To think she could have just invited me?

[strawberriesandcream23]

I know I probably am being unreasonable and I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself but I’ve found out in the only one from a group of “friends” who wasn’t invited to a birthday party at the weekend.

A bit of backstory, a few years ago I became friends with a lady through school who invited me out with some other mum friends she had from school. I didn’t really know these ladies but we’ve been out a few times and I’ve always thought I’ve gotten on well with them. We also have an active group chat where I chat with all the ladies regularly (we don’t all see each other at school run etc as I work full time)

Now one lady was 40 last week. I will be the first to admit I don’t know this women very well at all and haven’t spoken to her much apart from polite chit chat in person, so I would never expect to be invited to her party, but I’ve found out every other member of this group was invited to her party at the weekend and I just think if it was me, I wouldn’t have left one person out of a group dynamic , even if I didn’t know them that well. I’m also more surprised as I would say at least two women probably have the same relationship I have with her from when I spoken to them so it does feel a bit more personal. I would also understand more if numbers were limited but it was in a pub hall.

Would you want someone you barely know at your 40th birthday trip? I wouldn't.

Of course she doesn’t have to invite you, but increasingly I think these kind of invitations are how you develop or solidify a friendship that might be nascent.

Probably she's not interested in that. Or she would have made an effort before now. And that's fine.

If you ignore your group WhatsApp chat, then your interactions have been pretty limited.

She may not put any weight or importance on group chat at all, while you've seen it as solidifying a group dynamic that is not there.

If she'd seen you in person and been chatting, she might have said "oh, I'm having a party on Saturday, you should come". But if you interactions are largely WhatsApp group chat, then the opportunity isn't going to arise.

She almost certainly didn't think "I definitely won't invite so and so", it's just that you aren't someone she would think of at all, at this stage in your interactions.

From your perspective, you see yourself as part of this group chat and are therefore the only one left out. But for all you know she might have a dozen or more group chats on the go, and it wouldn’t occur to her to check every single one to make sure there wasn’t a group where someone hadn’t been invited. She probably just made a guest list of her friends.

Seriously?? I would not expect an invitation to the birthday party of someone I barely knew simply because we were all part of a group chat.

Thank you for your replies, I do appreciate them and it’s gooos to hear I’m being unreasonable I know I’m overthinking , it just makes me feel like I’m back at school again.

my Aibu wasn’t necessarily about being invited- as I said I wouldn’t have expected to be if she was going on a trip or having a few people from the group, it’s just more out of a group of 10 who in the past have all been invited to parties and events (myself included) I was the only one left out. I know splinter groups exist within larger groups and I’m in one within this group so I do know half very well. She does 100% know I’m in the group.

Sound like she doesn't know you. And then if she invited you when does it stop. I wouldn't want social media pals at my party. I would want people I know.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to feel a bit upset by this, I would. And I’d have invited everyone in the group or just a couple, not leave one person out

This yabu.

I don’t think she has to invite you just because you are on the WhatsApp group together. Quite likely they see each other more during the week if you are working FT (I do too and I accept this with mum friends). Have you invited her to events too?

That’s what I was going to ask, have you ever invited her to anything? Because the others may well have done and she’s reciprocated.

I haven’t arranged anything but it I was going to a spa day say I’d invite the 4 women I’m close with. If I was having a party in a function room at a bar and was inviting all other 9 women I wouldn’t leave this women out- I would invite everyone.

Thank you for the replies , Im definitely being unreasonable 😅

I dont think you're unreasonable. You feel what you feel. But I think the situation CAN be rationalised

Your feelings are understandable as it seems your relationship with her is the same as others who were invited. That is what makes you feel excluded. It does seem deliberate but it is doubtful you will find out why. It has raised awareness of other dynamics within the group which you may have ignored previously.
She has shown how petty she can be and doesnt reflect well on her. Just ignore going forward, dont discuss with anyone else and if it is discussed just smile and move on.

Well OP, if that scenario concerns you how would you feel if you were in a meeting with those people and someone invited everyone there to a party with you exception of you?!

Ooops…….”with the exception of you”.

If you aren’t close, then it’s reasonable she didn’t invite you

It's OK to feel as you do, I would too in the same circumstances.
But being in a WhatsApp group does not automatically entitle you to an invitation.

Did you invite her to your birthday?

how many of these type of group chats are you in? I am in about 10 different “friend” groups like this and would not expect to be invited to all and everyone’s parties 😬 I know with one group that for some of the ladies it is their main friendship group, whilst for me and a few others it is just one of many groups for example (and I only camd in through friend of a friend)

I had the exact same thing happen this summer. I've taken a major step back since then. The party was at her house and there is no lack of space there. We meet up a few times a year for dinner, and the one with the party is the one who invited me to the WhatsApp group to begin with.

The day after the party I saw her at Tesco and she happily told me all about it 😅 I didn't even know about the party until then. All our mutual friends assumed I'd just not been able to make it and were horrified when they discovered I'd been purposely excluded 🤷🏻‍♀️

Some people just really love feeling like they're in charge and can do whatever they want.

No, the invitations were apparently sent individually. The WhatsApp group was in a bit of a lull the month leading up to the party, the way WhatsApp groups sometimes are. I didn't think anything of it. She was still sending the occasional message about school-related things and trying to arrange a dinner for the following month, but it definitely wasn't an active chat like it would normally be.

Not sure why you don't believe me, but oh well!

As all other nine in the group were invited, you should have been too. That’s crappy on her part, particularly if there are a couple of the others that she’s not close to either. It’s like leaving one kid out of a whole class party. You don’t do it unless that one person causes issues.