Are DH & I being UR with my MIL

[ellie09]

Hi all

I was married back in July.

Overall, the day went great except for some chaos from MIL.

For context, my DH has had numerous arguments in the past with MIL that resulted in NC for several months - at most 9 months, but we tried to put this behind us for the sake of the wedding.

On the run up to the wedding, we told her numerous things. The main things being that we wanted bubbles instead of confetti for after the ceremony etc

because of venue constraints and also, it was what we wanted. She also insisted on knowing all the colour scheme so she could get a lovely dress that matched the bridal party for the photos, so we shared bridesmaid dress photos, decor etc and she showed us her dress and it was lovely.

Roll forward to the day, MIL turned up in a completely different dress that she ran past us, in fact, a completely opposite and contrasting colour to the bridal party. She also brought confetti. MIL got really drunk, and was making a bit of a spectacle, to the point, people on my side were asking what was wrong. She asks to throw the confetti. We say no. She asks the venue staff to find a loophole, approaches DH at a very busy time, and DH says to her "he doesnt have time right now" to do her confetti shot outside.

MIL then goes into hysterics, wailing, crying. My side of the family/friends are all asking wtf is going on. She then tells his side of the family, he told her to "f* off" so they all leave early before the first dance in protest.

We continue with our night, and its grand.

The next day, she says we were rude, that we ignored her most of the day (we were getting photos etc!)

Since the wedding, DH has went completely NC and looks set to stay on it.

Recently she reached out via voicemail - "I will always love you, but you aren't ready to talk and I am so thats how it is" etc.no apology etc.

I have told DH I dont want a relationship with his DM. He insists he wants NC as parts of hid childhood make him question if she's a narcisst and emotionally and physically abusive etc.

AIBU for maintaining NC and not encouraging a make up to some degree?

Why encourage making up, are you worried what others will say about you if you side with DH? Let them!

His family are very "cult like". His aunties, uncles, cousins bar a couple, still are speaking to him.

She seems to be relaying a different story to them.

He knows her better than you do so definitely just support his decision and don’t try and persuade him otherwise.

With what he has told me about his childhood - I was finished. I said I wanted nothing to do with her, or any future children, but if he wanted to, he could. He doesn't though, and wants to protect any future children and his step child from his mum.

Let them do as they wish. Just be accepting of her if H is, but otherwise just leave it.

You said parts of his childhood he is questioning if she was physically abusive, surely he would know if she hit him or not?

So do that.

If other people object to that then that’s their choice. Just because they think her behaviour is acceptable doesn’t mean he has to go along with it, and it’ll be much easier with you to support him.

I'm glad you didn't let her spoil your wedding. This sounds like personality disordered behaviour to me. YANBU. Your H sounds done with his mum.

She did. She denies it though.

Its been a long 4 years of arguments, NC on/off, he is finally done with her manipulation it seems.

If he hasn’t had therapy then encourage him to consider it (although don’t push - it’s not for everyone).

Becoming a parent is (according to the therapist I saw, and the one one of my brothers saw) a very common time for someone to realised exactly how wrong elements of their childhood was. It can be very difficult. Becoming a step-parent may have played a part in that for your DH.

He has been seeing my therapist who I encouraged him to reach out to. She suggested a chat between him and his DM in private, which they did, but he said she denied everything, and put blame back on him, so it wasnt productive.

He has done really well personally though, and is a great step dad to my son.

So what? What does it matter what they think? They all sound fucking nuts and your husband doesn’t want his mother in his life, so who cares what batshit nonsense she’s spouting to her equally batshit relatives? If I were your husband I’d be delighted to be rid of them.

He doesn’t want any contact with her, so respect his wishes and support him in that instead of trying to encourage a reconciliation. From what you’ve said it sounds like his childhood was abusive in one way or another and he has no obligation to his mother whatsoever.

Honestly, you are so fortunate that you DH sees his mother for who she is. Follow his lead. It sounds like lc or nc would be best.