Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

[Aristocack]

I made a thread a couple of weeks ago about the struggles I have been experiencing since having my baby. The struggles have been with my partner and his family. He had various family members from his home country visit for 10 days when my baby was 2 weeks old and I found it incredibly difficult and ended up having to see the peri-natal mental health team.

I had issues with my partner critiquing my parenting in front of his family members. I also was bleeding, recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding and had other people in my house, hovering, grabbing baby off me etc. It was hell. They finally left after 10 days and I felt better (though I've still been dealing with post-natal OCD symptoms and severe anxiety/intrusive thoughts but I've been working with the peri-natal team). I had strong words with my partner about how he had made me feel and he has been much better and much more supportive.

Unfortunately things have gone to shit again. A few months ago back when I was still pregnant, DP's mum (I'll just refer to her as MIL as it's easier) who was living abroad with her partner revealed to my partner (over the phone) that her boyfriend had become emotionally abusive. Me and my partner spoke about it and we agreed that he could tell her that she could come and live with us if things got too bad. She said she'd think about it. I felt sorry for her.

In the past few days she has taken us up on the offer and has flown over and moved in. My partner isn't from the UK originally and his mum does not speak English and I don't speak their language. I was kept updated on the arrangements of her moving here but I haven't directly spoken to her in detail due to the language barrier.

She arrived on the 20th October. By all intents and purposes it seems like it's going to be a permanent move. I'm so regretting saying that she can come. She's in her 60s with a health issue and unlikely to ever work or move out.

I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language. She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me. I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts. She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down. She keeps rearranging the kitchen. She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home - I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus. She stays up until midnight most nights.

I won't go as far as saying I want to kill myself but I feel like I've ruined my motherhood and family life and our new home which we just purchased a few months ago. I hate myself, I should never have offered for her to live with us.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable as it is with the post-natal OCD. My main comfort and way of distracting myself from the OCD thoughts was by getting myself cosy on our sofa, cuddling/feeding DS, getting a bit blanket over me and having cuddles and chats with DP whilst watching a comfort show. That has gone now, it's been taken away. Even watching TV we have to watch it dubbed in their language with English subtitles as she doesn't speak English and her eyesight is too bad for her to have the subtitles.

Despite exclusively breastfeeding my period has also returned at 5 weeks PP and I am bleeding incredibly heavily. I am essentially living in adult nappies and in terrible pain (I have endometriosis). I keep flooding my pads and through my clothes and I was in A&E yesterday where they had to give me a prescription to slow the flow of blood. Im so physically uncomfortable and I can't even lie down and relax on my sofa and I feel trapped upstairs in the bedroom as I keep leaking blood

I don't know what to do. I have ruined my life. I don't know how I can get rid of MIL now and I feel like a terrible person for even wanting to. Life barely feels worth living. I need to get all of this off my chest and DP is sat downstairs chatting to his mum so I can't talk to him. I genuinely feel lost and like I'm in hell and like there's no way out.

My mum is supportive over text/over the phone but she is a full time carer to my autistic sibling and I can't go and stay with her/live with her due to my autistic sibling having severe mental health issues.

I feel so lonely

This morning me and DS got ready early to go out - I need to go into town and get him a few bits, pick up my prescription for my mental health medication and then I want to go for a walk by the sea and get my head together. I have expressed milk but have also got some ready to feed formula with us just in case we need it, this way we can stay out a good few hours. DS loves his pram and really settles. We're just in a cafe now.

MIL met us in the hallway as we were leaving and took DS and put him in a really tight unnecessary swaddle which he really didn't need as he was in a zip up coat suit anyway. I took it off in front of her. She asked where we were going (she has basic English) and I said shopping and she said "I'll help" and started getting her coat on. I had to just tell her no, it's okay and basically bolted out of the door without her. I want to enjoy my maternity leave without having to babysit MIL alongside my actual baby. She is too nervous to go out on her own and is very dependent on us for basically everything and I feel for her but it's also just not my problem as cruel as that sounds.

I'm still not talking to my partner as he hasn't acknowledged his behaviour the other day.

