To not let my 15 yo drink alcohol?

[Discogirl23]

Parenting teens is an absolute minefield. DD2 is 15 and going to house parties where everyone is drinking (alcohol provided by parents). I have an older DD who I bought alcohol for at almost 17 when she was going to parties but AIBU to think 15 is too young? For context she is a Jan baby so all her friends are already 16. I almost feel like I could buy her a few alcopops at 16 but feel now is too young. She came home last night from a party having had a drink and I explained that there were consequences for breaking trust as she knows we don’t want her drinking. However she was also very articulate about how left out she feels when she’s the only one not drinking which I totally understand. I’m so torn between just giving in and buying some mixed drinks that aren’t too strong and trusting her to be sensible or doubling down until she is 16 because I feel 15 is too young for this. DS is only 21 months younger than her so I’m also conscious of the precedent I might set if I give in at this stage.
Help!

I would be the same as you OP. I’m have a DS who is 16 in January too. However he says he hates the taste of alcohol (from when he has had a sip of ours) and does not want to drink. He hears about these parties and wants no part in them. His sport is very important to him and I think that’s factor. So it’s not a battle I have faced yet, luckily, but I do think there is absolutely no need for them to be drinking at 15 and I’d be sticking to my guns.

You can tell teenagers not to do all sorts of things, but sometimes they do them anyway. 😉

Buy her some mixed low alcohol drinks, keep an eye on her, keep the lines of communication going. It’s more about how mature she is than an arbitrary cut off. Accept she probably will have one night where she gets quite or very drink..and it’s better she feels able to talk to you about it. Teens are a nightmare.

It's a tricky one but I think I'd decide to either allow her to go to the party with very low alcohol premixed drinks, or wouldn't allow her to go at all.

Going to a party where alcohol is allowed by the parents of the organisers, and where all her friends are drinking puts her in a really tricky spot. I think it's a big ask to expect a 15 year old not to bow under peer pressure and accept a drink under those circumstances, which sets her up for failure (not to mention the possibility of her drinking far stronger stuff than you could have sent her with herself).

Go for it! Maybe get her a bottle of vodka in her Christmas stocking, or slip some gin in her water bottle for school.
I just don’t get why people think it’s OK with giving children alcohol. Apart from the issue of it being illegal, teens are volatile enough without adding alcohol to the mix - having witnessed a couple of parties my DDs went to where there were teens vomiting outside, girls hysterically crying, boys becoming aggressive it’s a big no from me.
It’s illegal for teens to buy cigarettes, do we buy them for our kids? What about a bit of weed, or a line of coke?

I think you are putting her in a difficult position. Lots of teens will drink whatever you say to them, it's about peer pressure and wanting to fit in. Either let her go and accept she may drink alcohol, or don't let her go.

The problem is that parents are facilitating it because they have FOMO on behalf of their kids. Round here this has fed down into younger age groups of 13/14 have parents buying alcohol for parties so their kids don’t miss out. There’s plenty of time for this though and part of our job in parenting is to say no.

She’s going to feel left out if everyone else is allowed a drink. She’s already said she’s had a drink before, but if I was allowing her to go to parties where alcohol was involved, I’d probably supply her with my own drinks.

I was drinking at 15 in fields and parks with Glen’s vodka because my mum would never have allowed me to drink, so I just did it on the sly anyway.

I honestly think, given she’s nearly 16, I’d be more inclined to get her a couple of WKD bottles or something similar rather than have her feeling pressured or potentially accepting drinks from other people.

You’re allowing her to go to these parties where everyone else is drinking and alcohol is being provided, so wouldn’t you rather know what she’s drinking and that she’s safe? Teenagers can be arseholes, and you don’t know what people might be saying or laughing about if she’s the only one who isn’t allowed a drink. The peer pressure at that age is hard enough without feeling like the odd one out.

If you really don’t want her drinking, then I think it’s fair enough to say she can’t go to parties where alcohol is involved. I just don’t think it’s fair to let her go into that situation and expect her not to feel pressured when everyone else is drinking.

