How do I not care what people think?

[Nattyandcatty]

For anyone here who genuinely doesn’t care what people think or say about you, have you always been naturally like that or did you change over time?

I care what people think about me and hate the thought of someone thinking badly of me or not liking me. I am a people pleaser and I really don’t like this about myself, I want to change it. I do try, but it’s forced, it isn’t my natural personality so I end up slipping into my old self. I can tell myself I don’t care or it doesn’t matter etc, but it isn’t true, it isn’t what I actually feel inside. Is this just something that’s down to personality or can I truly change this about myself? I’d be really appreciative of some advice on how not to give a f*

Thanks everyone. It seems that it mostly comes down to something you naturally have/your personality. Or age. Maybe as I get older that’ll be the case for me too

I am always a bit uncomfortable when someone says : l don't care what anyone thinks as we all live in a society and part of that working is caring about others. So l wouldn't knock yourself for caring in some way . But if it is a burden then think about how often you judge people; probably not often and most other people are the same. Go easy on yourself.

I've never really cared what people think about me, and to be honest I don't imagine many people think of me at all. I try to be a nice person and to stick with my values, other than that I live life to suit me, not others.

Reverse it.

how much time do you dedicate to thinking about what the person in front of you at the supermarket is wearing?

probably not a lot.

so then think - do if I’m wearing my pink crocs and yellow fluffy socks - how much time will they spend thinking about me !

Then think - if they do judge me in their head - how does it impact my life (answer - not at all)

so why do I care what they think? Why shouldn’t I be comfortable ? Why should I be bothered when ‘they’ don’t impact me at all

start with small things and build up.

you will be do much happier.

also a lot of these unconscious thoughts are rooted in childhood upbringing. You are hearing the judgement of parents or teachers etc. if you can afford therapy - go - just explore this with someone to help you realise you do not not need to be consumed and controlled by the past .

you hold the autonomy to shape your life now .

What sort of things do you think people are thinking? I actually can’t imagine this for myself, that’s why I’m asking. I care what my boss and my colleagues think of my work but I don’t even think about what other people might think of me.

I remember my mother telling me that her own mother used to scrub her step every morning so the other women wouldn’t talk about her.

Other people’s behaviour is to do with them. Everybody views things from their own unique perspectives based on past experiences, insecurities, mood etc, so if someone says something totally uncalled for, their opinion is void by default. People judge others because they’re projecting or trying to manage their own self esteem.

Say for example I had my hair done and someone made a shitty remark about it, their opinion automatically doesn’t matter to me because they’re a shitty person trying to put others down when it’s not their hair so they don’t need to worry, do they? It’s what I think that matters.

You are not in control of other people’s thoughts or behaviour, only your own, so let it be. Would you want someone in your life who constantly passed judgement on you? Are they a nice person? No, they aren’t, so why do you care?

Also as a final point, just because someone finds you annoying or doesn’t like you for whatever reason, it doesn’t make you inherently wrong, just incompatible with that person or people. There’s literally billions of people on this Earth. To some, you will be fine as you are, so you don’t need to settle for friends or other relationships that don’t serve you just to be liked.

I agree with what others have said, you care less has you age. I used to care a lot. A hell of a lot. I still care now, but less and less each passing year. It's quite liberating.

I still very much care about people. I haven't lost my compassion. I just don't care what they think of me much.

And as you get older, you realise how fleeting things are. Friends come and go, people come and go. And that's OK, they can still be important to you, have good memories with you and a place in your heart, but there's a good chance that people who are big in your life right now will have faded in five or ten years anyway.

So getting older is the key! 😄

Yeah the step scrubbing thing was a big thing in the 50s and the other women would have talked about her.
It was working class culture back then

I just want to add, you need to work out what your own values and goals are in life and live according to those. Try to be a decent person while also setting strong boundaries so you don’t lose yourself trying to get others to like you, you only hurt yourself that way.

Next time you feel the urge to people please, think to yourself, is this convenient for me to do right now? Do I mind doing it? Would this person be there for me if I needed them? If any of those answers are no, don’t do it! Tell them politely that you can’t do it. If they think you’re a shit person for having boundaries, then so be it! They leave your life. The right people who respect you will respect your boundaries.

It does take effort to learn these things, but it becomes second nature with consistency.

Turning 50

I don't know how you unlearn being a people pleaser.

I was raised the opposite, to be a people unpleaser. I can't seem to unlearn that either 😄

Middle ground would be best. Assertive but considerate and kind.

I used to care a great deal what people thought of me. I was an absolute people pleaser and it was pretty exhausting.
Menopause hit and suddenly I just don’t care any more. I realise time is short and precious and I don’t need to waste it worrying about people’s opinion of me.

Ive also come to realise this was all about me, most people aren’t thinking about your nearly as much as you think, same way you don’t spend all your time thinking about them. People are really quite self absorbed and wrapped up in their own world/problems.

