Dd contact with dad

[TheresaMz]

Dd is 15
never liked going to her dad he can be selfish and set in his ways
at the moment she goes 4 hours every Sunday but sometimes cancels which causes him to be annoyed but on the the hand she feels that when she goes he’s not particularly spending much time with her sometimes he’ll still he at his so sons football it sound something else

one thing he won’t budge on us seeing her in the week he says they don’t have time however she knows he goes to some clubs on some days which makes her feel he’s just slot her in on his terms

at 15 she wants independence and to do other things but he can be really pushy offers no alternative that might suit her and also won’t drop her back past a certain time cos he drinks to be honest I’m now getting resentful cos I’m having to go out my way to collect dd for an arrangement she isn’t even happy with

I know I need to promote their relationship but at the cost to ourselves??
need some thoughts on handling this part of me feels like saying he needs to be responsible for lifts and she will spend / Sundays a month with him Id he choosss nor to make that up in the week on the alternate weeks that’s his choice

How happy is your DD to say no to him by text?

She tried last night and he just kept repeating that he would
collevf her today - she ends up then ignoring him and then he acts like a victim

At 13 the courts listen to children and at 15 her opinion would be followed. Let her set her boundaries of what she is happy with.
I say this as someone who support my own DD’s boundaries when she was 13. Yes her Dad had a strop that lasted 18 months as he was not going to be dictated to as to how he saw his daughter - she said she was prepared to meet him for a meal or a coffee, but she was not prepared to go to his flat.
We need our daughters to be confident in creating boundaries for themselves.

I think if she is not comfortable herself in explaining things to her dad, then you need to all sit down together and you help facilitate her explaining this. Or if you feel he will think it's coming from you, have another family member or friend mediate.
I think it's fair if she is busy in the week, but maybe she also needs to understand she should still spend time with her dad and maybe explain what she would like that to look like.

Why do you need to 'promote the relationship'? At 15 she is old enough to decide who she spends time with and when. You need to support her in establishing boundaries and helping her accept her dad may not like her doing that and help her deal with his reactions.

She’s 15. She can decide if she wants to see him or not. If he turns up to collect her after being told no, just don’t answer the door.

Why should she spend time with her dad or anyone if they don’t have time for her except on a prescribed time? When does autonomy come into play? She’s 15 and allowed to set her boundaries. She can say No and he can try taking it to court. He doesn’t sound like a father worth much tbh if all he can do is offer her 4 hours a week and even in that time fails to give her any attention.

I don't know why you think you need to promote their relationship. She is old enough to decide for herself.

Well first of all, stop collecting her, you are not a taxi service! If DD’s father wants to see her then he needs to be 100% responsible for picking her up AND dropping her off.

Your DD is old enough to decide for herself if/how she wants to spend time with her father but she may lack the confidence to stand up to him. I think it’s ok for you to discuss with her ways she can set boundaries and be more firm/direct about her own wants and needs.

Just send him a message to inform him that DD no longer wants weekly Sunday contact with him and he needs to arrange dates and pick up and drop off with her directly as you are no longer available to assist.

Whatever he relies back I would just grey rock with “I support DD with her wishes to spend time with her Dad when they are mutually available and agreeable”.

He needs to understand that no means no and she needs the support from you so she learns that she can say no. I agree with the person above, if he shows up after she has told him no, don’t answer the door or don’t be home.

Ds started refusing to see his dad regularly at around 13.

His dad lived 3 hours away so we’d both do half way. Ds got pissed off with travelling all that way every other weekend just for his dad to spend the whole time with his wife and stepchildren doing what they wanted to do. Most weekends ds was there, they would have a baby sitter in Saturday night when exh and his wife went out, or they would be out oft lunch with a big group of friends etc. Or he’d have to watch his step brothers play rugby/football (ds had zero interest in sorts).

Ex h was furious with me when ds wanted to drop it to one weekend a month, then a few times a year when he was 15/16.

I told him time and time again, as did ds that he wanted to spend time with him - not with big groups of his friends and their kids, not ferrying his stepchildren around and not just sitting there when he was out with his wife. Fell on deaf ears - I was told that he had his own life with his new family now and ds hait had to fit in. Ds chose not to.

I feel for your daughter. I wish things had been different with my ex and ds.

I am a gp carer and my gs had a court order for contact with his dad. By 15 he was pretty much the same as your dd but if any mention of flexibility was raised he took.us back to court. He was a violent thug who had a conviction for gbh.

His views.were never ever taken into account sadly. He ended up going on Friday, being brought back Saturday am as the paternal family didnt want to attend his sport. We then returned him at teatime. He then left to meet friends.

Once 16 and the order ended, he refused contact point blank. Whilst in general contact is in the childs interests, miserable enforced, inflexible contact does not end well.