To ask how I get comfortable with other’s discomfort

[mumandmumber]

When it comes to family, I am struggling as I often find myself stuck in the middle of different people’s wishes (eg DP and my DM & DB). And I’m noticing how much knowing I’ve not met their wishes/demands & meeting my own once in a while eats away at me.
I’m referring mainly to spending time together.

I’ve always been told & felt that I am very level headed, incredibly diplomatic, socially consciousness, good judge of character, good with people etc.

But, I do try to avoid conflict and have some people pleasing qualities, but when push comes to shove, I will stand up for myself, and am confident in myself to put my foot down. I wouldn’t say I’m a door matt. And I do do so with my family, but due to a lot of family trauma & stress recently, I’ve been indulging them all more as more time together and attention was needed.
Now I’m pulling back a little bit on that due to my own needs, I find I am constantly feeling guilty.
To be clear, noone has said anything to make me feel that way! But I am intuitive, and I know historically that there is beef around this issue.

Exposure to it, I imagine. You get comfortable with something the more you do it.

Its a horrible thing when other people's moods impact your own, isn't it? When you can't fully enjoy yourself unless others are too.
We learn this in childhood I think. Usually from being around a dominant personality who had the power to ruin things if they became displeased. So things were only as enjoyable as they found them.
I'm not sure it's possible to lose it altogether, just to manage it. I find it helps to really concentrate on what you're doing rather than focusing externally on others. Is your food good? Are you enjoying the show? Do you like having Auntie Margery there? Keep your attention on your own feelings and experiences. It takes practice.

I am very happy and confident and don’t feel used and abused by anyone and i sure as heck don’t go around life “not giving a fuck” . Sounds shit way to live tbh

The negative emotions you experience in these circs must be transferred and applied, by you, as labels or speech bubbles for these pushy relatives.
When others are clearly overstepping, being self-centred and demanding, and all of it going on constantly and for yonks, it’s bonkers for you to be the one with a little cloud of guilt over your head.
If you know, as you do, that you really and truly are not wronging people, your conscience can be clear when you cease from agonising about any little hurts you imagine you have caused.
You have every right to occupy your little bit of space and air on Earth without having to accommodate others’ relentless demands for access.

Exactly - and also, I dont know anyone who doesnt give a fuck about anything at all, most people care about at least something in life. You'd be a literal psychopath to not care about anything at all

And very very lonely

I am going to recommend a different book/audio book. Mel Robbins “Let them” was somewhat life changing for me as an inveterate keeper of the peace, it helped me centre my own wants and feelings without having to take on other peoples as my own. Difficult to put in practice with two elderly demented DPs mind !

Yeah exactly, but on here it all about being petty or "no is a complete sentence" etc which never take into account actual reality

When I see a poster suggesting “no is a complete sentence” I cringe. Imagine overhearing someone actually say this in RL!!

You don’t need to add the “…is a complete sentence” part.

Saying no, plainly, is ‘actual reality’ for a lot of us, and outside of the UK, culturally entirely normal.

If someone thinks badly of me because I’ve said no to them, and especially if it was an unreasonable request in the first place, then that’s their business. It’s not something I worry about. Actually, if it repels cheeky fuckers, then judgement is quite welcome.

Yeah, I mean, I find something quite irritating about the whole idea of "how many fucks we give". It's a bit of a bugbear. The idea of "fucks" in this context is just such a horrible and crass way of diminishing the idea of caring about something - i.e. a really normal human trait.

Do we have to be endlessly grateful if someone else gives us one of their precious "fucks"?

It's good that people care about things. It is what makes us human, and quite frankly I wish a lot of people cared more than they do about a lot of things.

Protecting our own space and our own mental and physical health is important too, of course, but that doesn't mean you have to reduce the whole idea of caring about things to such an unpleasant and dismissive word.

I couldn't really respect anyone writing a self help book using the concept of "fucks" to be given.

Following with interest as I could have written this post myself.

Well enjoy living your live but most people who want to actually engage with other people release that "no is complete sentence" is not helpful in adult, healthy and long-lasting relationships

I was always raised to be responsible for people's feelings, especially my mother's. I eventually came to understand I wasn't responsible for other people and, if they responded negatively or felt unhappy with something I decided, that wasn't my responsibility to remedy. Adults can have their own feelings and their feelings are theirs to manage. I sometimes ask myself, is this actually my responsibility? Usually the answer is no, so I can say no and the other person can deal with their response to my no.

It's a good way of figuring out people too. I always tell my older children that to find out what someone is really like, say no to them. It's very revealing.

It's normal not be be comfortable for others' discomfort-unless you're a psychopath! That's one of the first things I learned at uni-only a small percentage of the population don't want to please others, because it's important for societies to function, and families to thrive, to care. Those born without this trait usually learn how to mimic it (which is why some psychopaths seem extremely charming).
So don't be comfortable, acknowledge the difficulty of balancing needs, and just doing your best, like most of us do.

I think sometimes people are taught to put too much emphasis on other's feelings and needs. It's not always in a healthy way. For those people, learning that boundaries are okay, and other people having negative feelings are okay, and not necessarily a symptom that you did something wrong. You can learn to manage those feelings without being a psychopath.

I can’t say I’ve ever found it problematic.

As I said, that can be very dependent on cultural context. Simply declining something may be considered rude in the UK, but this isn’t a universal rule.

If someone is making unreasonable requests of me, then why would I be any more concerned with their comfort than they are with mine?

Perhaps give time and energy to what you can and have a time of day just for you to relax
Stop ibstantly being available to calls, text or what people want or expect of you instantly.
When you feel your cup is full for the day or week stop.
We can read all these self help sweary books but apparebtly its abit of a crock...yet to bother looking at it.

How far away do they live? The simplest thing you can do is give yourself some physical distance so that time together is more intentional and has natural boundaries (eg this Saturday/that holiday).

Agree with those saying therapy about this. Have they guilt tripped you in the past? Was there an expectation that you would never ever push back as a child? Did that come with some form of punishment eg silent treatment? Clearly this comes from somewhere.

If you are naturally a people pleaser, try framing your downtime as something necessary for you to be able to give more when you do see them. Or if you have plans in the morning, consider that you do have plans in the afternoon which are balancing out the morning. I personally strive for gaps in between things as it makes me feel less frantic. So mostly one “event” a day. If it’s a morning or afternoon or evening, that automatically blocks out the whole day. It means I can linger if we are having a good time. Or I can get some jobs done before/after and I can be more present for the meet up without a chorus of everything I need to do tap dancing on my shoulder. It felt dramatic and self-centred at first but gradually it improved as I realised I felt so much calmer and was more present when meeting people. PILs had a habit of looking at the calendar and considering that any blank space was theirs, so DH took the calendar off the wall and offered slots to them. He also found that always having the next meetup scheduled took the pressure off. Easier to say can’t do Tuesday when we all know that we are seeing them on Sunday.

In defence of the Manson ‘not giving a fuck’ book of which I have read about half, it is not a glib instruction to care less about other people. It is a fairly nuanced discussion of humility, accepting uncertainty, recognising the absurdity of always centring or acting upon one’s own worries, etc. I liked it.

Beyond the no? No.