Calling social services on friend

[Abbiie]

This happened a few years ago now, but every now and then it plays on my mind and I wonder if I did the right thing?

My daughter made a friend when she started primary school and me and the mum became friends too. At first it just started that we would help each other with school runs. But then we started having each other kids around and eventually we started spending time together. Now we both had quite different parenting styles and although I have been guilty of " losing it " every now and then with my kids. I am quite calm, mostly. Well this mum yells all day every day and there was a few incidents when I saw the girls mum and dad raise their hand as if to hit them. The kids would also flinch a lot. Honestly never really thought much of it at the time. Anyway, one day on a school run the mum opened up to me, she said she had found her daughters knickers stuffed down the headboard of her bed "hidden" with blood on. She was six at the time. I obviously said that’s worrying, but she said she had spoken to the school and called the doctors etc and never mentioned it again. I obviously saw red flags then, but also she seemed a really happy child and nothing really called out to me with her behaviour. A few months later she is playing over after school and she is refusing to go home, crying and just point blank refusing to even leave my daughters room. I called her mum to say she won’t come home, her dad came and got her and in the end had to lift her over his shoulder to get her home. But he went to hit her, looked at me and stopped himself. Anyway, a year or so later her daughter stays over for a sleepover. All is going well until it’s time for her to go home the next day. She refuses again, this time crying hysterically, saying she can’t go home because they hit her and treat her badly. She was shaking and she showed me a bruise. She said she wanted to call the police. Now at the time I worked for Barnados and my best friend worked with children from abusive households. I wanted to help her but it also wasn’t easy, as if I got this wrong it was my friend and my daughters friendship would suffer. Anyway me and my daughters dad were really stuck but I sought advice from my friend and colleague. They both advised me on some questions to ask her and then depending on her answers they said I needed to take it very seriously and call the police. I ended up calling them anyway. The police then advised me that she had to stay with me until further notice. Anyway long story short, she ended up going home and it all ended up apparently that the girl had lied. I was obviously made the bad person and all the school mums stopped talking to me or associating with me at all. I just wonder, would you have done the same thing? It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make but at the end of the day, if my daughter was being abused in anyway, I’d like to know that there is someone out there ready to help and protect her. Was I in the wrong?

Someone in my daughters class reported us to school because of worrying things she’d said when they’d been doing research on the internet at school. I’m a teacher, as soon as the head spoke to me I knew it was a safeguarding issue and thankfully when we got to the bottom of it there was nothing to worry about. Whilst it wasn’t as ‘serious’ as the incidents you’ve mentioned, I’m certain I know which parent made the call. However I’ve never mentioned it or held it against them, and I’m full of respect that they didn’t choose to dither but presented the facts and let other more qualified people make a decision.

I appreciate the after effects have been hard however if you’d not acted and something horrific happened you’d never have forgiven yourself. I can’t help but think that her over-reaction is a sign of a guilty conscience.

I think she should have reported earlier, but I can also see why she didn’t.
did Op act perfectly? No.
did Op do her best in a horrific situation? Yes, I believe she did.
it is horrific and triggering and horrible but like I said. You’re having a go at the wrong person. Be angry at the parents. Be angry at the lack of funding for early support and social services. Be angry at the police. But someone doing their best, who that child will remember as a safe person and proof that there are adults who will try to help even when it seems like none will? Over the top and harsh imo

I didn’t ask about that. I only asked about what she had came to me about. I already felt her mum had went through the correct channels on that particular thing and if I thought for a second her mum wasn’t taking it seriously then I probably would have reported it then. But also didn’t feel her mum would have told me something like that if she had anything to hide. But like I’ve said a bunch, looking back I 100% should have reported sooner. But there are still people out there that don’t believe I should when reported it at all. So… hence my post on asking for other opinions.

The child most likely wasn’t lying, she will have to pretend that she made it up to protect her family and because she risks worse abuse for speaking up, poor kid.

They would have to report it, legally. But they shouldn't be questioning it-anyone in these roles should know they categorically cannot "investigate"-their role is record and pass it to the safeguarding lead (or call police in certain circumstances). I had a little bit of training on this for an admin role, and even in that, they made it very clear this was the case, always. So it is really worrying if a Barnado's employee didn't get that training.

You can ask clarifying questions like who what where when but nothing leading. Info gathering is fine as long as the child isn’t distressed.
eg. Rex got into bed with me and bit me last night.
q: who is Rex?
child: our new puppy.
see what I mean?

Yes thank you and like I said at the end of my original post. I’d like to know that there is someone out there helping and protecting and believing my child, if she was to ever go to someone if she was being abused. I don’t think I would have fallen out with her, I genuinely think I would have thanked her for being there for my child. But we aren’t all the same, unfortunately.

You did the right thing beacuse of what you say the child flinching,the child not wanting to go home,the child was probably told "if this ever comes out it will be your fault and you will end up in a children's home".

