How do I not care what people think?

[Nattyandcatty]

For anyone here who genuinely doesn’t care what people think or say about you, have you always been naturally like that or did you change over time?

I care what people think about me and hate the thought of someone thinking badly of me or not liking me. I am a people pleaser and I really don’t like this about myself, I want to change it. I do try, but it’s forced, it isn’t my natural personality so I end up slipping into my old self. I can tell myself I don’t care or it doesn’t matter etc, but it isn’t true, it isn’t what I actually feel inside. Is this just something that’s down to personality or can I truly change this about myself? I’d be really appreciative of some advice on how not to give a f*

I completely agree with this.

People pleasing is actually quite a bad strategy for going through life because while it may prevent you coming into open conflict with people it is a barrier to developing real, meaningful relationships.

There's something very suspect about people who never have opinions that go against the grain and never challenge people. Other people can subconsciously smell it a mile off: it's inauthentic and uninteresting and it suggests someone without any backbone.

I've had an acquaintance who I've known for 20 years who is a classic people pleaser: she's "lovely" and everyone says she's "lovely": she's extremely kind and giving and accommodates everyone's needs. But there's something I've always found hard to pin down about her that makes me not warm to her and its that you feel you never know who she actually is and what she thinks, it's all buried underneath her all consuming "niceness".

I used to be a people pleaser and have trained myself out of it. I do think it's hugely worthwhile: it allows people to see the real you and that puts all of your relationships, good or bad, on a very different footing.

For me, it depends on who it is. I care what people close to me think.... I don't particularly don't like being perceived as unkind or unhelpful, especially in the workplace. That used to bother me as an employee, before I became self employed.

As I've got older, I care less about what others think especially when I know my own intentions.

Try looking at it another way.

The majority of people are really only interesting in themselves. They aren’t looking at others or judging them. If you think you are important enough to attract their attention and judge you, you are actually giving yourself way more importance than you actually have. It’s a kind of vanity, really. So ask yourself, ‘am I important enough for people to care about what I do or say or how I behave?’ The answer should be ‘No’.

I think the not caring comes from realising that generally, it doesn't matter what most other people think of me.

I don't think there's many people who don't care about ANYONE elses opinions. They just only care what the people important to them think.

So for instance, I love DP and DD and want them to remain in my life, so I care what they think of me. I want DP to remain in love with me, so I treat her well and show her love and affection.

I cared what my Mum thought of me, but not my Dad, because I think my Dad's a knobhead so I'm not really bothered that he finds me boring.

I care what my boss thinks of me enough to keep me employed, but I'm not really bothered that he thinks I'm a bit of a stubborn git. (Mainly because I keep my work/life balance and won't work a weekend just to fit his unreasonable timescales)

I care enough about what my friends think of me that I try to make sure that I'm good conversation and fun when I see them. But I don't care that they think I'm a crap cook, because me not being able to make them a decent meal isn't going to kill our friendship.

Mostly though, I try to be a good and decent person because I care about what I think of me, not anyone else. I don't screw other people over because I'd have to live with myself afterwards, not because someone else if a dickhead.

Things get cared about on the basis of whether they're going to affect my life. The fact that Sheila in work hates my dress sense has absolutely no bearing on my life. DP loathes my music taste. She's not going to leave me over it. Steve on the school run took an instant dislike to me years ago because I bailed on a playdate last minute (DD threw up). Again, not going to affect my life in any way.

None of those things are going to affect my life negatively in any way, so they don't get cared about.

I never cared about other people's opinions - even when very small - I have a very strong sense of self and know that there is no malice in me - so anyone else's opinion is merely fluff.

Some people like me - some people don't, there's bugger-all I can do about that - so why would it matter?

Perimenopause helps a lot tbh.

Prior to that it’s just an ongoing thing. Reminding yourself that what other people think of you is far more a reflection of themselves and their own experiences than it is on you. And also that to live a life solely based on what others think of you is miserable and exhausting. It helps me a lot that I know someone who has spent their life living like this and the impact on their relationships and well-being has been big so it’s a constant reminder really.

