AIBU - Husband has photos of ex girlfriend and other woman "hes had feelings for" on his phone.

[moonlight2292]

AIBU for being really hurt by this (and struggling to get over it)
For context, weve been together 10 years, married 3, and have 2 children (hes a great dad)

I found some emails my husband has sent to himself recently of a selfie of his ex girlfriend (from when they were together). He had gone out his way to find this photo and save it and then email it to himself (so I wouldn't see). What makes it even stranger is he had put this photo of her through a face editing app and tweaked her appearance (lighter hair, eyes, a tan etc). When confronting him, he initially denied it and got defensive at me looking at his emails. He eventually admitted it was for no sexual reason (obvs dont believe this) and that it was to see if he could "feel something" as hes been numb recently. He said hes never done it before and would never do it again and that it was silly and "didn't work anyway".

I asked to look at his phone as I didn't believe him and I found some more emails sent to himself (from his own email address - a couple of years ago this time) of 2 other girls he used to speak to many years ago and had feelings for. Again, hes put these photos through an editing app before sending them to himself.

Wtf!? AIBU to be repulsed by this? Do I believe his theory of wanting to test if he could "feel anything or any attraction" towards these girls as he was feeling numb. He admitted he can't feel attraction and that he was testing it.

I feel so hurt and that he obviously doesn't fancy me any more. We're married with children and I love him so I can't leave but basically my confidence has completely gone, I feel repulsed and that I dont know who my husband is. Hes that guy that everyone says is so loyal and would never cheat on anyone etc.

Im not sure if im being petty and seeing this as something bad when it isn't. I'm very chilled about him watching pornography etc, but this just seems too personal 😔 I can't look at him the same and feel as though im grieving the relationship I thought i had.
Sorry for the rant.

Have you always felt insecure in your relationship or was there a time when you felt cherished?

No, never felt insecure, quite the opposite. Was blissfully very happy until finding the photos.

appreciate you say you love him, but he sounds like a weirdo and not in a good way. id seriously consider the relationship

You can leave. Being married with kids doesn't make you a prisoner. Not only has he done this awful thing, he's treating you as if you are thick enough to believe his crap. If you do nothing there are no consequences and he'll just do more bad stuff.

In that case it does sound as though he is just indulging memories of nostalgia and I wouldn’t read too much into it. Is he loving and make you feel loved?

'We're married with children and I love him so I cant leave'. Yes, yes you can. Love is a choice. If he now repulsed you and he is not attracted to you, there isn't love. If you would be both be happier apart, far better to come to that conclusion mutually and amicably and get on with the practicalities.

It's very odd behaviour. What does feeling numb even mean? Depressed? Go to the GP. Not sexually aroused, go to the GP. At no point would I think "oh you know what, I'll dig out those photos from 2001 and see if that gives me the horn". I mean the excuse is ridiculous.

At a stretch I'd say midlife crisis. I would be suspicious of what else he has been up to, and I'm guessing it's not supporting you if he has time to create an exes hall of fame.

Why were you looking through his emails? Something was / is bothering you about his behaviours right?
his behaviour is odd at best
Feeling numb - hmmm
I would say testing the waters as to the excuses you will accept for his rotten behaviour
id be reassessing the marriage for sure

Delete them, tell him it’s not acceptable and a deal breaker. He’s basically making images for certain purposes I assume

Yes he does.
Im such an overthinker though so im finding it hard when we're intimate as im aware hes probably imagining them. I almost have to dissociate to be able to do it.

His lap top was open on his emails and i was being nosey (my fault) and I seen he sent himself an image and i was being nosey and looked. Wish I didn't now as sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Having old pictures is one thing but the editing them is proper weird - he's not even pining for these women but enhanced versions of them ....... Sorry what?

It’s weird and creepy behaviour

Stop having sex if the only way you are partaking is by disassociating yourself. It should be pleasurable. This would really upset me to find this. I would find it more upsetting than him looking at celebrity photos or some random generated AI pictures. U need to give yourself time to process and think. Hand hold OP

Exes hall of fame made me giggle.. thanks 🤣

I agree with everything you're saying. Possibly mid life crisis as life has been very stressful. But there's always going to be stresses in life and now im going to be thunking if something gets hard is he going to go looking for old photos every time.

yes it is - the ‘enhanced’ ladies he has kept the images of would
consider it so too -
OP, now you will be watchful
ignorance can be bliss
but then so can respectful behaviour

He is numb because he's watching porn and has become desensitised. It is a well-known condition. I would seek marriage counselling asap.

I would find that really difficult, it isn't acceptable at all.