To ask how I get comfortable with other’s discomfort

[mumandmumber]

When it comes to family, I am struggling as I often find myself stuck in the middle of different people’s wishes (eg DP and my DM & DB). And I’m noticing how much knowing I’ve not met their wishes/demands & meeting my own once in a while eats away at me.
I’m referring mainly to spending time together.

I’ve always been told & felt that I am very level headed, incredibly diplomatic, socially consciousness, good judge of character, good with people etc.

But, I do try to avoid conflict and have some people pleasing qualities, but when push comes to shove, I will stand up for myself, and am confident in myself to put my foot down. I wouldn’t say I’m a door matt. And I do do so with my family, but due to a lot of family trauma & stress recently, I’ve been indulging them all more as more time together and attention was needed.
Now I’m pulling back a little bit on that due to my own needs, I find I am constantly feeling guilty.
To be clear, noone has said anything to make me feel that way! But I am intuitive, and I know historically that there is beef around this issue.

You need to give fewer fucks.

Read Mark Mansons book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

Life changing!

Choose guilt over resentment.

Sounds like you need to reset your limits after recent months. There is nothing wrong with doing that.

Yes I definitely do! I am getting better at it in some ways since hitting 40…
But worse in other ways thanks to that Peri Angst…
I have heard good things about that book, thanks for reminding me to read it

Very well put. Thanks

So they want to spend time with you and you can’t / don’t want to, but feel guilty?

Exactly this.
It's how I go about my business.

I am 45 and I am so glad that I don’t feel the need to live my life not giving a fuck because no one makes me feel like I need to!

We/I spend lots of time with them and enjoy it. But sometimes need my/our own space. Sometimes they don’t get that.

Sorry OP but it's hard to give advice because it seems like a really vague thing you are asking here. Is there a particular situation going on?

Also I don't agree that "you need to give fewer fucks" is such a straightforward answer to everything.

It's an easy phrase to bat off, makes you sound sort of cool/ above caring about things, and features in a lot of bestselling self-help fodder.

But in reality, most people's relationships with their families are more complex than this.

I was just thinking this. It’s definitely easier than done. How we are & how many fucks we give is pretty ingrained into our personalities so whilst a book or that sort of advice might be a reminder/helpful/interesting… it’s not exactly that simple!

You’re right that there are layers to this and detail I’m not going into here, but for the sakes of simplicity & also risk of outing, the bones of it is as I say. Appreciate your intuition x

And I’m noticing how much knowing I’ve not met their wishes/demands & meeting my own once in a while eats away at me.
I’m referring mainly to spending time together.

First, you're an adult. No one here has the right to "demand" your time. You feel guilty to the point of it "eating at you" for meeting your own needs "once in a while" rather than the wishes of your partner or your mom or your brother. That's being a people pleaser or they're all laying serious guilt trips on you. That you feel this way makes me think you could be in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt and there's some people in your life who don't respect your boundaries and possibly have some narcissistic traits.

You need to work on seeing things clearly, setting appropriate boundaries, and not feeling guilty about prioritizing yourself. It sounds like no one else does.

Therapy can help untangle things if this is the case.

If you're an introvert, you need more space and alone time and not getting that can affect your mental health.

Well that’s odd. And they get in an arse with you when you say you have plans? You have a partner? Kids?

If we have plans they are ok with it, but for example if i have plans for a morning, they will suggest something in the afternoon. I know saying no to that if I don’t want to is ok and fair. My question is,
despite knowing that, logically and beleiving it, how do I be ok with in myself.

To add - because just having to say no, or LIE, makes me uneasy. What’s that about?! (I know what its about) but how do I get OK with it??

I wouldn’t lie, or give them detailed information about why you can’t do something. Just respond saying sorry, no, can’t do that. I will get back to you with some dates for the weekend after.

Then leave it and send the dates as stated.

I did this exact thing this weekend. And have done a few times in the past - but it always taints my weekend as I feel so uncomfortable in doing so. Even when I know logically
that I have every right to. Hence my question, how do I get ok with it? Perhaps my question should have been: Maybe I should have asked: How do I get comfortable with putting my own ‘boundaries’ in place…

You cant/wont ever get used to it but you can get used to just noticing it but not letting it stop you from trusting your own instincts.
I once read something that helped me to empathise WITHOUT taking ownership of someone else's emotions "People arent against you, they're just FOR themselves"

What’s their reaction? And do you have your own family? Ie married and kids?

I think if you’re beating yourself about setting a very reasonable boundary with family that you are loads anyway - maybe therapy?

Their reaction, if i say we have plans one day/one morning, is to suggest doing to something in the left over time, hence why I’ve learnt its best to just say we are busy, be non specific. If I am non specific, they don’t say anything. But the vibes are there. And even if they weren’t/I’m overthinking… my question is: how do I stop caring/overthinking?!

Thank you. X This is exactly the conclusion I’m coming to. Looks like its time for therapy

Maybe the vibes aren’t there and it’s your anxiety around this that makes you think this?

Also I don't agree that "you need to give fewer fucks" is such a straightforward answer to everything.

I agree- it's a flippant phrase that is said with zero thought and if you are a person who does give a lot of fucks then it's impossible to suddenly give none. Thats expecting you to change your entire personality overnight.

OP- I recommend the book Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura, it's an examination of people pleasing and how to stop it. It really helped me