Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

[Aristocack]

I made a thread a couple of weeks ago about the struggles I have been experiencing since having my baby. The struggles have been with my partner and his family. He had various family members from his home country visit for 10 days when my baby was 2 weeks old and I found it incredibly difficult and ended up having to see the peri-natal mental health team.

I had issues with my partner critiquing my parenting in front of his family members. I also was bleeding, recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding and had other people in my house, hovering, grabbing baby off me etc. It was hell. They finally left after 10 days and I felt better (though I've still been dealing with post-natal OCD symptoms and severe anxiety/intrusive thoughts but I've been working with the peri-natal team). I had strong words with my partner about how he had made me feel and he has been much better and much more supportive.

Unfortunately things have gone to shit again. A few months ago back when I was still pregnant, DP's mum (I'll just refer to her as MIL as it's easier) who was living abroad with her partner revealed to my partner (over the phone) that her boyfriend had become emotionally abusive. Me and my partner spoke about it and we agreed that he could tell her that she could come and live with us if things got too bad. She said she'd think about it. I felt sorry for her.

In the past few days she has taken us up on the offer and has flown over and moved in. My partner isn't from the UK originally and his mum does not speak English and I don't speak their language. I was kept updated on the arrangements of her moving here but I haven't directly spoken to her in detail due to the language barrier.

She arrived on the 20th October. By all intents and purposes it seems like it's going to be a permanent move. I'm so regretting saying that she can come. She's in her 60s with a health issue and unlikely to ever work or move out.

I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language. She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me. I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts. She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down. She keeps rearranging the kitchen. She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home - I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus. She stays up until midnight most nights.

I won't go as far as saying I want to kill myself but I feel like I've ruined my motherhood and family life and our new home which we just purchased a few months ago. I hate myself, I should never have offered for her to live with us.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable as it is with the post-natal OCD. My main comfort and way of distracting myself from the OCD thoughts was by getting myself cosy on our sofa, cuddling/feeding DS, getting a bit blanket over me and having cuddles and chats with DP whilst watching a comfort show. That has gone now, it's been taken away. Even watching TV we have to watch it dubbed in their language with English subtitles as she doesn't speak English and her eyesight is too bad for her to have the subtitles.

Despite exclusively breastfeeding my period has also returned at 5 weeks PP and I am bleeding incredibly heavily. I am essentially living in adult nappies and in terrible pain (I have endometriosis). I keep flooding my pads and through my clothes and I was in A&E yesterday where they had to give me a prescription to slow the flow of blood. Im so physically uncomfortable and I can't even lie down and relax on my sofa and I feel trapped upstairs in the bedroom as I keep leaking blood

I don't know what to do. I have ruined my life. I don't know how I can get rid of MIL now and I feel like a terrible person for even wanting to. Life barely feels worth living. I need to get all of this off my chest and DP is sat downstairs chatting to his mum so I can't talk to him. I genuinely feel lost and like I'm in hell and like there's no way out.

My mum is supportive over text/over the phone but she is a full time carer to my autistic sibling and I can't go and stay with her/live with her due to my autistic sibling having severe mental health issues.

I feel so lonely

I’m speaking from current experience, not Google.

Free, but no beds. No staff. Chronic underfunding. Shortages of critical medicine. Outcomes for women are particularly bad.

The reason France declared it it’s national cause last year isn’t because they are doing so well - it’s because it’s so bad it’s a national emergency.

When you’ve spent the last 6 months dealing with it come back and tell me how good it is.

OP your posts make me so sad and I want to scoop you up and bring you to stay with me! Could you not talk to your husband and explain again how you feel and say you need your own space without his mum being there all the time? I’m sure that he would prefer it although he might not admit that now. You must put your needs and baby’s needs above everyone else’s now. This is so important.

Try to breastfeed if you can. Breast milk changes to suit the baby’s needs. Becoming richer or thinner. Get some baby saline for the nose.

Just one question. Is it even legal for her to just up sticks and live here ? Doesn’t she need a visa? Surely there has to be some sort of government consent to just go and live in another country? Can we all just go wherever we like and live there?