I feel slightly better today but it's probably temporary as I have ups and downs. I think I'll be better for getting out of the house with DS

It's not fully irrational as part of the deal she made with DP (back when I was pregnant and also was happy with it as I didn't realise at the time now much I'd want to be close to my baby 24/7) was that she could basically live with us rent-free in return for supporting with childcare. She now has that expectation and whenever I am downstairs with the baby she tries to "help" which usually means breathing over my shoulder, interfering, inviting herself out with me and DS etc.

I've also recently found out that DP's irrational reactions whenever I spill a drink (he starts panicking and shouting) or drop something in the house comes from a sort of childhood trauma as whenever he spilt or broke something as a child his mum would slap him or clip him round the ear. Therefore I no longer want her to help with childcare when I go back to work and DS will go to nursery instead. Therefore there is no need to incorporate her into daily childcare and I don't want to start setting any precedent where she feels part of the childcare.

I just feel sick reading your posts. I am 8m PP and had suffocating in laws but nowhere near to the same extent as you. Luckily DP is nice most of the time. If you want to chat or vent, please please please message me. I am on mat leave so pretty much always around. Really don’t want you to feel alone in this. Sending love xxx

Hang on in there with the medication. It does get better.

Women rationalizing dysfunctional patterns as okay is part of the problem in my opinion, that's why they repeat. One might argue raising concerns is scaremongering and not helpful at this point, that's a fair point.

IMO a lot of PPs have taken the medicine and OP's current normal "excitable" emotional state as well as the language barrier and the MIL's feelings into account, including OP.

There are a lot of red flags, though, the name-calling, shouting, the fact the SIL doesn't get along with her own mother either, the public shaming, the nonexistent boundaries, the lack of communication, the family history of abuse and trauma.

If OP feels she can wait for the medication to work properly and hold her own against this MIL from hell for as long as it takes while going on these little outings, then it's all to the good.

In the long term though, OP shouldn't have to numb herself with drugs while counting down the days until she gets back to work. It doesn't sound like this is paranoia, I think it is her gut feeling telling her this isn't right. DP seems to be in need of therapy, but with his mother settling in for the long term and him seemingly age regressing around her it's just not on the table. DP needs to understand his mother cannot stay with them forever.

Without a doubt, he needs to put you first immediately. I can't see the MiL situation improving in the long term, but here's what you could do in the short term for immediate relief. Speak to your OH and explicitly tell him the following with immediate effect:

• MiL needs to sit in the small sofa, you want your seat back;
• She needs to stop grabbing the baby. She can ask and then wait for your answer,
• She needs to be more respectful of your personal space,
• you and he need some time alone without her, so that you can decompress
• he needs to get her a TV in her room,
• if she wants to stay up till midnight, she can do it in her room,
• set her a curfew,
• she needs an eye test and new specs, so she can read subtitles,
• when you ask to have the living room to yourself, she needs to make herself scarce. That way yiu can have your health appointments in peace without schlepping about on the bus,
• you are ok with her staying a few weeks, but this cannot be a long term arrangement. Set some expectations for when she moves out. That's for him and his mum to sort out between them.
• tell him you are struggling enough at the moment without the lack of personal space and her constant presence/interference. He needs to prioritise you right now, because this is vasting a pall over what should be a really happy time with your newborn.

Sending much love 🖤

Insinuating to the OP that her concerns don't seem legitimate and that she ought to try to rationalise her discomfort and realise that her MIL is only trying to help, is not going to help her mental health in the way that you're suggesting.

It really and truly doesn't matter what MIL's intentions are, whether she means well or not her actions are upsetting a new mum and MIL being incapable of picking up on this distress (and to do so should be a normal human response that transcends most cultural barriers) is the crux of the issue here.

No-one is trying to fear monger or to heighten any of OP's mental health issues. However, to dismiss her needs at this period of her life (whether or not you see those needs as unnecessary or irrational) isn't going to help anything.

Have you contacted any of the domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women for help and advice. They can signpost you to a women's refuge if you feel that you and your baby aren't safe.

Your MIL has absolutely no right to take over your baby. You are caring for your DS properly and are doing a great job despite the awful situation that you are in.

