Can I please talk to someone about this re: MIL

[HateMil]

I can’t sleep at the moment and for some reason all these memories have come back and I don’t know what to do with it all. I think I have PTSD but I never got a chance to process all my feelings. I’ll try to keep it short and factual:

Tried for 5 years to get pregnant. Went through lots of rounds of IUI and IVF. Finally got pregnant and from that day MIL stressed me out regarding gender of baby. Rather than be happy I got pregnant she kept saying “I hope it’s a boy if it’s a girl I will be disappointed”. She carried on till the day baby was born - a girl. I gave birth and doctor put my DD on my chest and MIL was then standing over me grabbing DD! The midwife intervened and MIL stood there sulking. Stupid DH tried to get his dad in room too but nurse stopped him thank God. I had lots of gas and air so I was kind of out of it I didn’t know or care what was going on except looking at my DD.

Loads of other things happened including my DD constantly being taken off me and never being allowed to hold her. Straight from hospital we had to go to MIL home and I had to sit there all night whilst all the in-laws came and wouldn’t leave her alone. There are pictures of my less than 1 day old baby being held by complete strangers I’ve never met!

The next several months was hard as I had a year off for maternity so MIL would come into my home multiple times a day with spare key DH gave her. She’s never knocked on door just walked in. I felt unable to relax ever and was on constant alert of any sounds which meant it was her coming in, she hated when I Would hold DD and just stare at me when I was holding her. She created so many fights with DH and myself as I would ask him to help me such as ask her to knock rather than just walk in and to not visit multiple times a day but maybe every other day. She accused of me of keeping her grandchild away from her and I would be happy if she wasn’t in DD’s life! She would cry and make her daughters (my SIL) feel sorry for her. The whole in-laws would gang up on me.

Even on DD’s first Christmas I spent with them and following Xmas wanted to spend with my mum and dad and MIL caused so many fights and told me I wasn’t allowed to visit my family!

After 2.5 years of putting up with this behaviour from that evil bitch I defended myself and stopped talking to her, DD is now 11 years old and I have slowly got better over the years. But sometimes like today I just feel so sad. I was watching a video on social media of a newborn baby and wishing I could have had time alone with my daughter. Truthfully I don’t feel I bonded with her. My second was so much better as I didn’t care about the crocodile tears frommMIK or sulking from DH. I can’t get over what she did to me, I don’t see her often I see her maybe 6 times in a year just a duty/ obligation visit. Sometimes I feel sorry for her and talk to her nicely and help her around the house and buy a gift at Xmas etc. but most days I hate her. I wish I never married DH and I wish I had never let that evil cow walk all over me. I wish I could have had those previous moments with my firstborn. I sometimes look DD and I see MIL as they share similar features.

This sounds awful. You seem to be ruminating over it because it wasn’t addressed at the time and you weren’t able to stand up for yourself.
I would honestly have some professional counselling for it to help you develop some tactics s to put it to bed once and for all so you can move on x

Your husband is as much of a problem here.
however, you can go back in time do you need to talk about and process and let go.
you have every right to feel sad and robbed, she sounds like a massive prick,

Are you divorcing the husband? This was all facilitated by him.

@clickyteeclick thank you for responding, I did have talking therapies at the time but to be honest I felt worse the more I talked about it, I feel let down by everyone in my life including DH and my parents who normalised it all. I look back now and I went through so much because of her and I shouldn’t have had all the pressure from her I was still recovering from childbirth

No you should t have had that pressure, sorry that happened to you. But harbouring this ill feeling is not doing you any good or fixing the past. Try again with a different therapist

@BettysMum2 yes I feel I was robbed by them. MIL would wind me up and say constantly “she looks nothing like you at all” referring to that dd looks like DH and MIL! If I’m being honest she does look like his family. This added another paranoia to me when I was still recovering from the hormones as I remember thinking what if IVF clinic mixed up my egg with another woman that’s why she doesn’t resemble me at all. Of course I know she’s my DD but that thought went through my head and I did discuss with my therapist at the time

🤔

What does this mean?

p.s. if previous poster is implying I’m making it up look at posts from 2015/2016 when I wrote a lot about MIL including the walking in using key

Sorry you went through this.

Not sure how you can move on, I hope DH has apologised for his part in everything? He let you down very badly.

No never apologised. He still thinks it was normal and we were lucky we were “allowed” to move out whereas his cousins wives all have to live with their MILS

Are you in the UK?
This sounds absolutely suffocating & honestly I have never heard of such drowning behavior from an in-law family, ever!

Surely when you are in yr own home you could have locked the Yale from the inside to prevent her walking in or kept your door locked and the key in the lock to stop her entering. I hope you have established some boundaries now? You also have a husband problem … he’s ineffectual and weak.

Try some counseling or therapy again. Get it all out and do all you can to get emotionally stronger. Be your own woman. Toughen up.

Set some boundaries, quietly, no song & dance. Put your in-laws in a box & slam the lid.

This all sounds pretty awful OP. I’m worried that you said that you didn’t feel like you bonded with her - is that still the case? Do your DD’s see your in-laws?

First of all your Mil sounds batshit crazy and good for you for now keeping her at arms length.
I do agree your Dh was a lot to blame for allowing his family to maul your baby at one day old. I understand you were vulnerable at that point but I feel you may be angry for not standing up for yourself.
Similar thing happened to me years ago, first baby born just before Christmas, Dh family and friends all descend on us, after a few hours of baby being handed round and drinks being had, I suddenly absolutely freaked out… grabbed my baby and told them he was going upstairs in his cot and I want all you lot to fuck off out of my house before I get back down here.
But everyone’s not like me, I have quite a short fuse, so stop being sad and blaming yourself for what happened years ago.
Nothing can be done about it, you can’t change the past, so just try to put it out of your mind and live for today and tomorrow.

Your DH should never have allowed this and should have drawn a line with his mother.
It was a terrible intrusion into an important bonding time with your daughter. But it sounds like there are core values differences between you and your DH in what you prioritise in a family.

@PashaMinaMio yes I am in uk. Husband is the only son and is a mummy’s boy. I did once put the key in the lock inside which meant she couldn’t open from outside but I was told to stop doing that and she was allowed to come into her son’s home whenever she wanted! I know it sounds crazy to me that I was so brainwashed into thinking this was normal

I do feel I’m not close with DD. I still love her and obviously take care of her but I feel she’s not mine if that makes sense. I really don’t want to feel like this. DH takes both kids to MIL home every Sunday and I don’t go. I stupidly also used to go with them but I stopped. I hate her so much. The times I do see her I have to keep reminding myself what she did otherwise I will start feeling sorry for her as she’s elderly

Yes I agree DH was to blame and I realise now he was very weak snd unable to stand up to his mum and sisters. His father isn’t too bad and I think he understands boundaries but he still never told his wife not to treat me like this and ignored all the crazy

You made the best decisions you were able to at the time. Be kind to yourself and let this go. Your MIL and DH were totally out of order and none of it was your fault. You can't go back in time but you can work on your relationship with you DD now.

Maybe talk to your GP as you might be depressed as you don't sound happy in your marriage.

My mother-in-law was a horror - selfish, narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive, the whole unpleasant package. Frankly, I coped by gritting my teeth and reminding myself that she would eventually die. She did, and the relief was tremendous. Unfortunately I was left with big dental problems from all that jaw clenching so she got a bit of revenge from the great beyond!

My MIL was a nightmare, I divorced her son, and I never have to see her again! Turned out the (son) apple didn't fall far from the tree! Best decision I made in my life.