Ultimately, you know your own child, but I’d rather know she was safe and felt comfortable coming to me than have her sneaking around or feeling like she has to do things just to fit in.

It’s a no from me, I wouldn’t buy alcohol for my teens. But they don’t go to this sort of party either - plenty of time for that when they are older

It’s more nuanced than the authoritarian “not allowing” her which she could get round anyway. You need to help her navigate this tricky stage. All most teens want to do is fit in with their peers. Work out a way between you for her to do this. Blossom hill wine is v low alcohol.

How do you know she'd had a drink at the party last night? If you asked her and she said yes then YABU to punish her for that as you're encouraging her to lie to you. If it was obvious (i.e. she'd had so much that she was noticeably drunk) then that's a bit different.

I think it's fine not to buy her alcohol, but it's not ok to let her go to a party with alcohol provided and expect her to completely abstain when her friends are drinking. Even adults would find that hard!

It’s a no from me too. She may be articulate but she’s not mature if she’s bowing to pressure to drink. She needs to be taught that she can say no, why she should be saying no and learning to enjoy herself without adding alcohol to the mix. Kids don’t have the years of experience to get themselves out of difficult situations and when you add alcohol to that, young girls are then potentially put in harms way.

The truth is that, as you have said, she’s possibly going to continue to take alcohol from others. Make sure she knows never to accept drinks from anyone but her closest friends. It’s a difficult situation with younger teens.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer for this. I love in a city that has a lot of students, Freshers week is a bit of an eye-opener and you can tell which students are going wild as they've never drank before or had much freedom. Ive helped many young people get home safely because they've put themselves at risk.

Personally, I think I'd be fine allowing my DD to have some alchopops when she is around 15 but id probs let her drink a bit with me first -I'd like to reach her to drink responsibilily. Drugs would be my bigger concern at 15 onwards rather than a bit of alcohol

It’s not illegal in the UK for kids (once over 5yo surprisingly!) for kids to drink alcohol in a private place with permission. So if the OP bought her some alcohol, and the parents where the party was being held were happy (sounds like the are happy if they are buying alcohol for said party), then it is not illegal for a minor to drink.

My son was a summer baby and didn't turn 16 until during the exam period. He used to go to parties and I didn't tell him not to drink alcohol there, I didn't really overthink it to be honest as it reflected my own experience. I think I maybe bought him some alcohol once or twice, but there was excess alcohol there anyway so he would still have been drinking.
If I had told him not to drink I wouldn't have known because he would often stay overnight and I wouldn't see him until the next afternoon. But I prefer to have an open conversation about this type of thing than have my children trying to hide things and then feel they can't call me if they need to or they can't tell me stuff that's happened. I wouldn't have stopped him going to the parties because it is a big part of year 11.

@Discogirl23 I have noticed a big shift in alcohol consumption among teens (there are studies to confirm this so not completely anecdotial): When I was 16, 30 years ago, the norm was that drinking, even if not permitted by parents, was something you did every week-end from 15/16 years of age. I started a bit earlier since I had an older boyfriend. Whereas now teens seem to gather up without drinking, especially middle class teens. My DS1 16 sometimes goes out late with friends eating a meal or just having a mocktail at a bar. Of his friends there is only one who orders alcohol. His other friends are health conscious (one an athlete) or just don't like alcohol. He also knows that we would not be OK with him having alcohol before 18 years old. If he did there would be consequences.

I'm quite appalled at how many parents are relaxed about this. For me it's not just the alcohol and the damage to the body per se but also what happens when you are intoxicated; increased risk for putting yourself in harms way.

It’s a hard no from me, I can understand all the arguments around peer pressure etc, but the drinking culture in UK is awful, damaging and some people don’t get out alive. Research shows the earlier you start drinking, the heavier a drinker you become. I grew up in the 90s when this was normalised and it’s one of my clear parenting red lines, not to encourage under age drinking. There is genuinely no need; give it a few short years and they can do what they want. Of course children will do what they’re going to do anyway but I just dont think you should be encouraging it by condoning. I’m not preaching, I understand it’s hard but the fact you’ve asked for opinions makes me think you can take on board various arguments.

