was also very articulate about how left out she feels when she’s the only one not drinking which I totally understand. I’m so torn between just giving in and buying some mixed drinks that aren’t too strong and trusting her to be sensible or doubling down until she is 16 because I feel 15 is too young for this. DS is only 21 months younger than her so I’m also conscious of the precedent I might set if I give in at this stage.
Help!

Given your attitude, I don’t imagine they’d tell you if they did! Some very sanctimonious attitudes here that I don’t think reflect majority attitudes in real life that are more relaxed.

I let my DD15 have alcohol on occasion… it’s not a big deal. When she does, she has a drink, or maybe two. I even let her when on holiday in Greece (they don’t seem to care out there, but sure I’ll be torn off a strip for that!) She goes to parties at friends… she hasn’t yet come back worse the wear for drink, but I know there’s alcohol present at some of them. Drinking for her is something that’s done occasionally and in moderation, which is how it should be.

She may yet go off the rails, but I think she’s less likely to do so than if we’d been hardline, banning her from drinking, forbidding her from attending friends’ parties, and (god forbid) having words with any of her 15 year old friend’s parents who permitted any alcohol at parties! That’s just asking for rebellion!

And as for this supposed “drinking culture”, it doesn’t exist in today’s teenagers to anything like the extent it did was I was their age in the 1990s!

My kids are over-sharers so I'm pretty sure I'd know. And while I won't participate in facilitating under age drinking, I'm hardly draconian on every issue.

I admit that perhaps I've been lucky (so far, I've still got two to go!). DS1 has always been very fitness obsessed and DS2 focused on his study and extra learning. Neither of which came from me 😅

I'm not saying it's easy to say no, but parents are well within their rights to. And - surprisingly - some people just aren't into alcohol. You could shower them in gifts of booze and they still wouldn't be interested. It's not a given 🤷‍♀️

I have seen young (and older) people go in all kinds of directions with alcohol.

Personally I would never buy alcohol for other children for a party on my turf, for kids younger than 18. Sure, they will bring it to sleepovers etc but it’s not my decision to make for the other kids.

DC2 gets one bottle of something medium-strong if they are going out to someone else’s party, probably 3-4 units. Mainly because it is the only thing they like the taste of.

They were definitely experimenting before any adult had provided alcohol directly to them…

DC1 gets nothing as they never ask and actively dislike alcohol and its effects.

I personally don’t think kids need “training” in alcohol before uni, and think those who go wildly off the rails are probably rebelling against more than a teenage alcohol prohibition. The ones I know that went crazy at uni, to the point of endangering life, all had something else going on - t1 diabetes; generally strict religious cultish upbringing; serious family problems in the background.

I started drinking at 14/15 and really regret it especially now I know more about the developing brain. My 18 yo is 'straight-edge' and doesn't drink/vape/do weed. About 30% of the kids his age are the same and have never tried alcohol so he doesn't have a ton of pressure. I made a rule no alcohol at all until 18. Your daughter will do what she wants but you don't have to make it easier for her.

I don't understand these posts. In the US it is 21 to drink though kids do. What kind of parent gives their kids alcohol at 15?

If your teen's argument for doing something is that she feels left out because everyone else is doing it, she's not ready to be mixing with the group she's hanging out with. There's a big difference between articulate and mature.

Parents who supply booze for teen parties need to take a long, hard look at themselves.

That particular post was a reductio ad absurdum.

It's a criminal offence and if anything happens to the child ie choke on vomit and dies you're in deep shit.
A case local to my area,guy bought kids cider from the shop the above happened he got jailed.

Find it so bizarre how many are willing to stop parenting and allow drinking below legal age. Why not share the drugs out aswell...our teens would never have even asked. See to many groups drinking in the streets etc nope no way would I be encouraging going to parties with drinks involved and whatever else

If she's already at parties where drinking is happening, and you said she's already had a drink at the last party, I'd give her a couple of low alcohol cans.

If she's doing it anyway, better that you know she's at least got a lower alcohol drink with her and isn't going to be offered a mix of everyone elses. Else you need to speak to the parent hosting, and tell them your daughter isn't allowed any alcohol, or just not let her go.

