Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

[Aristocack]

I made a thread a couple of weeks ago about the struggles I have been experiencing since having my baby. The struggles have been with my partner and his family. He had various family members from his home country visit for 10 days when my baby was 2 weeks old and I found it incredibly difficult and ended up having to see the peri-natal mental health team.

I had issues with my partner critiquing my parenting in front of his family members. I also was bleeding, recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding and had other people in my house, hovering, grabbing baby off me etc. It was hell. They finally left after 10 days and I felt better (though I've still been dealing with post-natal OCD symptoms and severe anxiety/intrusive thoughts but I've been working with the peri-natal team). I had strong words with my partner about how he had made me feel and he has been much better and much more supportive.

Unfortunately things have gone to shit again. A few months ago back when I was still pregnant, DP's mum (I'll just refer to her as MIL as it's easier) who was living abroad with her partner revealed to my partner (over the phone) that her boyfriend had become emotionally abusive. Me and my partner spoke about it and we agreed that he could tell her that she could come and live with us if things got too bad. She said she'd think about it. I felt sorry for her.

In the past few days she has taken us up on the offer and has flown over and moved in. My partner isn't from the UK originally and his mum does not speak English and I don't speak their language. I was kept updated on the arrangements of her moving here but I haven't directly spoken to her in detail due to the language barrier.

She arrived on the 20th October. By all intents and purposes it seems like it's going to be a permanent move. I'm so regretting saying that she can come. She's in her 60s with a health issue and unlikely to ever work or move out.

I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language. She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me. I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts. She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down. She keeps rearranging the kitchen. She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home - I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus. She stays up until midnight most nights.

I won't go as far as saying I want to kill myself but I feel like I've ruined my motherhood and family life and our new home which we just purchased a few months ago. I hate myself, I should never have offered for her to live with us.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable as it is with the post-natal OCD. My main comfort and way of distracting myself from the OCD thoughts was by getting myself cosy on our sofa, cuddling/feeding DS, getting a bit blanket over me and having cuddles and chats with DP whilst watching a comfort show. That has gone now, it's been taken away. Even watching TV we have to watch it dubbed in their language with English subtitles as she doesn't speak English and her eyesight is too bad for her to have the subtitles.

Despite exclusively breastfeeding my period has also returned at 5 weeks PP and I am bleeding incredibly heavily. I am essentially living in adult nappies and in terrible pain (I have endometriosis). I keep flooding my pads and through my clothes and I was in A&E yesterday where they had to give me a prescription to slow the flow of blood. Im so physically uncomfortable and I can't even lie down and relax on my sofa and I feel trapped upstairs in the bedroom as I keep leaking blood

I don't know what to do. I have ruined my life. I don't know how I can get rid of MIL now and I feel like a terrible person for even wanting to. Life barely feels worth living. I need to get all of this off my chest and DP is sat downstairs chatting to his mum so I can't talk to him. I genuinely feel lost and like I'm in hell and like there's no way out.

My mum is supportive over text/over the phone but she is a full time carer to my autistic sibling and I can't go and stay with her/live with her due to my autistic sibling having severe mental health issues.

I feel so lonely

Perhaps not derail the thread. Treatment is one thing, it doesn't change the attitude of 30-70 year olds, who have grown up and lived in a country that had an appalling record on MH and SEN/disability.

OP, I agree that you should be telling your MIL what behaviour you have issues with. It sounds as though she thinks she is in the role of a Mother's help and housekeeper, in exchange for room and board. You are fixated on her, so it's probably time for you to ask about accommodation from your MH/support team. You've been out, with the baby, you can't pinpoint were your baby's cold has come from. Your heartbreak at the baby's cold, is your MH. It's come to a point were living with MIL can't go on.

Set a move out date for MIL.
And then let her support you in the meantime.
You need to flip the script you've been reading to yourself

Nothing will change unless you change it OP. Don’t be a passenger. You can do this.

Im so sorry. I love my mil but I also love my own space and would hate to be in this position. Surely she knows thos cant be a long term solution and she needs to find a place of her own. I hope you speak with your husband and have the conversation about her moving out in a few weeks.

This - every baby catches their first cold and there are things you can do to help.

Long term, you need a solution to the MIL problem. Whether you’re being over sensitive or she’s being overly pushy, it doesn’t matter, it’s simply not working.
Tell your husband what you’ve said on here, basically that you feel completely differently now you’ve had the baby than you did when you made the offer. And that can’t be helped, and isn’t your fault. No one knows how having a baby might affect them. So, tell him you’re sorry but the situation needs to change. Everyone is having a bad time.

Does MIL have any savings? Is there no way that she can get a small flat? Even if your DP and his family all contributed to the rent?
Or can you find a way to make changes to your home to make it work? An extension or a small granny annexe? Can you move to a larger house, even if it means a cheaper area?

OP, you need to go to a Women’s Aid Refuge. They will give you your own little flat inside the building and there’s staff there mon-fri to help you with anything you need. There’s even children’s workers and a playroom. Other mothers in communal areas to talk to, a secure garden. The locations are all top secret but most towns & cities have at least one and the rent is super, super cheap, I paid £13 per week in 2006 - granted that was 20 years ago but even if that has tripled since then, it’s still super cheap!

They are amazing places, I met some wonderful friends in one of them. It was like a retreat. Breathing space with brilliant support there as & when you need it.
Call or go on live chat with women’s aid and they’ll tell you which ones have space. They’ll even come get you!

I remember your other thread where visitors were forced upon you and you had to retreat upstairs and your dp accused you of harming your child. Also, he forced you into breastfeeding and pumping when at a few weeks old that woukd not be recommended but, according to posters here, woukd definitely be considered controlling and not good for you and your child. What happened about that?

It just seems to me that from all of what's gone on before that you're dp is trying to control you and now is using his mother's situation to lay it upon you that there is no choice.

You actually sound now that you're getting your act together and your eyes are opening with regard to what is best for you and your child.

I truly hope you can find a way forward. I think you need to leave him but be very careful @Aristocack

I disagree. I live in Poland and 80% of my friends have been in therapy at some point or another. My dad, who is in his 70s, sought help when he struggled. Everyone can recommend you a good therapist, like they would a good dentist or a gynaecologist 🤷‍♀️

This. Can you find her a place in an assisted living development?

I think I haven’t really said what I mean. There’s a massive private market in Poland, especially for talking therapies, which is why everyone can recommend a therapist. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Public funding isn’t great. There are extensive wait times for public services.

its my experience that if you have a condition other than anxiety or depression, this is where the system really struggles. Where neurodivergence overlaps with mental health. A lack of adolescent mental health specialists. The lack of cohesion between mental and physical health care. What happens after a mental health crisis - stopping it and resolving the immediate effect is one thing but aftercare is poor.

My experience is around people who have addiction induced schizophrenia.

ah. That makes sense. Yes, I agree with you about lack of funding for public services, waiting times, insufficient provision of adolescent services, for sure.

Your previous message said mental health was a taboo topic here and I really don’t think that is the case. Underfunded public services, for sure.