Calling social services on friend

[Abbiie]

This happened a few years ago now, but every now and then it plays on my mind and I wonder if I did the right thing?

My daughter made a friend when she started primary school and me and the mum became friends too. At first it just started that we would help each other with school runs. But then we started having each other kids around and eventually we started spending time together. Now we both had quite different parenting styles and although I have been guilty of " losing it " every now and then with my kids. I am quite calm, mostly. Well this mum yells all day every day and there was a few incidents when I saw the girls mum and dad raise their hand as if to hit them. The kids would also flinch a lot. Honestly never really thought much of it at the time. Anyway, one day on a school run the mum opened up to me, she said she had found her daughters knickers stuffed down the headboard of her bed "hidden" with blood on. She was six at the time. I obviously said that’s worrying, but she said she had spoken to the school and called the doctors etc and never mentioned it again. I obviously saw red flags then, but also she seemed a really happy child and nothing really called out to me with her behaviour. A few months later she is playing over after school and she is refusing to go home, crying and just point blank refusing to even leave my daughters room. I called her mum to say she won’t come home, her dad came and got her and in the end had to lift her over his shoulder to get her home. But he went to hit her, looked at me and stopped himself. Anyway, a year or so later her daughter stays over for a sleepover. All is going well until it’s time for her to go home the next day. She refuses again, this time crying hysterically, saying she can’t go home because they hit her and treat her badly. She was shaking and she showed me a bruise. She said she wanted to call the police. Now at the time I worked for Barnados and my best friend worked with children from abusive households. I wanted to help her but it also wasn’t easy, as if I got this wrong it was my friend and my daughters friendship would suffer. Anyway me and my daughters dad were really stuck but I sought advice from my friend and colleague. They both advised me on some questions to ask her and then depending on her answers they said I needed to take it very seriously and call the police. I ended up calling them anyway. The police then advised me that she had to stay with me until further notice. Anyway long story short, she ended up going home and it all ended up apparently that the girl had lied. I was obviously made the bad person and all the school mums stopped talking to me or associating with me at all. I just wonder, would you have done the same thing? It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make but at the end of the day, if my daughter was being abused in anyway, I’d like to know that there is someone out there ready to help and protect her. Was I in the wrong?

I think you waited too long tbh. I’d have been on the phone like a shot from the mention of the underwear. I don’t care about ‘getting it wrong’ if they have nothing to hide they’ll be ok.

She probably didn’t lie and was likely threatened into changing her story. It’ll come out when she’s older.

And you didn’t report this either?

If you have only heard that the case is dropped due to the child lying from the mother I would take that with a huge pinch of salt. SS could very well be working closely with the family but she's hardly going to broadcast that across the playground

Yes I agree!

Yes I’ve also thought this is a possibility.

Ok thanks. You definitely did the right thing. As soon as I heard the story about the hidden bloodied underwear it sounds really off.

Did you report the awful things they did to you daughter?

Yes to relevant people at the time. As it mainly happened in school it was reported to school and they obviously were aware of everything going on, because I went into school myself the Monday after it all happened (on a weekend) and let them know myself.

I don’t know if you have read my other responses to more or less the same questions, but I have said a few times why I didn’t report that. Obviously it’s worrying, but at the time I had didn’t have reason to suspect her own mother wouldn’t be taking that seriously and she told me she reported it herself to the relevant people. Sometimes we think we are good judges of character and most of the time I am. These people had me fooled and although in hindsight and when it’s written down (with much less context, because I’d still be writing now if I wrote the whole history) but baring in mind, I knew these people a long time and in all those years, I seen them raise hands twice. It wasn’t like those things were being shown a lot and we all have bad days. We all have days where we aren’t the best parents and we get it wrong and I guess I gave them grace a bit. You can read situations wrongly and I guess I didn’t want to jump the gun. But obviously when she came to me I absolutely could not ignore that or think anything else. I had to believe her and help her! But like I’ve said I absolutely should have reported sooner, that was my mistake and one I am taking accountability for.

No I don’t believe people with dirty houses are automatically abusers. Actually, the mum is not a well lady. She has quite a lot of health issues and I actually put that part down to her not having the energy and mental capacity to keep on top of the house. She also was/is a carer for her own disabled mother. So was normally helping her mum a lot. She had me fooled into thinking she was a very caring and good person. So those few times I saw a few red flags that I put down to a few bad days in the years I’d known her, I gave grace. We have all had days we could have acted better and done better for our children. Although I’ve never hit my children, I’ve had days where my patience has been tested and I’ve not acted the best. I’m not claiming to to be perfect and on this case absolutely should have acted sooner, but I didn’t and I have given other reasons for that too. I misjudged a situation which at some point I’m sure we’ve all done at some point. Obviously if a similar situation ever arose again, I’d deal with it much differently and sooner. I can only learn from my mistake in it all. But at the end of the day, I was a safe place for a lot of years for that girl and she felt safe with me and I supported her and helped her when she came to me and needed me. I did for a little while after too, I’ve also written about that in on of my responses above and why I couldn’t continue being that safe space for her. But I’d be there again for her on heartbeat if I could be.

lol you have clearly only taken the bits you want from everything I’ve said and judged me. Obviously there is a lot more context to the history and reasoning behind the decisions I made. If you take the time to read. Because if you’re going to be so black and white and have the opinion you’re having, you have to have all the information or at least ask for it. Of course I sit and wonder if she is ok and would be there again in a heartbeat for her. People like you are really so strange! I’ve taken accountability a lot on this post for where I went wrong and it definitely didn’t take people on here telling me where I went wrong for me to know that. I obviously knew when the little girl came to me that I should have taken action when the other things cropped up. But I’ve given reasons as to why I didn’t at the time and I’m sorry but things aren’t that black and white all the time. I’ve repeated myself enough on the points you’re brought up, im not going to write it all again. If you want to know read all my responses to the people who have bothered to ask the questions and be a little more informed, rather than judge and make assumptions like you have.

I suppose what's sad is now your place which was a safe place for her, she can no longer go to?

I had to do the same thing with ExDH's two children when one of them disclosed the other was Sexually abusing him at night. ExDH and his first ExW, their mother, didn't believe their boy and wouldn't even move their bedrooms. I'm a police officer.
It destroyed our marriage but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

She wasn't lying. You did the right thing. 💐

Yeah I tried to keep it a safe place for as long as I could. She kept coming over as we lived around the corner from each other, but then her mum put a tracker on her specifically to stop her from coming to mine. Then eventually after that she wasn’t allowed to play with my daughter even at school.

Tbh it sounds like losing this friendship is a small price to pay for safety of this poor girl.

Oh that must have been so difficult for all involved. Sorry.

Yeah absolutely. It’s hard to know my daughter was suffering and having difficult times at school because of me though. We moved areas and she goes to a new school now and has made some great friendships and she hasn’t looked back. We didn’t move because of all that, our lives just went in a different direction. But I do often wonder how that little girl is.

You should have reported the bleeding and other things every time imo to the police but unfortunately a lot of social services are useless and Barbados etc useless

Yes I do agree, I have explained quite a few times why I didn’t report the other things at the time. But yes, looking back I definitely should have.