Calling social services on friend

[Abbiie]

This happened a few years ago now, but every now and then it plays on my mind and I wonder if I did the right thing?

My daughter made a friend when she started primary school and me and the mum became friends too. At first it just started that we would help each other with school runs. But then we started having each other kids around and eventually we started spending time together. Now we both had quite different parenting styles and although I have been guilty of " losing it " every now and then with my kids. I am quite calm, mostly. Well this mum yells all day every day and there was a few incidents when I saw the girls mum and dad raise their hand as if to hit them. The kids would also flinch a lot. Honestly never really thought much of it at the time. Anyway, one day on a school run the mum opened up to me, she said she had found her daughters knickers stuffed down the headboard of her bed "hidden" with blood on. She was six at the time. I obviously said that’s worrying, but she said she had spoken to the school and called the doctors etc and never mentioned it again. I obviously saw red flags then, but also she seemed a really happy child and nothing really called out to me with her behaviour. A few months later she is playing over after school and she is refusing to go home, crying and just point blank refusing to even leave my daughters room. I called her mum to say she won’t come home, her dad came and got her and in the end had to lift her over his shoulder to get her home. But he went to hit her, looked at me and stopped himself. Anyway, a year or so later her daughter stays over for a sleepover. All is going well until it’s time for her to go home the next day. She refuses again, this time crying hysterically, saying she can’t go home because they hit her and treat her badly. She was shaking and she showed me a bruise. She said she wanted to call the police. Now at the time I worked for Barnados and my best friend worked with children from abusive households. I wanted to help her but it also wasn’t easy, as if I got this wrong it was my friend and my daughters friendship would suffer. Anyway me and my daughters dad were really stuck but I sought advice from my friend and colleague. They both advised me on some questions to ask her and then depending on her answers they said I needed to take it very seriously and call the police. I ended up calling them anyway. The police then advised me that she had to stay with me until further notice. Anyway long story short, she ended up going home and it all ended up apparently that the girl had lied. I was obviously made the bad person and all the school mums stopped talking to me or associating with me at all. I just wonder, would you have done the same thing? It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make but at the end of the day, if my daughter was being abused in anyway, I’d like to know that there is someone out there ready to help and protect her. Was I in the wrong?

Yes hindsight is a wonderful thing but from what the mum said she was dealing with it and going through the correct channels re the knickers. Also when they raised their hands and the children flinched it was played off " oh I would never, really" etc. Yes I absolutely agree though, I should have probably reported sooner and yes I didn’t want my child losing a friend or having any difficult situations from it. It’s a very very small town, could barely call it a town more like a village and if you get something like that wrong, then it’s not nice to be that person. Call it selfish, I don’t care. Even when I did do the right thing and the girl came to me, me and my daughter were still made to feel like the bad people in it all.

@AbbiieIt’s not hindsight though is it. This is a child’s life we are talking about. You were told these things and literally witnessed them attempting to hit the child. Boo hoo, your child would lose a friend?It’s very obvious that child is not being treated well and quite literally being abused and you put the friendship of your child? above the other child’s welfare. You’re getting no pat on the back or sympathy from me.

We don’t live in a society or a world where doing the right thing always feels good. You’ll never handle something perfectly. You did your best in the circumstances to protect a little girl and you paid a heavy price. But she will remember someone tried and believed her. That means something 💛

They’d raise their hand to the child and say “oh I would never, really” and you’d what? Laugh? Not take any notice? Think it was acceptable? Please tell me how this is an acceptable response to someone raising their hand to a child? AND noticing them flinch. Vile.

What do you think would have actually happened? Op would have reported, it would have gone to a mash team, the mum would have made excuses and the girl probably would have been hurt more. Even when it was eventually reported to the police, the girl was probably pressured into recanting. You clearly don’t work in the real world. I’ve seen pregnant women in court testing positive for cocaine, and still keeping their kids. I’ve seen a man done for saing one kid being brought to school apts for another sibling, and the school can do nothing about it but report. The social services is on its knees. The courts are on their knees. Op believed and supported a child, and still has enough guilt to think about it now. You look at any abuse enquiry where serious harm has happened and that’s more than most professionals.
its very easy to judge and be perfect when it’s not you.

Ok, well you seem like a really lovely and great person yourself. Clap for yourself miss perfect. I’ve admitted I should have reported sooner, have a day off and chill.