These “step in and parent” posts are no doubt from parents of toddlers or compliant homebody type teens.

It’s really tricky. Of course most normal parents don’t want their teens to drink. But if their child’s circle does and your teen is a party girl/ boy it’s really not easy to deal with.

You can upset / isolate them by going authoritarian and grounding etc . This will damage your relationship and make them sneaky and they will likely lie to you and theyn live their life very separate to you. Also they are less likely to contact you if they do need help. Also how exactly will you stop them if you’re not there? The best way is to stay in their corner and help them navigate this stage safely.

Absolutely not. No 15-year-old is mature. She is at risk for being assaulted or an accident. Addiction is already bad enough

So you ban her entirely from parties with her friends? Good luck. She’s going to really love you for that.

I think if you provide what you want her to have it alleviates the problem of well what the heck is drinking from others. Get a limited amount and help her control her consumption. It’s only a few months away clearly she wants to do it. I don’t think it’s peer pressure, I think it’s just growing up. Also if she goes to parties and you don’t know if she is drinking then it’s like a loose cannon. Let her know you will be sending a couple of texts through the night to check in that she is ok. I used to do that for reassurance and to know mine were ok. It’s just such a worrying time but we have to help them grow.

This is what I don’t understand, one pp said it’s illegal to buy under 18’s alcohol, then another pp says no it’s not you can give a child alcohol with permission in a private setting.

Is it a case of you can give your own child alcohol in your own home legally, but if you let other kids who aren’t yours have any it’s illegal? Not that I’m planning on hosting a teen party and providing alcohol, but am genuinely curious about the law on this, have to admit I assumed these days it was illegal to provide alcohol for under 18’s, you’re not even allowed to buy under 16’s energy drinks so thought rules on alcohol would be even stricter

15 is way too young for alcohol.

I agree with arguments saying we should not make alcohol seem exciting / exclusive and should introduce teens to it gradually, but that really applies to 17 yr olds, not 15 yr olds.

Im sure most 17 yr olds try to get into a pub while a little under age, but 15 is still very much a child, even if they dont think so.

I remember going on a day visit to a university from high school, when we were picking courses etc. I had recently turned 17.

The students touring us around took us into one of the union bars afterwards and - despite us being in school uniform - asked what we wanted.

Several people ordered alcoholic drinks but I was quite naive (had never drunk alcohol before) and didn't even to know what to ask for - and I wouldnt have liked it, even if I did.

So I just panicked and just said I didnt feel well to get out of having something to drink. 😂 It was really obvious and cringe worthy and then I got slaughtered from school friends for pretending to be ill. 😩

OP, this is hugely difficult. My DD is 14 and thinks drinking is for losers currently but some of her peer group are drunk in parks on vodka and some of her friends are suggesting everyone else is drinking. I have kept in contact with some of her friend's parents to check we are on the same page, and so far we are. One of the mums offered them some alcohol free cider before a festival, which I thought was genius.

I don't think I would be providing alcohol before 16 if she did want it, but almost telling teens not to something is often counterproductive so I think you want to go easy on the rules/punishment. You'll just get lies and I wouldn't want that to stop her ringing me if she or her friends get into trouble drinking and need help. That's my focus. Keeping her safe.

I can't be bothered to keep score or teach her some kind of life lesson. I suspect vomit/hangover will do that at some point. I want her to make good decisions but equally I'm not happy about sending her with alcohol because that could end up being drunk by someone's kid who would have no clue it had even happened. It could end badly and it would be my fault. I've been very grateful when other mums have messaged to say there was some noise about booze at an event and to check our stance.

I certainly wasn't tee total as a teen but I don't think I was drinking at 15. My parents were big drinkers so I could have wine at home with them if I wanted so maybe I wasn't bothered until sixth form when my parents knew I was going to the pub, which was considered pretty normal then. Times have definitely changed on that score. If they had been really strict I would have been off to a friend's house for the night I am sure, and obviously to the pub from there.

I'm a very relaxed parent in lots of ways, but I don't support underage drinking. We categorically know it effects teen brain development. I do not understand why any parent to providing alcohol to teens.

Of course 15 is too young. Adults knowing giving harmful substances to children are neglectful and shit parents.