To not let my 15 yo drink alcohol?

[Discogirl23]

Parenting teens is an absolute minefield. DD2 is 15 and going to house parties where everyone is drinking (alcohol provided by parents). I have an older DD who I bought alcohol for at almost 17 when she was going to parties but AIBU to think 15 is too young? For context she is a Jan baby so all her friends are already 16. I almost feel like I could buy her a few alcopops at 16 but feel now is too young. She came home last night from a party having had a drink and I explained that there were consequences for breaking trust as she knows we don’t want her drinking. However she was also very articulate about how left out she feels when she’s the only one not drinking which I totally understand. I’m so torn between just giving in and buying some mixed drinks that aren’t too strong and trusting her to be sensible or doubling down until she is 16 because I feel 15 is too young for this. DS is only 21 months younger than her so I’m also conscious of the precedent I might set if I give in at this stage.
Help!

Are you in Scotland? Because in England, being born in January puts you in the older half of the year. Not that turning 16 is some magical moment that suddenly makes you responsible with alcohol.

Glad you have said this. I am shocked at parents buying booze for their kids. I kniw the old 'in Italy they drink at home' thing but they mean a small glass of wine, with parents at the dinner table. Not a bottle of Vodka at some random party.
I grew up with a drunk and ended up one myself from 13 to 23, sober many years now but sad that parents don't think this is all abnormal.

My parents always encouraged us to try sip of their wine and i would have a couple of cans of lemonade shandy on the weekend from about the age if 10. Once got to 16 my Dad started buying me Smirnoff ice. I get why you don't want her to drink but kids will be kids and if 'everyone else' is doing it, it's a culture that is hard to ignore. Maybe just slowly introduce some of the lighter stuff just a couple with dinner on the weekend.

Christ. This is why we as a nation have such a problem with alcohol. Smirnoff Ice FFS.

We are not big drinkers in our house, at home we may have a drink with our meal on special occasions and I like a drink when I'm out out. I feel like thats normal for a lot of people?
I have however bought both of mine alcopops etc when they have gone to parties if they've asked.
I never wanted them to become secretive. I don't want them to arrange to sleep out after these parties. I want them to feel like they can come home, I want them to know they can ring me if they feel uncomfortable and I won't be cross if they've had a drink.
Tbh, I just do what my mum did with us. None of us are drinkers. No big deal made of anything, just a reminder to ring home if needed and they'd be there in a heartbeat.

My DD is 14 and there is alcohol at house parties she goes to, with parents present and encouraging it! I'm not naive enough to think they should wait till 18 but 14 is irresponsible, imo.

Luckily she has said no so far and tells me all about it but I am wondering what to do about it tbh. Strangely my 17 and 18 year old are not interested in it at all.

My son has been going to parties since age of 14 with alcohol being there (but obviously controlled by the parents there). I admit i was terrified and felt he shouldn’t be drinking at that age but peer pressure for parents is also real. Ive had open conversations with him about this and the consequences of getting too drunk (sickness, being made a laughing stock, friends videoing him and being put on social media/unable to forget about it etc). In his case, hes now 18 and barely drinks. Ive always collected him from parties and hes the sensible one whilst his friends are all pissed. Long may it continue 🙏

If you don’t give it to her someone else will

I was brought up to have wine at dinner from 12 and then some beer on holiday at 14. My ex came from a completely tee total household. Guess which one of us became alcohol dependent?
My point is, whether you end up with an addictive personality is largely due to genetics and trauma. There will be some of those kids at the parties who will develop an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, but it won’t have anything to do with if their parents bought them a Bacardi breezer.

My DS is the same age and they have a few beers at parties. I know he tried spirits at a party, once, got very ill and called us to pick him up. We were able to have an open dialogue about how drinking spirits at his age is stupid and he agreed as it ruined his night. I would have been concerned what would have happened if he didn't feel like he could call us in that situation, for fear of getting in trouble.

People's views are always going to be different on this. But teenagers are going to test boundaries. I'm sure there are plenty of friends in his wider group whose parents don't know they drink, but they do.

I don't feel like I'm encouraging him drinking, but I am giving him a bit of room to explore with a safety net. I always know where he is and who he's with and the parents are in pretty frequent contact.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090918181458.htm

There is evidence to suggest that early drinking can affect gene expression that may lead to alcohol dependency.
I do also wonder if they are missing the fact that kids exposed to alcohol at a very young age are more likely to drink because of their environmental factors in the first place.
That said, the article is about gene expression not just genetics so it can apply to anyone.