The first time the mother mentioned about blood in knickers I would have probably a) spoke to the school to make sure the mother wasn't fibbing (really I would think if she had talked to the school they would have reported it) and b) the first time you thought that she might be getting a slap I would have contacted authorities. I certainly wouldn't have waited for a year. Imagine all the abuse she most likely has had to suffer in that time... I'd rather be hated and be wrong than not do anything at all.

Why are you posting here? You obviously did the right thing! You don’t need anyone’s reassurance about that. It’s very clear cut.

I think any decent person would be more worried about a child’s welfare than the potential loss of a friendship. Seems like that’s all you cared about, even still now, writing posts to justify finally reporting something that you know should’ve been reported long long before. So yes, compared to you, a child’s welfare would be 1000% above my worries of potential friendship fallouts.

No. She witnessed them attempting to hit their child, she was told by said parent about underwear with blood on. This should have been reported instantly, or what, is that the excuse now? Nothing would happen anyway so why bother reporting? Is that what you’re saying?

Oh wow, you’re really on one. Are you actually ok? If that was the case I wouldn’t have reported at all. I agree I should have reported sooner, I have literally said that more than once to you. There are people that still don’t talk to me till this day and have done some awful things to my daughter because of it. So yes I wanted to protect my own daughter, I won’t feel shamed about that.

No I’m saying how dare you blame op for a child being abused when it’s the parents fault. Op should have reported earlier but wasn’t trained or sure and when it came down to it supported and believed a child. You’re vilifying the wrong person.

So why are you posting this on the internet, for what? Justification you eventually done the right thing and you’re such a great person for doing so? I’m not sure, either way, like I said before no pat on the back from me. You put a friendship above a child’s life. That’s the long & short of it. Perhaps you don’t like what you’re hearing. You done the right thing eventually, eventually is too little too late in my mind.

Because there are people to this day that don’t speak to me because I reported it and other kids have done some unkind things to my daughter because of it. So I do wonder if I did the right thing. I obviously know deep down, but there are people out there that genuinely don’t agree that I did the right thing too.

are you joking me? Wasn’t trained? I work in corporate, I’m not ‘trained’ when it comes to children, I would’ve reported it in the first instance, do people need to be trained to think attempting to hit a child is wrong? It’s not vilifying the wrong person, she chose to post it on the internet and I am utterly shocked at how she responded to it.

This poster is too black and white about things. Which is quite worrying because life is a shade of grey. You’re a human being not a robot.
Blood in underwear doesn’t automatically scream abuse - it could be a bowel issue too.
the threatening behaviour wouldn’t get a kid removed from parents either. It’s not illegal to hit kids in the uk.
when you had enough to be sure, you believed supported and took in the child.

The kids flinching wouldve been concerning for me tbh

And the knickers incident

Poor kid.

@interestedandsol

i don’t mind you having your opinion at all actually. Thank you.

no you’re clearly not and it’s showing. You’re coming across as very triggered and unhelpful.

OP I find this thread odd. Why so much judgment of you for not acting earlier, when you have laid out your doubts and paid a price for acting eventually? You must be getting whiplash; you've got so much judgment IRL for reporting this at, all and now you're getting slated online for not reporting earlier. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...

It sounds to me like your ex-friend just wasn't the sort of person with whom you could easily have sat down and had a calm conversation about those bloody underpants and how they got there. I for one understand that you were bewildered, since the possible implications of that one piece of information were huge - but why would she tell you something so disconcerting almost in passing, and then not raise hell about it herself?

It must have been hellish being confronted with a little girl trembling and in tears, refusing to go home. It wasn't like you could just keep her; from her parents' point of view that would have amounted to something like abduction.

I too would hope that in your situation I'd have acted more quickly, but neither I nor the judgy people on this thread can be sure. Mostly I hope that this girl will come out of her childhood OK, since something clearly is going wrong there and she's not getting help from the authorities.

And which line of questioning would you suggest to clarify bloody knickers belonging to a 6yo?! FFS

Exactly! Thank you.

I am 100% triggered thinking that a child went through this much in front of someone before it was finally flagged to the relevant people. What help does the OP want? You’re speaking as if you’re trained with children and I’m having a completely unprecedented reaction to this, so do you think it was right to not report when the parent said they found bloodied underwear stuffed behind the headboard, or when they witnessed them attempting to hit a child? I’m a mother, whether I’m trained with children or not, I know right from wrong.

I give up at this point, she quite literally witnessed a child being abused and is more worried about friendship fallout than the actual child who is being abused. Disgusted doesn’t even cut it