I have never cared what people think. My Mother led by example and would stand up to anyone and was always brutally honest.

I’m not going to agree just to soothe them or try and make them like me.
I am also never ever going to put myself at risk or be disadvantaged financially for anyone. The threads about splitting restaurant bills at the moment, people with no voice and getting ripped off, terrible.

One of my old work colleagues once said you are the only person I know who will always tell the truth if asked and not sugar coat it, so I like to ask you.

Getting older does help.
With age comes confidence.
Once I started to trust my own values and decision making ability, I was able to value other people's opinion without automatically assuming mine was inferior.

I really notice how kindness is the best medicine too. So I am very happy to praise another person's view and not have that praise deplete my own views.
I grew courage to give myself what I need to sustainably survive in a contented way.
I say No without guilt.
I say yes when I can, and for family, when it means a lot to them.
Sometimes we are all frazzled and spread too thin. Reward yourself with time to recharge and relax.

There is no contradiction.
I don't care about what others think about me but I care very much how I discharge my duties.
Sometimes when you do what you deem right, people will look down on you.

I've never cared what people think, ever. It's only recently that I realised that it's unusual. I'm not sure if it's my personality or how I was bought up. We didn't have much money growing up and had clothes from charity shops but I was never embarrassed. I grew up in a wealthy suburb of London in a council house, all my friends had money but I didn't even realise until I was much older. I never compared what we had or didn't have. I never followed the crowd either with fashions etc. I do think looking back I had the 'pretty privilege' it's not something I realised at the time. I never felt unattractive but I just never considered my attractiveness or other people's but maybe that's a subconscious part of the privilege.

My way was pretty extreme and I don't recommend it, but being in a mental unit followed by being in a refuge and homeless sorted me out!

After that, I just don't care. I'm as good and kind as I can be. I help who/what needs helping. I care about my family, I have morals, I work hard. Other than that, fuck it.

I wear what I want, I do what I like doing, and I very honestly do not care what anyone else thinks about me, because anyone who thinks negatively of me doesn't matter.

I was always a people pleaser and was really fed up with people taking advantage of this. I was so ground down by always trying to do the right thing by people and accommodate them but never feeling anyone returned that decency.

Someone gave me a brilliant tip which I did and it's transformed me.

They said, next time someone is nasty/dismissive/rude just say 'fuck you!' and walk away. I have to tell you I am NOT the sort of person who would have done that so I sat on the advice for ages.

Then one day someone was really rude to me. About my dear old dog, which I think gave me strength - easier to stand up on my dog's behalf than my own. So I did it, said 'Fuck you' and walked away leaving her standing mouth open.

Oh my goodness, the feeling! The control over my own situation. It was exhilarating and infectious and started off a couple of years of expanding to fill my own space. I said no. I said fuck you. I said 'don't be rude'. I said, 'I don't care what you think, I'm doing it'. Nobody died. I fully inhabited myself.

You just have to start somewhere.

I think it comes with age. I honestly couldn’t care less what people who mean nothing to me think of me. I care for my friends and family but I’m no longer a people pleaser. I was in my 20/30s but now mid 40s I’m much more about what works for me

Speaking from experience, being 70+ is a very good age for giving zero fucks what anyone - or almost anyone - thinks.

True

Think that was just called pride. People took care of their surroundings because they had pride and wanted everything to look nice
It's fine too far the other way now. People not caring has led to people's driveways, gardens, properties etc looking an absolute eyesore
Nothing wrong with pride.

Age is a big factor: growing older and getting past setbacks gives you a certain sense of ballsiness and confidence in your own instincts.

Menopause is definitely a factor: a lot of women stop caring how they are perceived by others when the "play nice and don't rock the boat" hormones subside.

For me it was also just observing gradually over the years that generally speaking people who know what they want, stick up for themselves and don't worry about what other people think tend to get what they want more and get treated better than those who try to please everyone.

Younger women in particular are socialised to believe that they have to constantly smooth things over with men and avoid annoying, challenging or overshadowing men and a lot of us internalise this. It's actually one of the biggest fallacies as men don't respect women who people please, but it took me a long long time to realise this.

Not so. Read @Gottaquestion ’s post again because she’s making a good point. There is no world in which everyone likes you, and your people-pleasing is in fact likely to cause some people to dislike you because why would they like or respect someone whose behaviour is phony and designed to try to manipulate people into liking them, regardless of whether you like or respect the person you’re trying to please?

I don’t say this unsympathetically. I’m a recovered people-pleaser myself, having been brought up by a people-pleasing mother for whom other people’s opinion was god — in her view, you can never say no to anyone, because then people might ‘legitimately’ dislike you. The thing is, it doesn’t work.

It's funny how many women claim they stopped caring in their mid 40s because the people I find touchiest and most difficult at work are generally women 50+. I wonder if we diverge.