I don't think a child would go to those lengths to fake being frightened then say they were lying she just said that because she was a scared.you did the right thing and to hell with all those people who blanked you for putting a child's safety first.

I have been that child and I WASN'T lying!
Shit would hit the fan when I got home and I would be terrified and forced to say I was a liar. This would be held against me every day, what a pathetic liar and snitch I am.
I remember my friend being desperate to help me and doing things like calling help lines but really there was nothing to be done. Any inkling that they would be challenged on their parenting would make things so much worse for us kids.
You did the morally right thing, but this was always going to be the outcome

It is illegal to hit kids in Scotland, not sure about the rest of the UK though.

Validation

I have found this story and the OPs defensive answers very distressing. To literally witness parents raising their hands at their young child and them flinching, but you ‘never thought much of it’
A child begged you to call the police on her own parents. Can you imagine how harmed she must’ve been to resort to that?
And yet you spend your time now ‘wondering if you did the right thing.’
Personally, I would be spending my time wondering about this poor child and how I could possibly not have reported it all sooner, but hey like you said ‘we aren’t all the same, unfortunately.’
And now you can go ahead and call me ‘Miss Perfect’ but no I’m not perfect, just someone who will always put a child’s safety first.
Your defensive answers - you need to grow up and actually understand what people are telling you. You’re so dismissive, like ‘yes, yes, I should’ve acted sooner, ok ok I get it’ no actual remorse.

Yes sorry that was inaccurate: in England and Northern Ireland reasonable punishment can be used as a defence if you’re acting as a parent and it comes down to the force used and how ‘minor’ the injury is. In wales and Scotland it’s completely prohibited. My experience is predominantly in England. I hope the rest of the uk catches up to Scotland and wales.

Yes and that’s exactly what is was like. I also didn’t ask whilst she was crying and upset. I actually comforted her and said it’s ok, I will help and calmed her down. I got the girls snacks and put a film on for them whilst I worked out what the next steps were. Baring in mind, you can actually have a lot of training and when faced with real life situations and when it’s personal to you, it can be quite daunting and feel overwhelming and that’s probably why I didn’t deal with it perfectly. But I did what I thought was best in the moment and on reflection and if anything like that happened again, I absolutely would do things differently. I’m being slated by one person and being called vile and being told that I’ve sat and watched a little girl being abused. That just isn’t the case at all. I also told her when she did leave and went back home that I am always here and that I will always believe her and she is safe here. She kept coming back (we lived around the corner from each other) when eventually she was told she couldn’t come and play with my daughter again and her mum put a tracker on her phone specifically to make sure she didn’t walk around to my house again. In the end she wasn’t even allowed to play with my daughter at school. Lots more happened after that, but it’s all too much to write really.

I have spoken to many child abuse victims like you. Your story is not unusual unfortunately. Many adults will say they will speak out but when it comes down to it behave like the op and are worried about getting involved. I think people think that when you report Olivia benson turns up and magically saves the child. It doesn’t work like that. Reporting is important because it creates an evidence trail of concerns but the system is completely broken. We don’t save 9/10 kids. And the ones we do often end up with no support, not loving family or foster carers. I’m furious on your behalf. Child abuse ruins lives and we don’t do enough about it

I think you’ve made your point no need to keep repeating the same thing. OP had said she wished she had acted sooner. What I don’t understand is why the mother would have admitted to OP about the bloody knickers if they were responsible ? Surely she would have realised she would have reported it? I do hope that poor girl is OK

I’m sorry you were that child and you didn’t get help. But I’m glad you had a friend that wanted to help and you could go to ❤️

You’ve literally quoted me on the post I said about giving up? Because people are so fucking blaise about child abuse it makes me sick - god knows, are you the police to be investigating? That’s who should have been investigating when OP should’ve reported it. But here we are, in a world where someone needs praise for reporting child abuse after numerous signs and now needs praise for doing so.

Yes exactly, which is why I felt confident in that the mother was dealing with it. Because why would she come to me and say if she wasn’t going to get to the bottom of it herself and advocate for her child? I absolutely would have reported it there and then if I didn’t think that was the case.

It actually sounds like you hesitated calling the police. The child whilst distressed literally asked you to, she was pleading for help. You did the right thing by calling them. I would have left the further questioning down to the professionals. This is shocking that the poor girl was that frightened to go home. Hope she is being looked after better now.

Well they’re nasty and not worth having in your life. Kids can be mean and other children can be unkind, so try not to be too hard on yourself and think your DD wouldn’t have any issues if you hadn’t reported it.

I think you handled it best you could in the moment and the grim reality is reporting earlier wouldn’t have changed much. We live and learn, and in a small community as you’ve seen doing the right thing can have horrible ramifications. You’ve learned and you were a safe person for that child long after you needed to be by the sounds of it. It does sound very suspicious how the mother behaved. One day it will probably all come out, when the child is much older, but for now all you can do is hold your head high and know you did what you could. Were you perfect? No. But when it came down to it you did the right thing and supported that child