Would you feel a bit awkward about this or is it just me?

[Tiptoptip1]

I'd had difficult few months in work, was 'managed out' of my school, as some UPS older teachers are, union involved, bullying, micromanagement and so on, luckily all sorted now and in a new role.

Mainly confided in husband and my family, they were supportive during this time and I hope I wasn't a burden, I felt bad and still do, but I made it clear I was really grateful for their support and I don't mention it anymore.

Brother-in-law has a fairly new partner, I've met her two or three times briefly. The other week was the third time, we went out and she said 'So are you still having all those problems at your school?'. I'd never discussed it with my BIL (get on but don't confide stuff not close enough for that) and didn't know her that well.

I know how she found out obviously, I felt a bit awkward but I know people talk. I know she was only asking out of concern, it's just the fact that I didn't tell many people at the time. Not sure if I'm being a bit sensitive?

She’s so rude. And basically destroyed any trust you have for the one you confided in. Not sensitive at all it’s nothing to do with them. Just walk away don’t even respond x

I wouldn’t like that, because I’m a very private person. But… on the other hand people do share what’s going on in their lives, and presumably your DH was worried for you and angry with the school on your behalf?

It’s fine to be a bit weirded out - you feel how you feel - but you don’t have to do anything with that feeling, if you see what I mean.

Unless you specifically told your DH not to say anything to anyone, I don't think you can complain. I know you'd prefer he hadn't disclosed it but when you share info, you have to be prepared it may go further.

I'd be raging, personally; my DH DOES talk to his family about our personal stuff, so I don't tell him anything now. 🫤

Yes that's true, I'll just have to take it as a lesson for next time.

presumably your dh discussed it with h is db?
i imagine your dh needed someone to offload to if he was concerned and worried about you.

Yes I suppose it was that. I feel guilty for it and I try to not burden him too much with anything now. I suppose I just didn't expect his new partner to know everything like that as I barely know her.

I wouldn't be very happy being asked about something personal by someone I hardly know.

But as others have said, unless you specifically swore DH to secrecy it's not unreasonable that he might have spoken to his own brother about it. When my DH had some work issues a number of years ago, I found it helpful to talk to family/close friends to get different perspectives - as you are doing here.

Where it goes a bit wonky is that BIL has mentioned it to a fairly new partner, who then asks you about it.

I think I would tell DH I wasn't happy about what happened, so could he be cautious when chatting to his brother, as brother obviously passes it straight on to girlfriend, who appears to have no filter.

Edited to say we had a similar situation in reverse. BIL phone PILs, or pop in and see them, and chat about whatever he and SIL had been doing. When we then popped into PILs next, they would then tell us "BIL did this, SIL did that". I didn't like it and did try to say to PIL maybe that's for BIL to tell us, not you.

In the end, when SIL started to recount something to me, I basically finished her story for her and told her she had no secrets, that whatever BIL told PIL got passed on to us.

Am I the only one who thinks this is totally normal? You had a tough time at work and talked about it to family members. BIL mentions something like ‘poor OP, she’s been having a rough time at her school, folk have been behaving awfully to her’ and she just wants to be friendly and sympathetic and asks if it’s still as bad as it was. Unless you made it clear that it was sensitive and you didn’t want it shared in which case they shouldn’t have.

She should not have brought it up, especially not on a night out when you would not have wanted to be reminded of it, but also because you have never spoke of it with her present.

I don't think there's anything wrong in that scenario. Work problems aren't usually very sensitive info. I wouldn't care if people were chatting about my work problems and I think the GF was just looking for something to talk to you about to build a relationship.

I don't think she was rude. How did she know it was some big secret. Maybe someone told her about it recently when discussing work, disputes, schools, bullying. It could be anything.

And she was probably asking out of interest or to be supportive. Maybe she had similar issues. You're not the only one to have had a hard time at work.

She's not rude at all.

Sounds like the poor woman was just trying to make polite conversation.

I dont think theres anything wrong with her asking sounds like she was just trying to make conversation, work issues are not usually that personal did she know it was such a sensitive subject?

You really don't have anything to feel guilty about! As you say many more experienced teachers are treated similarly. It's not anything you did or didn't do, really, even if you did refuse to take on more work than you could sensibly do. It's the school's mismanagement that's at fault.

I guess the SIL was just trying to express concern and sympathy for your situation she didn't know it was a private matter after all.

purple last
She’s so rude. And basically destroyed any trust you have for the one you confided in. Not sensitive at all it’s nothing to do with them. Just walk away don’t even respond x

Id see this as a huge overreaction- people mention things in passing, it doesn’t mean they’re gossiping and she might have been looking to make conversation and this came out. Leaving when you don’t like what someone is saying is ridiculous!

I'd assume she was trying to find something to talk about with you that had clearly been a problem for you. Also, how would she know if was a secret?
A) You never said to DH it was a secret not to share or whom ever you also talked to about it?
B) Clearly were talking about it a fair bit

I'm glad you are feeling more settled now.

TBH, I don't tell my MIL anything personal since she disclosed a cousins pregnancy when she'd specifically told her to keep it a secret till our cousin could speak to us personally. There is a back story, but this was the main reason MIL knows nothing at all about our 8yrs TTC, 3 losses and years of IVF. I knew that if she knows any scrap of info- then the entire family, which span the globe, would also know our personal info.

"Having all those problems with your school" doesn't necessarily mean she knows everything though? I can see why it makes you uncomfortable but it doesn't necessarily mean anyone has overshared. Maybe DH could check with BIL in a friendly, non -accusatory sort of way.

It could have come up in conversation that the new partner has had her own problems at work/ has worked at a school and BIL said something like "My brother's wife is a teacher, had a bit of trouble and got treated horribly by SLT and had to leave." That's just conversation not going into the details about how it affected you etc.