My oldest never really drank as a mid teen and even now at 19 doesn’t drink much. Youngest is 15 and I really worry about her - has adhd and dad has addiction issues so very high risk. I don’t buy her anything but I know she has been to parties and had some.

You need to point out the dangers of too much alcohol, spiked drinks, peer pressure and consent because if you think you can totally stop her if she wants to you are unfortunately wrong.

The Roman’s had concern about the Brit attitude to alcohol and it’s not changing anytime soon.

We became the house where parties were held, partly because both DH and I grew up in households where friends were not allowed and also because we were in the next room and could keep an eye on things.

I agree with @Hayley1256 on the students who are sheltered turning up at University. I remember a very bad incident, he was ultimately ok thankfully involving a lad who had been home schooled.

A lot of people will be along shortly to tell you its normal and better to buy it for her than have her buy spirits etc but I agree with you OP.

Part of the reason we have such a problem with alcohol consumption in this country is the way it’s normalised and borderline encouraged by parents. I hate the way heavy drinking is presented as a “rite of passage for teenagers” as though there is no way to avoid it. Actually I think this is a very Gen X mindset: we were the most hedonistic generation in history so we have to justify it as being normal but it was a real historical aberration. A lot of younger people are rightly cautious of it and really irritates me when people egg their children on to drink.

In this specific situation I think possibly some low alcohol premixers are the way to go. I agree that it’s difficult to ban it if her friends are all drinking but I would be sticking to your guns that you don’t approve.

My DC are in their twenties now. I refused to buy alcohol for DS before age 16. My "messaging" at age 15 was that I would prefer him not to drink alcohol at all, but that if he did he should avoid drinking on an empty stomach and should leave gaps between drinks to make sure the effect of several drinks didn't suddenly hit all at once. (DD went out less at that age and then lockdown hit in sixth form.)

If you refuse to contemplate the possibility of your child drinking at all, you shut down the possibility of having conversations about how to reduce the risks.

I agree with this. You can’t be completely zero tolerance with it. Young people are going to come into contact with it and it has to be something they can talk about safely with their parents. I wouldn’t suggest being really hardline about it: that’s a fast route to disaster.

My DD (15) hasn’t shown any interest in drinking yet but some of her peers dabble. I have told her I would prefer that she don’t drink at all yet but that if she does she should stick to low alcohol, never drink on an empty stomach, never drink on her own etc etc.

You can’t ban it or stop it. But you can avoid normalising it; don’t present it as “a bit of a laugh” or “something everyone does when they’re young”. It’s part of our culture, yes, but its also a carcinogen and something which causes people serious problems. Its. something which should be treated with a degree of healthy fear.

Thanks all. I appreciate (most of) you being measured in response. Not sure there was a call for the “line of cocaine” comment….
Had a chat with DH and he agreed with me that the consequence is for the lying and breaking trust first and foremost. I agree that it’s an impossible situation for her but stopping her from going seems really unfair since this is the way they socialise (and goodness knows we want them socialising in person these days). It seems like the pre-mixers with some good boundaries around it might be the way to go. DH’s opinion is that the horse has bolted so we are looking at damage limitation rather than anything else.
Only one more teen to go…. 🫣

I had all of this from about Year 9, not just the alcohol and house parties but vapes too. I allowed it on my terms. Now she is an adult she isn't interested in alcohol or pubs one bit.

I was drinking at 15 under supervision from my friends parents and I never drank much as an adult and not at all now. I know others who were the ones out in parks with a bottle of vodka and they drink loads still. My DM refused to allow me alcohol yet ironically is a bottle a night drinker now (less then). I always said I would allow mine to try some around 15/16 supervised rather than under the radar. Dd1 has little interest she’s a control freak so the odd sip of wine at new year is all she fancies. I might have to rethink though when dd2 is 15 she’s a rocket as it is so she might not be as sensible.