Long-term, I don't think that staying in your marriage is the best thing to for you but at the moment you just need to do whatever you can so that you and your baby are safe.

I think your MIL needs to go, and go now - that might spell the end of your marriage - it sounds like it might, but at this point, lets be honest, your husband sounds like a useless bully and a very rude person, and you (even though you invited her) hate your MIL - you are actively hiding from her in your own house, and you want little or zero interaction with her - which also must confuse her, as you were the one who offered her to come and live with you! This all paints a very very bleak picture for you and it has already impacted you badly, your son will feel the implications of this as he gets older. She needs to go so you can recalibrate and heal.

I really feel for you, if I knew someone in your situation I would want to help, even if we were distantly related or not super close friends. Are you sure no extended family could help? Aunts, cousins etc?

I can also relate to your OCD and how not being able to carry out your coping strategies can make it spiral. You are doing really well though you are very aware of your feelings and what the OCD is doing.

This sounds like a really stressful situation for you, a new baby is hard enough without MH challenges and your partner is making things harder rather than being the support you need.
I do wonder how much of your current situation has come about due to mismatched expectations and lack of being able to talk to each other.
Your MIL is obviously going through her own difficulties and you were kind enough to provide a home for her. From her perspective, she is living on your good will on the basis that she provides childcare in exchange for her keep. Is it possible that she is desperate to keep in your good graces by doing as much as possible and you are seeing that as her trying to take over?
She may be feeling that she isn't upholding her end of the deal which is making her push herself on you even more. It wouldn't surprise me if she is feeling as unsettled as you and confused that you are hiding away, ignoring her and blocking her from providing the help her home is reliant upon.
It's a mumsnet cliche but you have a DH problem! He should be doing everything he can to provide that safe space for you, including listening to your worries about the whole situation and helping you communicate your current needs to his mum.
Of course, a new baby and a wife who is struggling as well as worry about his mum will have thrown him completely too so he may not be in the best place himself but it doesn't excuse him being nasty to you. If he could explain to his mum that you're in the new baby bubble and you're not ready for her to do childcare, you might find things improve dramatically.
With that breathing space and her being respectful and backing off you can find you own balance.
Honestly having someone in the house when you can't explain that you want to sit on the sofa or that you'd appreciate her not putting her feet on the chairs is always going to be a challenge let alone being able to share your childcare preferences with her.
At the minute, she does what she thinks is best and rather than you being able to tell her, you are undoing what she has done and she doesn't know why.
I'm not for a minute saying she's right in what she does and maybe she is an interfering cow who is trying to oust you! If you can somehow get her to understand what you need, you might find she can actually be a great source of support instead of the cause of so much pressure and stress for you.

I haven't contacted any of the charities yet, no. It's not that I'm not taking the advice seriously but with how my mental state is at the moment I really do not want to do anything drastic. It'd be a different story if my parents house was a good place for me to settle and recover but that is just not the calm environment that I need, however well meaning my mum is. I need to take things one thing at a time, have my appointments with the mental health team and get established on the medication. I can't face leaving at the moment. Partner is different when his family are around, he's usually 90% okay when it's just us but some of his behaviour has been borderline unforgivable and I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore.

I'm still out in the town. I sorted the baby a Halloween outfit which cheered me up, got a haircut, did some food shopping without MIL following me around like a child, had a lovely brunch. I need to start heading back soon for DS feed but it has been lovely. MIL did tell me this morning before I left (through Google translate) that she is grateful that we asked her to move in which makes me feel really bad as I'm guessing she picking up on my unhappiness but even so I just don't want her helping with childcare. Cuddles and normal granny stuff etc yes but I don't want her hovering helping with baths or coming out with us all of the time. It's my baby and my maternity leave and I can cope looking after DS absolutely fine. The day to day baby care has been the easiest part of my whole post-partum experience.

So your partners mother abused him, to such an extent he abuses you, and he wants her to be childcare for your baby?

Please ask for a mother/baby unit.
You would be calm and safe and have company.

Talk to Women's aid.
You are being financially abused by your partner that he has brought someone rent free into your home.

I am so glad you are feeling supported on MN, but if you reach out in real life you can get more support to help you get out.

Please tell us that you have your own bank account?