I was completely relaxed about alcohol and just kept an open dialogue. I hoped it took the mystery out of drinking and it seemed to work. Both my DCs would only have an occasional can of cider with friends from about 16 and there was no big binge. I've also been very relaxed about their friends drinking at my home (from about 16yrs) but never offered to buy it. It was sort of a non issue and there was never any drama around it.

I never bought my son alcohol but he managed perfectly well to get hold of it himself. He actually got served in a restaurant and a pub at 15 without showing ID. And those fake IDs are easy to get hold of anyway.

WTF does that mean? I never had problem with alcohol, rarely drank to excess and am now teetotal by choice. I think if parents allow children of a certain age (not too young obviously) to drink in moderation they will have much better relationship with alcohol when grown up.

You can refuse to buy it for her, refuse to allow it in the house.

But you can't really stop her from going to any teenage parties in case there's alcohol there.

You can tell her how much you disapprove of drink.

I think if her friends parents are already supplying it she will be drinking to an extent at these people's homes.

I’m simply a mum trying to navigate a really tricky time the best way I can. I’m sorry you’ve had issues with alcohol as I know how hard that can be but don’t be dramatically suggesting that I’m trying to buy my daughter vodka or somehow entice her into a dangerous lifestyle because it’s just not true.

That wasn't aimed at you. I totally understand what you are trying to do. I have teenage daughter's myself. I just think that many parents don't think they have the authority to say no and set a boundary. There is no foolproof way if doing this but it is also ok to have rules consistent with your values. If you feel like she needs a gradual introduction to alcohol in a safe and managed way, supported by you then that is your right. I apologise if I came off rude.

My DD is 15. I felt the same as you regarding house parties. I’ve allowed her 1 or 2 cans of Smirnoff ice and she takes mocktails in cans. I don’t think she even likes it but feels like she’s joining in. We’ve taken the mystery away from alcohol, she takes it or leaves it now. We went to an all inclusive last week and offered to get her one drink of an evening, she never bothered all week.

Why is it hard? I didn't drink as a teenager. One of my daughters will take a drink, the other says no.
Sometimes I drink when I am out, sometimes can't be arsed and I say no. It's not difficult .
Why the obsession with drinking?
Would it be the same response to having drugs or fags pushed on you?

My dd is 15 and we are away at the moment too - l gave her the smallest glass of prosecco earlier, she took a tiny sip and said nah don't like it and had a sip of my dh's beer which she also didn't like. I know at some point in the future she will want alcohol and would rather take the mystery away. We are not big drinkers really but would rather her try it with us than behind our backs

I have a just turned 15 (last week) year old and lots from her year group )who have all been turning 15 since Feb) have been going to parties where parents have bought varying amounts of alcohol. My daughter hasn't been to many of the gatherings but when she has, I have refused to buy alcohol. 14/15 is far too young in my eyes and sometimes I think to parents are treating their kids like 17/18 year olds. I'm not naive to think mine will never do it but I think if I allowed it, she would drink more. Part of the fun of doing these things was the sneaking around I think 🤔 parents are buying bottles of vodka and huge buzzballs for their kids - it blows my mind. Quite a few of the 'party' houses have ended up destroyed with people being sick everywhere. I just do not get why parents would want this 🤯

Oh year 11 parties, we are there as well! At the moment I’m fairly relaxed, there does seem to be some alcohol at these parties and so far DS hasn’t come home really seeming like he’s had a drink nor has he asked to buy any, so I suppose at the moment I’m just crossing my fingers and riding my luck (like a lot of my parenting it seems!) DS also isn’t 16 until just after GCSEs, but it just so happens that a lot of his friends will be 16 by Christmas. I suspect post exams and prom is when it may become more of a challenge.

I have been astounded that parents buy and serve alcohol at parties without asking the parents of the other kids. DD 15 is not allowed to drink. Thankfully she’s seen some vomiting and embarrassing teens and it’s put her off. She is also very health conscious and that helps. Plus some of her friends drink and some don’t so she isn’t the odd one out.
We occasionally allow a small glass of wine on a special occasion but only when she is with us.
It isn’t just the underage drinking it’s how vulnerable this makes them potentially. I wouldn’t dream of giving alcohol to someone else’s underage teen.

It is illegal to buy alcohol for someone under 18.

None of my kids as 15yo's went to parties where the parents were providing alcohol. I'm very surprised this is the norm for so many. I'd be either saying no to attending, or having a word with the parents if I knew them.

I've actually never bought alcohol for my kids either, and two are adults (23 and 21). I just don't see the need, if they want it they can purchase it themselves. Neither drink at all really, maybe a couple of beers a few times a year.

And as for building up their tolerance in preparation for university 😯 good grief.