I never cared what anyone thought about me or my behaviour. If I think it’s right that is good enough for me. If someone thought something that wasn’t true it would bother me.

Everyone cares a bit. "I don't gaf what people think," is usually said as a shield to avoid the hurt. Finding things that give you inner self-worth helps you put less pressure on the external validation of others.

Obviously I care about what the people I love think (but less than I think about my own choices)! That’s not what the OP is asking.

I used to be incredibly thin skinned and timid but now at 64 I literally do not give a fuck. It's menopause that does it.

I don’t like everyone I meet so why would everyone like me? I care about my friends and family but not bothered about anyone else. I try not to be a dick and just live my life. I never like people pleasers, you never know where you stand or the real person, I find it very self involved and fake behaviour.

Im Just adding to what other posters have said. Its about age mostly. I celebrate getting older as the heavy weight of public opinion is lifted and the reliance on instincts is honed to perfection.
It will come in time.

As a baby/infant you are totally dependent on other people to survive.
If you are raised by parents who are emotionally and psychologically healthy they will enable you to develop independence and not need/seek other peoples approval.

Unfortunately many of us have parents who are emotionally and psychologically scarred and they are unable to meet our needs.
We end up frozen in the baby/infant stage where we crave our parents approval and love and affection.

We all form an internal map of the world and the most important people in our lives. Unfortunately for those of us with inadequate parents this internal map (introjection) takes the form of a critical inner voice/part.
This critical voice/part acts as a prism through which we view all our relationships and it is this voice that we are trying to please/placate

You can undo these patterns through psychotherapy but it is a difficult and slow process.

This. I of course care about my friends and family, but I don’t go through life basing my choices on whether or not they’ll think badly of me. If they do, they do. It may be unfortunate, but I’m not going to compromise myself in search of validation. I wouldn’t like myself if I did that.

In general, what other people think about me isn’t my business. Some think well of me, and some think poorly. I’m quite content with that. You can’t please everyone, and you don’t need to please everyone.

People don’t like people pleasers. They like being able to use them, and they like what they can get out of them, but they neither like nor respect the actual person.

I once heard the saying ‘what other people think of you is none of your business’.

i actually have really good friends who are people pleasers (self confessed) and as someone who isn’t I find it really draining, I’m never actually 100% if they are sincere which is a shame.

For me it was the realisation that no one actually cared about me, that anything they were saying or thinking about me was just a reflection of what was going on with them, and I happened to be the accessory they were hanging it on at that point.

Once you see that, it's not hard to decline to accept the accessory role. Let someone else take it.

People think about you as much as you think about others. Can you remember anyone who was in the last supermarket you visited? That's why is pointless worrying about what people think of you.

"You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do."

David Foster Wallace

So true. Most people are NOT thinking about you and what you say and do. They are (more often than not) thinking entirely about themselves.

I have a friend who is a constant people pleaser but it just means that people see her as a doormat to be used and manipulated. People like her, because she is lovely. But few respect her because it is quite clear she doesn’t respect herself. As Brene brown says - ‘don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm’. Boundaries and self esteem is the key.

I don’t like it when people misunderstand me, but I recognise now that it suits some people to. I don’t like it when they don’t realise that I’m quite intelligent. If they dislike me, I know they’re wrong because I’m really very nice indeed.

Once you hit the menopause you stop giving a shit about what other people think.

It's liberating 😅

Ask yourself if you really care about other people. Ask yourself how much thought you give to others, whether you like them or think highly about them, or otherwise. Do you think they care? Do you think it makes a difference in their lives?

You can practice nonchalance by doing something you might have thought twice about doing up to now - drive with your radio on and windows open, wear noticeable clothes that really aren't your style, paint your nails a statement.colour, go out without makeup. See if the sky falls down or remains in place

Menopause. Well I'm peri, so not quite there yet, but it's so liberating to not care about so much any more.

Sometimes I do have to fake it though, which amuses me as I hear myself saying the right things but my mind (that used to be going a million miles problem solving etc,) just not thinking anything.