Yes, he is in denial about how she behaved during his childhood. I'd never want DS to feel afraid if he spilt something! I was raised with the attitude of cleaning it up then moving on, no need to get angry about it. But partner genuinely has a trauma response. MIL has mellowed a lot now and is a meek, shy woman but I still wouldn't trust her not to revert to old habits if left alone with DS.

Yes I have my own bank account and a few thousand in savings. I've got a few more months of full maternity pay then statutory pay after that. I also have access to plenty of money in credit which I ideally wouldn't use but it's there if need be

If you feel bad for your MIL OP, and she is happy to use Google Translate, then why not tell her how you feel? Point out that while you're on maternity leave you really want to make the most of the time you are able to spend with your baby, and tell her that she's welcome to have the odd Grandma cuddle, but you don't need her to help with childcare yet, as you are around to do it all yourself. Then you could perhaps go on to tell her that she needs to start going out on her own, using Google Translate if she needs it, find her way around, and think about what she wants to do with her life in the future. You could even tell her that you've decided you don't want her to do child care when you go back to work, as you'd sooner your son goes somewhere that can care for him full time, whereas if you use her, you will struggle if she's unwell, to find someone to take over.

Ask Partner to move out with his Mother.
They can only return once you are completely comfortable.

Would it be feasible for you to consider writing something like you've just posted here about how you're glad that MiL is feeling safe, but that as a first time mum you're finding it difficult to bond with your DS in a way that makes you feel safe with her interferring. Spelling out what you are finding distressful about her actions and what you'd be prepared to accomodate from her. You can tell her how the changing of things you purchase or how you are dressing/swaddling the baby make you feel and how while you're not ungrateful for her cooking, as a post-partum mum, you aren't always finding that to be what you want to eat. I wouldn't attack her or criticise things she is doing (like sitting with her bare feet on your settee), but say (as you've indicated here), that you realise she's in a difficult situation herself and perhaps even say that when you're more confident caring for your new baby, you'd like to help her become more integrated into British society in some way (if you feel that you can say that even if you never do it). Run it through a translation programme and bypass your DH, so that she can understand why you're acting the way you are. You never know, she may actually be more sympathetic to you than she is now as she's only getting her explanations via her son, who obviously is not on your side and is quite likely portraying you as mentally unbalanced.

Succinct and 100% correct.

Amazing post and so true

You will have to be clear and straightforward both with your husband and your mother-in-law. You invited her in, to live rent-free in exchange for childcare. She will not know that you have changed your mind unless you explicitly tell her - and your husband. Don't wait for them to guess. You have changed your mind, but they don't know it. Tell them clearly, and then come back to this post and let us know how they reacted, so we can hopefully guide you on your next steps. But until you tell them that you have changed your mind and you no longer abide by what you promised her before, there's no point in complaining that the situation has not changed. A good whinge is fine, but nothing will change unless you speak up.

Baby has caught MIL's cold. He's suddenly refusing to latch, he's warm, coughing, he's crying in a way he's never cried before and his nose has filled with green snot. It's some nasty cold MIL picked up at the airport/on the plane.

She's been leaning over his moses basket and breathing in his face and I have heard her kissing him despite knowing she's got a cold and blowing her nose every 5 minutes. It's his first cold. I had a cold the other week but he didn't catch it as I was so so so careful to not pass any of the germs to him and I think the breast milk helped too, I guess it was all fucking futile. I can't cope with this any longer.

I'm trying to stay calm. I got myself into a state after hours of DS not latching and partner is now downstairs trying to bottle feed. DS is eating small amounts with huge breaks in between but he's definitely getting poorly. I'm heartbroken

Did you read my post above? Complaining will not help, nothing will change until you tell them clearly how you feel. This is bigger than a cold, or going shopping together. Do you understand this? Please speak.

Actually France take mental health very seriously now and despite needing health insurance, anything to do with mental health is free.

Lots of skin to skin with your baby, get your body creating the antibodies they need, just tuck you both up in your bed. When you go for a shower take the Moses basket into the room with you the steam will help them. This is the perfect opportunity for sons space from your mil.
you can get little snot suckers on Amazon to help keep their nose clear