How do I not care what people think?

[Nattyandcatty]

For anyone here who genuinely doesn’t care what people think or say about you, have you always been naturally like that or did you change over time?

I care what people think about me and hate the thought of someone thinking badly of me or not liking me. I am a people pleaser and I really don’t like this about myself, I want to change it. I do try, but it’s forced, it isn’t my natural personality so I end up slipping into my old self. I can tell myself I don’t care or it doesn’t matter etc, but it isn’t true, it isn’t what I actually feel inside. Is this just something that’s down to personality or can I truly change this about myself? I’d be really appreciative of some advice on how not to give a f*

Getting older helps. Also no one is actually thinking about you that much. They are thinking about the cost of living. You are important only to yourself, mostly!

I don’t care because I’m exhausted and I hate the me I am now. I hate that when people are obviously hinting for help I think negative things like ‘join the club’ if I can’t help as opposed to before when I’d try and help them to get help iykwim!

The only way to do it is to have confidence in your decisions. That way when people think something of you it is true.
Then you say to yourself that person thinks I'm silly for making that choice but I know it was the right thing to do.
That way you become more curious of other thoughts rather than allowing your decisions to be impacted by their actions.

I can’t say it was a conscious thought to stop caring but once I reached menopause it was like a switch had been flicked.

Exactly. One more day of life, one fewer fuck to give. It did take me longer than I would have liked to get here though 😊

Read The Courage To Be Disliked, it's supposed to be good. I was born with zero fucks to give.

Were you surrounded by judgmental people? Our inner voice is often the voices we heard as children. my Mother spoke critically about others constantly and that became how I thought others were thinking about me. I’ve had therapy and made good friends and realised most people don’t think about others that much which has helped

I put any negativity about me down to that person's envy of me.

It might not be true, and I could deserve what they say, but that's what keeps me on the positive side of things no matter what anyone says!

I put it down to that person having a bad day or bad spell, looking after aging parents or difficult children or health issues or something...
Usually, that is what it is.
Of course, I also try to stay somewhat self-aware that it could be me!

I find I give WAAAAAY less fuvks since I hit 40!! It’s bloody great!

I think its just part off my personality I've never cared what others think off me. But then I am also quite oblivious to others so its not something that's really come up

How old are you OP?

I am just the same as you but once i got to .... oooh mid 40s i'd say ..... i began to not worry so much about what anyone else thinks about me. Ten years on again from that stage i just don't think about them thinking about me. If that makes sense? I mean if i really sat and started wondering about a b or c i might be concerned for a bit, but not enough to lose any sleep 🤪

What other people think about I don't give a flying Fuck i think getting older helps

If people don't like me (plenty don't ) I'm ok with that. I don't like some people either that's life ;

Worrying about what people think has been a big issue all my life.
It's one of the things I brought up when I had CBT in my early 30s. The therapy I had then was really helpful with all my issues and helped me vastly for many years in dealing with caring about others opinions. The therapist warned me though that the therapy can" wear off" and unfortunately that's what eventually happened to me.
I had more CBT in later life but it wasn't effective for various reasons . In the last few years - I'm now in my mid 70s -it's not such a problem because my extreme social anxiety means i just avoid doing a lot of things and make sure I'm not actually coming across people to disapprove of me! Eg I will no longer go out for a meal because worrying what the waiter/ waitress thinks of me just spoils the experience for me.

I do think CBT might be helpful for you OP and definitely worth a try.

One question: how often do you think about other people? Not much, right? Just a fleeting thought?
The same applies to them.

I've never really cared what others thought about me, although I've generally tried to be a nice person.

As I've got older, I care even less what others think.

I think it's about having a solid sense of self. That might need therapy or internal work.

There is not a world in which everyone likes you, sorry. They will likely be pleasant to you, that's not the same thing. You just won't gel or get on with some people. And as a pp said, you just aren't that important to most other people (no-one is), so they are likely thinking about you far less than you believe anyway, good or bad!

Maybe think about the fact that every time you change your opinions or your behaviour to "please" someone else, 1) it often isn't actually "pleasing", because people like this can be really annoying in that they never have their own opinions and can come across as "wet", and 2) how could someone ever truly like the "real" you, if you are always changing to people please and be "nice" to others?

Any strong opinion/ethic/value/principle will have some people who agree and some who oppose. But being comfortable in yourself means knowing what you stand for and what you believe and is important to you. Why would you (want to) substitute someone else's views for your own? Cos essentially, that's what people pleasing is - lack of confidence in your own values and opinions.

Genuinely not trying to be harsh, but to present a perspective which might be motivational to change this behaviour pattern. Also recognising that - it's a behaviour and a thing you do, not a thing you are.

Age. Hit 50 and no Fs given. My younger self in contrast was a worrier.

Once you realise that most people are just not very bright, you find you care less about their dumb opinions.

Some opinions are worth caring about, and some aren't. I care about the opinions of friends, family and colleagues, but I can't expect everyone I ever encounter to think positively about me. Some people aren't worth appeasing, and some people aren't the type to be made happy so I know the limit of my boundaries and will uphold those in favour of my interests.

Ultimately I like myself. I think my values are in a decent place and overall I contribute to making society a pleasant place to be. I'm not perfect, and sometimes I'll ruffle feathers, but often that's unreasonably demanding people that I'm not willing to appease (particularly at a cost of my efforts as a volunteer which they aren't appreciating, and if they don't like it, they don't have to stick around). I don't like everyone and that's ok, but I do manage to be civil and polite even if I don't feel a personal warmth. Most people are fine though, and I have strong, stable relationships with the people that I care about and want a mutually positive relationship with. I like being me and the "right" people will like me as myself, not for contorting myself for approval and I don't need to be popular for the sake if it. Socially I realised this in my teens, but it's taken me longer professionally.

Because I care about myself and other people that I care about ...I don't understand being a "people pleaser" and having this affect your life in a negative way really at the extent of your own feelings.

Most of the time people are having a go because they don't feel very nice inside. So they go around vomiting over anyone and everyone. A lot of people are very unhappy and bitter. They will destroy you if you give even an inch!

Ask yourself what you're really afraid of. If you piss this person off. What can they do to you? Probably not much. The others, sure, keep them on side, but only so much as it benefits you.

At the end of the day no one else has to live your life, but by god they love to queue up and tell you what to do!! But they do not have to live with the consequences of their shitty advice or demands, again the cost comes only from you. So only pay what you see as getting you something worthwhile for that cost.

Most of it can safely be flushed down the toilet, and enjoy being "that bitch", it is much better than being a victim, depressed mess etc.

My Mum never cared what people thought of her. I believed that was a great way to live a life and have always been the same. I keep myself to myself, wouldn't hurt anyone and don't judge others. It works for me. I am 66 now and it gets easier the older I get.

I’ve always been like it. It was never something I ever actively
decided.

I’m from a country where communicating directly is very normal, but would be perceived as rude in the UK, so there’s certainly cultural influence at play.

@Nattyandcatty

I stand by my decisions, my actions, my words as I know best.

Become slightly arrogant, it helps!