To think she could have just invited me?

[strawberriesandcream23]

I know I probably am being unreasonable and I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself but I’ve found out in the only one from a group of “friends” who wasn’t invited to a birthday party at the weekend.

A bit of backstory, a few years ago I became friends with a lady through school who invited me out with some other mum friends she had from school. I didn’t really know these ladies but we’ve been out a few times and I’ve always thought I’ve gotten on well with them. We also have an active group chat where I chat with all the ladies regularly (we don’t all see each other at school run etc as I work full time)

Now one lady was 40 last week. I will be the first to admit I don’t know this women very well at all and haven’t spoken to her much apart from polite chit chat in person, so I would never expect to be invited to her party, but I’ve found out every other member of this group was invited to her party at the weekend and I just think if it was me, I wouldn’t have left one person out of a group dynamic , even if I didn’t know them that well. I’m also more surprised as I would say at least two women probably have the same relationship I have with her from when I spoken to them so it does feel a bit more personal. I would also understand more if numbers were limited but it was in a pub hall.

You've answered your own question. You know her through the group but you aren't really more than acquaintances to each other. I get that it stings to be the only one from a social group left out but that's probably why.

I'm wondering did she invite other people as well as the people in the group? I know lots of people through different groups and when I was organising my 50th I just made a list of actual friends from each group without counting which acquaintances were left out from each group if that makes sense.

Also ... from another perspective, one social group I'm in was quite big art one point. I was/am much closer to some than others. There was one woman who was polite enough when we met but clearly had no interest in developing more of a friendship with me, which is fine. She was very good friends with a couple of others. I twice arranged/hosted events and invited her so as not to leave her out and she literally came to my house said hello and then barely spoke to me the rest of the evening but happily drank my wine and ate my food. She was clearly pleased to be spending an evening catching up with her besties (and I definitely wasn't expecting her to fawn over me and not talk to anyone else) but it left a bit of a sour taste. I felt a bit ... used, I suppose because it was so obvious. Maybe the lady wants her special celebration to centre herself and her friendships. I think i would want the same.

Just accepting things as they are is usually the easiest route in the long run.

She hardly knows you - she might know these other two women (who you consider to be in a similar position to you) in ways that you don't know about even if they would say they aren't close to her? Maybe it is personal but sometimes people can project things on to us that have nothing to do with us or maybe we just have the wrong views/clothes/accent/whatever for that person and that doesn't mean we are less than or wrong in some way. To get the best from this situation, just accept it and carry on and get yourself busy with other things/friends/groups whilst just cheerfully carrying on with this group as you did previously. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to be any different (cooler or warmer) with this lady.

I think its this.
So you shouldn't feel excluded as such.
I think if your friend who introduced you to the group was doing a similar party, then you'd almost certainly be included. also you don't know how many guests she had.. Family, colleagues, the various school groups, hobby groups.. it's easy to see how she just kept it to people that immediately occurred to her. Its not a slight on you.

On the bright side. You have been networking with this group.. I think why not carry on.. get to know them better. Invite them to something yourself.. no reason why it couldn't continue just because of this.

I also agree with people who said if you were in her radar more often.. then maybe she would have invited you, but you don't really know her. You just have friends in common.

Don't see this as a set back or take offence and withdraw. See it as a group you can continue to talk to, over time you will get to know them better.

But she’s not been left out, they clearly haven’t been invited as a stand alone group, but as Individuals, she’s no more left out than I am,

the issue is she’s looking at it the same as you. The woman invited the group , that they all move en masse, but she’s simply invited her friends, the op by her own admission isn’t one,

You're not being unreasonable, OP, and it is strange to not invite the whole group chat, but try to let it go.
She likely didn't mean to offend you, and that is the sort of daft thing I would get in my own head about and become frozen with worry that inviting you would look weird as we don't know each other so well and then convince myself it was going to be awkward. I am getting better with that nonsense, but I have done it in the past and it is never about the person I've offended, it is my own slight social inability.

You sound like a girl who befriended my group of friends back home in our 20s. I lived in London and didn't know her and she got mega offended when I invited the group to my birthday in London and didn't invite her, despite barely knowing her. Because she was friends with my friends she assumed I should invite her to my birthday too 🤷🏻‍♀️. I'd known the others for decades and was really surprised she made this assumption.

I thought whole-class parties were only for primary school kids?

Not particularly unique, I’m sorry if that upsets you but that’s an idea shared by many many people before you 😂 of course she doesn’t have to, as I said.

This. I would find it MORE odd to be invited to a party just because other close friends were there - it's not a random night out at the pub, where it's more the merrier. She's an acquaintance, not a friend. It wouldn't bother me at all.

How about hosting a Christmas party if you want to see more of and be more part of the group?

I feel sad for you. I can’t imagine throwing a party and inviting every single person on a group except one.

If she just invited most of them but left a handful of you out fair enough but every single one? There’s nothing wrong in feeling. Bad about that. Let yourself wallow a bit and then move on. Just remember as you said, you barely know her and after this I bet you don’t want to now either lol

Imagine inviting all the friend of friends that end up in groups and that you’ve been on a couple of nights out with.
The lady may have multiple children and be in multiple groups, work groups, hobby group,university groups, neighbours groups and so on. It’s more than R to only invite friends, it’s odd to invite near randoms.

But she has been left out. She is the only one in a group that hasn't been invited - therefore she has been left out. The OP 'feels' left out which is a perfectly understandable feeling in this context.

And I'm not in a group with said bride-to-be so I'm not going to be invited am I? I'm happy to disagree with you.

I wouldn’t invite you to my birthday if I barely knew you OP. It’s not a group activity it’s a hosted event.

I don’t think YBU. As you say everyone else was invited and she isn’t close to all of them either. Even if I didn’t know someone that well I wouldn’t invite 9 out of 10 in a group, so mean. It would obviously be noticed. And especially not if it wasn’t about money.

it doesn’t matter if you don’t speak to her often, you are all part of a group. It may not be intentional but it could also be passive aggression. I wasn’t part of the School Mum‘s crowd but I observed it and saw all the bitchiness play out.

What now, there could be multiple different groups, it wasn’t a group invite, that’s not even a thing here,

You dont really know the woman whose birthday it is so I dont think its unreasonable for her party to be about her and not about being fair to you.