When Christmas Comes With Family Obligations

[DeepMintEagle]

For some context: my husband and I are the only ones with children across both our families. When the kids were younger things like Christmas and birthdays altogether with family were absolutely fine, the kids would play happily although they would generally be ignored by our adult family members for the majority of any event.

Now they are a bit older (5+) and our parents are getting older we're finding it harder to justify spending a lot of time with them around Christmas. We'd prefer Christmas day to be about our children and spending time with them rather than feeling guilty that we are trying to split our time between either cooking/chatting with adults/trying to be with DC and keep them from making too much mess/being too excitable (this is a big no no particularly if we visit PIL).

I think it would be easier if there wasn't an expectation that our children can just go along with all the adult activities like two hours sat at the table for Christmas dinner then another two hours playing board games politely.

But then I feel guilty we're not being more open to spending lots of time with family. So, am I being unreasonable for wanting to take the pressure of our kids to be adults around Christmas by seeing family less? I do think it would be easier if our kids had cousins etc. but unfortunately that's not happening.

I’d say you have a few choices here:

1. You decline visits on christmas eve, day and Boxing Day
2. You agree a visit for an hour but take toys with you and accept that one of you will spend time with the dc while the other sees the adults
3. Offer to host so your kids can play with their toys and enjoy as much as they want to.

Having to keep your kids quiet and stop them being excitable at Christmas sounds really miserable. For my dc’s sake I’d just stay home tbh.

No chance I'd put up with that every Christmas. If they're not interested in them being there and nothing during the day is planned for them, I would visit without them, and not on Christmas day.

Fair enough to say that now the kids are a bit older they want to spend the day playing with their new toys in their house where they're not in anyone's way, and you think it would work better for you to have a child-centred Christmas at home and then visit family a couple of days later. They might even be relieved at the suggestion.

F*ck this. Christmas is for the kids. Adults can get together any time.

What’s wrong with board games, that seems a very child friendly thing, it’s what my dc did from toddlers at Christmas with my family and still beg me to join in despite being adults. They want to spend Christmas with family

Spend Christmas at home so that you and your children can enjoy Christmas.

This.

Christmas for me is centered around my children’s enjoyment.

We stay at home so that they can play with their gifts. They can make mess, eat as much chocolate as they want and be excitable from the moment they wake until the moment they fall asleep.

We host Christmas for anyone who wishes to join, but I would never prioritise the enjoyment of the older adults in my family, over my children’s enjoyment of Christmas.

You only get such a small number of Christmases with your children. Do your children a favour and stay at home this year. It sounds miserable for them.

My memory of Xmas as a child was at home with my parents and siblings. 1 year we hosted a bigger family day and 1 year we stayed away at relatives. However, mainly my memories were of chilled, happy days, at home, parents not stressed, and us playing as family or with my gifts.

So we decided on that when we had children. Particularly as we have to travel to family and didn’t want to be driving and taking the kids to different houses. We always saw family in December with various pre Xmas fun weekends before and after. Occasionally with some relatives on their own over the years we hosted and whilst nice, it does have a different feel to the day. My kids as adults still want to come home, and also still prefer when it is just us. I feel it is important you do what works for you. Perhaps Xmas day by yourselves at home, and Boxing Day with family? ( depending if you have to travel)

When our dcs were children we spent Christmas Day at home. They were able to spend time playing with toys, we had a lovely family day and it was usually very relaxed. Now they are adults with their own families, we usually go to one of them, although they have been here occasionally. Our dgc spend a lot of time here, so we and they are very relaxed when we are together, wherever that may be. In your situation I'd definitely be deciding to spend Christmas at home, with my dcs.

Agree in principle - and we have always played board games.

But I get the impression that it's a very sedate affair with OPs PILs, not necessarily much fun for a young child - who probably wants to play with what they unwrapped that morning and who has also had to sit at a table for two hours.

I am all in favour of good table manners, using knife and fork from as young an age as possible, etc., but that description sounds far too formal and boring for Christmas Day for young children.

Nope, not a chance I’d be doing that. Since having DD we’ve had Christmas at home, anyone welcome on Christmas Day and we generally host another big family party over the period as well, but Christmas Day itself she can make as much noise and be as excited as she likes.

Host.

A bustling house is fun at Christmas. And if you have martyr like in-laws who have to insist on "what can I do to help dear" instead of politely declining, call their bluff and say how wonderful it would be if they could peel this/chop that, then you can get some help with the cooking and they're out of the way from your "noisy" children.

Little kids want to be at home with what Father Christmas has brought them anyway, not spectators at Cluedo.

Come 9/10 yo you might find they like playing the more grown up board games.

Thanks everyone. That makes me feel much better. Some great suggestions of ways to have family whilst putting the kids first.

In principle I like having family around but they are very formal and it's exhausting.

There's board games(as in ones that are lively, not difficult to master and aren't too long and Board Games, which are the antithesis of the first. Guaranteed to reduce even the chillest 6 year old to tears(and some adults)
Life(not just Christmas) is too short to spend with people who aren't interested in you or your kids. Especially at Christmas. Do it!

My DDs are young adults now, and they are still the ones I aim to please at Xmas.

There is a tradition in our family to pay a quick (20 min) visit to child’s grandparents and show what Fr Christmas brought and show off Christmas outfit. Some also pay visit to parent’s grand parents who also live close by.

We didn’t participate as live further away, but I think it’s a lovely tradition. However these grandparents dote on the grandchildren, and this is an exciting visit for the children involved. It still continues even now that these children are now grown up.

My own crew loved to stay at home, and chill with their presents in PJs until just before Christmas lunch.