Indefinite leave to remain doesn’t expire,but I don’t think you can leave the country for more than 6 months.

In the meantime, you/ your husband needs to set boundaries. Tell her your spot is your spot. Use Google translate on phone / iPad.

Make sure she has a comfy chair/ sitting space in her bedroom, and a tv.

DO NOT leave for your appointments. Tell her you have a post birth assessment and you would appreciate if she goes in her room. Be firm

And to add to it, tell her you need time alone every day with your child.

Stop the pumping nonsense immediately. The act of physically breastfeeding detects that your baby is unwell and signals to your body to produce milk with additional antibodies to fight his infection - you won’t get that with expressing. MIL shouldn’t be anywhere near him. Time to get angry and vocal.

Do you mean Settled Status or Presettled Status, the latter only stays “live” with regular visits to UK. Is she financially dependent or relying on your p as she may have no recourse to benefits, using NHS etc at present. If she has to stay or you do not have the energy to be more blunt with your p at the moment think about your living arrangements. If you want a safe space to lie down and watch tv with the baby could that be in another room or could mil go in another room. What do you need to make that happen? Prioritise your and your baby’s well being, call your gp, midwife, health visitor and confide in your situation . You need help for your bleeding and recovery first and foremost. Is there anything mil could do to actually help you. Is your p working?

OP, just wanted to say, I don’t struggle with OCD or mental health issues but I have no doubt that living with my MIL whilst on maternity leave would tip me over the edge.

What you’re feeling is completely normal.

You’ve changed your mind about using MIL as childcare and having her live with you indefinitely, and that’s okay. It came from a good place but isn't workable. You need to articulate that to your partner. He then needs to make it clear to her and help her find somewhere else to live. She may decide that living separately with no purpose is less appealing than going home. That’s her call. He may decide to move out with him, go for 50/50 and use her as childcare. That’s his call.

You need to speak to him and make your call clear.

Hope baby is feeling better this morning. Do breastfeed as much as you can.

I AM speaking from experience, Ive lived here for 20 years. I had a breakdown and was very unwell.

Private room with ensuite, lots of lovely staff, good food, excellent phychiatrist. Taken there by emergency services and brought home by ambulance/taxi. Phonecalls from phychiatrist and my gp to check how I am.

So there, I've come back to let you know how good it is.

Oh dear, what an unfortunate situation. I would also be driven mad living with my MIL, so full sympathies. Your MIL doesn't actually sound that bad objectively (neither does mine), but that isn't really the point.

I think to a certain extent you should honour the offer you made to her to live with you, but there needs to be an end date. You simply have to admit that you have changed your mind, and talk with her and your DP about alternative arrangements. It won't do you any good getting more and more cross with her over minor things, and her trying to help because she thinks that was the deal, but actually you don't want her to.

Broken record technique will probably be in order here. Getting into the ins and outs and rights and wrongs will lead to madness. Just repeatedly stated you're sorry that you didn't know in advance how you'd feel, but you can't live like this so an alternative solution needs to be found by X month.

I'm sorry to hear that your baby is unwell and hope he improves soon.

You probably already know that your breastmilk will adapt to help his immune system, so you're doing everything you can. It can be nice to have skin to skin in the bath as the humidity can help.

If you've time to watch it, you may this video has some useful info on the psychology of your relationship
www.facebook.com/share/v/1CQt7aFwPx/

It does sound as if she’s trying to be helpful and is picking up on your feelings.
Like pps have said, the situation doesn’t sound unusual. I should think virtually all of us would feel the same, no matter how nice our mils are. Nobody likes disruption to our routines or other ways of doing things to how we would do it. Then add in your ocd, mental stress etc and I should think it’s very difficult.

It diets sound as if she’s guessing and trying to help. I think you probably do need to be a bit more explicit and communicate how you need her to behave. Blame your baby hormones and say you didn’t realise you’d feel this way and it’s nothing personal. You know she’s a very nice lady, but you are struggling to share your home and baby.

