AIBU for going off a friend?

[clickyteeclick]

I’m not sure if anyone else has experienced this or am I just being mean?

Had a friend for a long time, over 15 years. Have been particularly close the past 5.
But she can be very tricky and rubs people up the wrong way. Says things very bluntly, controls where we go, cancels night out all the time, bossy, rude, double standards, etc.
But she can also be very caring and thoughtful. And we have a laugh.
But my feelings towards her are waning. She was upset over me going away with another friend and nit inviting her and since then it’s been a bit frosty. Silly things like not liking my social media but commenting on everyone else’s, being a bit snappy but then the next day acting like everything is normal. Generally very cold one minute and not the next.
Over the years I’ve always defended her tricky ways, even when she’s definitely in the wrong. But I’m just very very tired of it and at my current life stage I’ve just gone past caring. Too much going on. Sometimes I don’t even want to reply to her texts when we used to speak multiple times a day and tell each other everything.
Am I awful? Is this normal? Anyone been in a similar situation and acted on it?
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

Did you go away with a mutual friend?

I think I would let the friendship slowly fizzle out. It doesn't sound like she's adding much to your life apart from drama.

Yes.

Yes a lot of drama. But how do you let it fizzle out? It feels really unkind since we’ve not had a huge fallout but I just dont feel the same way anymore

I’d start by reducing my tolerance for her nonsense. I’d do this by very directly calling out her behaviour in the moment. If she gets snappy say “You seem a bit snappy, is something wrong?” And I’d do that every single time. If she’s trying to control situations or boss you around I’d push back hard against that. If she says things that are rude I’d say “That’s a bit rude” in the moment. Otherwise I’d engage with her perfectly normally. She’ll either take the hint and tone down her nonsense or she’ll pull away herself.

I’d also be inclined to send a message telling her I noticed she’d been a bit frosty since you went away with a mutual friend and did she want to talk about that. I wouldn’t apologise, If explain that sometimes I’m going to do things with other people and she needs to accept that.

Dragging things out into the light is the best way to deal with passive aggressive behaviour.

Why was she not invited?

I bet you would feel hurt too if she and mutual friend went away and didn’t invite you along?

Because it was a spur of the moment t thing, not enough room for her and the friend I went away with had no kids so it was simpler. Totally see why she was upset but surely I’m entitled to do things with her go I want without having g to invite all my friends nds? But maybe not?

You are 100% right. I’ve never called her out on stuff before as I don’t like rocking the boat. But this all makes total sense. Thank you.

She simply felt left out. That’s unkind.

I think you are missing the point here…

I don’t think I am.

Yeah she felt left out. We’re often all left out for a number of reasons. But what about all her previous behaviours?. Have you never gone for a meal, weekend away or cinema without inviting your whole friendship group? We have different friends for different reasons

I think if the three of you are a well established trio who regularly do everything together, that’s a bit different. I can understand why she may feel hurt in that instance and if that is the case I probably would offer and apology. But if she’s simply one of several mutual friends and not the only one left out, then she needs to get over it.

No we’re in a big group and she often goes out with lots of them without me. I’d said sorry she was hurt by it numerous times and explained the genuine reason numerous times too. But I never said sorry for not going and didn’t say I wouldn’t do it again.

Well then she does need to get over it. It’s fine to feel hurt, sometimes we feel hurt by things like this even when we know no one did anything wrong, but she shouldn’t take it out on you. We’re not children. People are allowed to do things with certain friends and not others, we don’t need to include every single person every time.

Okay. I see your point.

However, she thinks you’ve been unkind so infact you’ve already got the ball rolling on fizzling out the relationship. Just keep doing what you’re doing and ignore her tantrums and move on.

I think just don't actively message her/take the lead in engaging with her. You don't have to be unkind or completely ignore any messages she may send you, just don't initiate.

The other poster's suggestion of calling her out on her rudeness/bluntness in the moment is a good one too. It may encourage her to think about her behaviour a little more and make a positive change. Or her reaction may make it easier for you to just gradually pull back from the friendship. Do the others in your group find her difficult as well? Or does she behave differently when it's the 2 of you? I would try to avoid any big group drama.

It’s fine to go away just with one person. Just fade her out and/or be less available.

You’re entitled to your feelings and can pull back when friends get too tricky. The social media likes thing is indeed silly though, life’s too short to be keeping tally of such things and judging friendships on it. If she’d stopped liking posts even briefly when she was hurt by the trip, your posts wouldn’t show up much if at all. Algorithms are dumb these days and I don’t see lots of friends posts, it’s nothing personal.

Thank you. The she’s well known for her unnecessary dramas. She’s fallen out with a few people and others have backed off