OP, you keep coming back and telling us how cross, and upset you are, but you don't appear to have even talked to your partner about what is going on, and how you feel. I know that I've made suggestions to do this, and also how to communicate with MIL, and although I haven't read every single response to your post, I suspect that many others have too, but you don't seem to be doing anything, other than wallowing in your unhappiness. You really MUST take action if you want things to change.

Sounds almost idyllic. That isn’t remotely close to our experience.

Your partner sounds like a dick, but I feel a bit sorry for your MIL OP, come and move in to get away from abulse - but don't actually move in, help with childcare instead of paying rent - but don't touch the child , don't sit there on the sofa, don't bake, don't cook, don't show your bare feet but don't offer to cover my son's bare feet, don't go to bed late, don't NOT eat your dinner...

You're obsessing and it's not your fault and it's great you're getting support. I do really feel for you but it seems to be getting worse, like not giving MIL an "in" to help look after your child by feeding him. Nothing will be solved until you've got the help you need.

I think part of this is you not being honest with either of them.. it's like you are a passenger in your own life and because technically it was your idea to bring her here you feel you are stuck with it, you are in regards her being there, but you aren't with regards how you want to live in your own house.

You need to talk to her, google translate every conversation you have, you will start to pick up some of her language and she will start to pick up English, be honest about how you feel and what you want, it sounds like she has come over on the basis that she is to help you and no matter what she does you have decided secretly that you don't want her help.

Just be honest (in a kind way) with her and see if it changes how she acts around you, she seems to not be able to do anything right for doing it wrong, but that is not necessarily her fault, it is very much a communication issue from the sounds of it.

I'll be honest here this happened to me whilst I was in hospital 3 people moved into my home because they had no where to go mom and 2 adult brothers I locked myself away upstairs and then every week I had to get rid of them and make it look like they didnt live their every Thursday because landlord visit and then one brung a dog in wasnt allowed dogs then social services found out and was red flagged because of dv with one brother and their partner I wouldnt let no one touch the baby because I was scared he wouldnt know my scent I was running in zero sleep because cleaning up after 3 other people their was just zero respect for me amd my situation ill be totally honest I ended up having a break down I fully went in my self with ppl as well as worrying about everyone else's problems and feeding and looking after them it ruined my bond with my son eventually they went after a year but when I had my second child and I was alone I bonded so different with him than I did my first and it shows and I hate that for me and my first born so I constantly trying to make up for something I didnt cause and the bond with my second is so different more loving but my first born was just stressed caused by other people I know your stuck but let it be known thos isn't a forever solution her being in your hone and that she needs to get her own space also be honest with your husband now or you'll break and be honest in the worst way go rest at your moms or a friends but let it be known your only doing that because you can no longer do it in your own home from experience you need to deal with this now or it will only get worse the more comfortable she gets be strong be firm do not let this affect your time with your first baby

@Aristocack

Have you thought about just being honest with MIL?

You could have a conversation via Google translate - not ideal but it’s a great tool

You could all sit down, or just you and her, and talk.

Without blame but just honesty

Explain you feel a bit smothered, and you are feeling protective about baby and about your mental health (as much as you want to tell her but I wouldn’t leave it out entirely)

Explain that the theory about living together is very different to the reality now and that for this to work long term that some boundaries and ability to be honest are essential.

She might be feeling that she can only stay if she does the childcare as per originally suggested, or she might be feeling that she needs to make herself needed or wanted to stay due to being in another country, little language.

Perhaps if you all found out his you are all feeling honestly you can all make a more informed decision about moving forwards.

What have you got to lose?

Perhaps MIL could enrol on some English classes, gets her out a bit perhaps might meet someone else to talk to. Or a local “insert native country” meet up here.

Being able to see things from everyone’s new and present perspective might change things.

Babies get ill, they do, try not to blame her. You will come to realise that you can’t protect them from everything and sone things you need to let go however difficult.

She is the mother if the man you married and had a child with, so you have him in common. Does she want her son’s marriage and family to succeed?

You need a communication channel and google might work for now.

Or you could learn their language? With her, she teaches you, you teach her English?

You are bottling everything up and making assumptions of motive when they could all be wrong. And it will end up being detrimental to everyone.

But you need to stay calm and not throw accusations around for any conversation to be beneficial.

So that lapses after five years absence (unless she’s Swiss), although the clock is reset each time she enters the UK.

How long was she continuously out of the UK for prior to her last arrival?

@Aristocackhow is baby now? Hope he and you are ok xx

Good point about MIL wanting her making herself useful to justify her stay, which might have become a bit of a vicious cycle at this point where she tries harder the more her efforts are rejected.

OP, the longer you won't talk, the more you'll resent her and him, apart from language barrier what other obstacles do you feel are there that keep you from broaching the subject? Is partner stressed after work (probably also because of MIL tbh) and you don't want to put this on him? Do you feel you cannot do this to MIL after you "invited" her? You said you feel you lack the strength, can you enlist your mother to help you write down what you want to say? MH team? A friend from before?

your mil isn't doing much harm at all - putting socks on a baby is just not really something to worry about and your fear that she would bond with him more than you if she minded him while you were at work, does seem very irrational -

The damage she's doing is psychological, she's undermining OP constantly. She's also a toxic person who isn't fit to raise a child, as she was an abusive mother herself to OPs partner.
You're asking OP to gaslight herself into believing there's nothing much wrong.

OP if you need a place to stay you can contact women's aid. They'll find you a place in a refuge, even though you're a homeowner, and they'll be with you every step of the way while you navigate the ending of your relationship. The fact that you would have gone to your parents if you could have speaks volumes. Please don't feel trapped, there are ways out of this. Whilst those ways may not always feel easy, they're no more difficult than staying where you are and any difficulties you'll face are temporary and your situation will improve over time. Whereas if you stay your difficulties will be permanent and will also get worse. Even your MH team are telling you you can't carry on as you are, it's that bad. They're right, you can't recover in the same environment that's causing the issue, there's no meds that will fix ongoing abuse. You've got a very strong case for being provided with somewhere else to live, until you can get back on your feet and then there's nothing stopping you from becoming a homeowner again if that's what you want. Your choice isn't staying in this relationship or starving homeless in the gutter. You can be helped to start again.

Speak to women's aid about the potential implications of going into a mother-and-baby unit if that's what your MH team is offering, they'll have seen it all before regarding ex's weaponising such things and can better advise you than anyone else. If the MH team have only just prescribed meds though I'm guessing you're quite a long way off needing hospitalisation for MH issues if they haven't mentioned it. You can't just check yourself into hospital unless you've the means to pay for it privately, there has to be a medical need before it'll be recommended.

I'm no good at finding things like this but somewhere on the internet there's a meme of a cactus and I think it's a fruit, as "people". In the first pic the fruit is covered in wounds and the cactus has stuck plasters over them. In the second pic the fruit is unharmed and the cactus has cotton wool balls stuck onto each of it's spikes. The caption underneath says something like: don't be with someone who plasters over the wounds they've caused, be with someone who willingly changes themselves so they don't harm you in the first place.

I've also recently found out that DP's irrational reactions whenever I spill a drink (he starts panicking and shouting) or drop something in the house comes from a sort of childhood trauma as whenever he spilt or broke something as a child his mum would slap him or clip him round the ear

And what is this poor misaligned victim of a man doing to fix his own supposed MH issues and ensure he never speaks to you that way again OP? Let me guess - nothing. Because it wasn't an explanation, it was an excuse.
Do you know what DARVO is? Deny abuse, reverse victim/offender. If his mum triggered him so badly on an ongoing basis and he's self-aware about that, he wouldn't have wanted her to move in, for his sake, your child's sake and the sake of your relationship. It's pure bullshit, designed to get you to tolerate his crap because "he can't help it" and paint you as the "mean, nasty, unsupportive" one if you don't.

Oh yeah, great suggestion, new mum breastfeeding a baby takes on learning a new language in all her free time. That’ll help her stress levels