To think she could have just invited me?

[strawberriesandcream23]

I know I probably am being unreasonable and I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself but I’ve found out in the only one from a group of “friends” who wasn’t invited to a birthday party at the weekend.

A bit of backstory, a few years ago I became friends with a lady through school who invited me out with some other mum friends she had from school. I didn’t really know these ladies but we’ve been out a few times and I’ve always thought I’ve gotten on well with them. We also have an active group chat where I chat with all the ladies regularly (we don’t all see each other at school run etc as I work full time)

Now one lady was 40 last week. I will be the first to admit I don’t know this women very well at all and haven’t spoken to her much apart from polite chit chat in person, so I would never expect to be invited to her party, but I’ve found out every other member of this group was invited to her party at the weekend and I just think if it was me, I wouldn’t have left one person out of a group dynamic , even if I didn’t know them that well. I’m also more surprised as I would say at least two women probably have the same relationship I have with her from when I spoken to them so it does feel a bit more personal. I would also understand more if numbers were limited but it was in a pub hall.

Honestly she might dislike you?!

When I was in the midst of these mum group friendships there was one woman who irritated the life out of me and if I had a party I definitely would not invite her!

I don’t think you should take it to heart - the woman I disliked hadn’t done anything to me - I just literally couldn’t stand her character/personality + she used to spit (not in purpose) when talking and once it landed on me from across the table 🤢

To be fair you don’t appear to know the history of the other two women, how long they’ve known each other and what they’ve done together, you don’t know this woman very well at all and don’t really mix with her,

im sorry to say it is you who is being the childish one , she’s not engaging in school child behaviour, you are, being part of this group doesn’t entitle you to go to her party no matter how desperately you wish to go.

Don't know what to tell you! It was an incredibly weird situation. A couple of people from the group who were invited to the party have since taken a step back alongside me, but I guess it's possible the others were simply just told not to talk about the party with me? I don't know. All I do know is that it was completely unnecessary to exclude just one person, and that I would never do that to someone else. So I'm done with her and that's about it! I don't need that kind of drama-seeker in my life, so I'm out.

I didn't say that's what happened, just that maybe it did. I don't know what happened because I never bothered finding out. I wasn't invited, realised she's incredibly two-faced and stepped back from the group. I don't want unnecessary drama in my life as I'm an adult. She clearly downgraded our friendship without warning from 'friends' to 'parents of kids in the same school year' so I just accepted it.

Of course she can invite whoever she wants to her party. Everyone has the right to behave unnecessarily rudely and outside of social norms if that's what they want to do. It doesn't mean it's a nice thing to do to someone though, and I wouldn't choose to behave like that myself. That's all.

“I don’t know her very well”
that’s the long and the short of it.

OP you aren’t unreasonable to feel left out. But she wasn’t unreasonable not to invite you - unless you feel the exclusion was pointed in some way, she was likely just a bit thoughtless. I would have done as you though. I would never leave one person from a group out in the circumstances you describe.

YANBU to feel upset. Being left out of something, anything like this, can feel really hurtful but there are a load of reasons that could explain it.

My first thought was perhaps this woman didn't go through the group chat and think 'Oh I must invite everyone in this chat'. Or maybe she just came up with names of people she knew and invited them. Of course you said you didn't know here well, so perhaps she knows the others better - even if you think you have the same relationship with her as they do. She may have forgotten to invite you or you may just not be her kind of person! All valid reasons and you have no control over any of it.

Of course, you'll have to let it go and come to terms with it but

Yanbu. It seems odd to exclude you when there is no shortage of space.

Are you loud? Do you have form for getting hammered and doing strange dancing/. Omitting/ passing out? Do you hit on other peoples husbands?
If the answer to those is no then chances are you’ve done or said something to piss her off and are/ were blissfully unaware of it.

No one has done anything wrong op, although i understand your hurt. Be a bit hurt for a day or so, then realise you are not a friend in the way you may have thought, and move on. You really only want to be at the table if you are welcome, right?

They're not your friends that's why. The one lady who introduced you to the group might be. But by your own admission you barely know the birthday person.

If you want to be their friend invite them to something.

It's a bit bizarre to be hurt over a 40th birthday party for a near stranger. That's more like the way a child would react. And even a child wouldn't expect an invite from someone they barely know.

I get we can all feel a bit excluded and offended when things like this happen. Try not to take it too personally...if she doesn't know you that well then maybe she thought it wasn't fair to expect you to turn up all dolled up and get a present as well.
It's possible she might not like you or something and that is ok...you might end up not liking her once you get to know her better. I ask the attendees about the get togethers if im not included, its probably more their discomfort than yours and you come off the bigger person for not getting caught up in drama.

It's also possible im odd though, because I often feel relieved I dont have to dolly myself up, put on a face and stay up past my bedtime! 😆

She didn’t invite you because she didn’t want you there. You’d have to ask her why. The primary school rules of “invite the whole group or none at all” aren’t relevant to adult social events.

BUT you haven’t ever hosted the birthday lady!!

To be fair, you could be the Cheeky Fucker user in this scenario as you happily attend stuff but don’t actually arrange anything yourself.

I clicked on the YABU but I should add… if I was that woman I would have invited you as it seems mean to leave one person out when everyone else was invited. That said, I think I’m usual in that regard. A friend recently had a big party, maybe 100 / 150 people. There’s a woman (not friendly with me but very close with a couple of friends and on the active group chats and I know when my mate meets up with those mutual friends, this lady (call her ann) is ALWAYS there. I asked my mate why she didn’t invite Ann and she just said “she’s their friend, not mine”, went on to say they had never had a one to one conversation before… made sense.

Have you ever met her irl and spoken?

OP you say you have never organised anything…maybe people feel you should have?

I don’t think you are at all to be honest, I just think nowadays it’s been normalised to exclude even if it’s just one person.

Hmmm, I think its rude if you had a frequent group chat to invite everyone except one person

You don’t really know her and don’t really talk to her, why would you be invited to her party, or want to go anyway. You are assuming the relationship with others is the same as yours with her, it clearly isn’t, they may have asked her what she is doing for her birthday last week for example and she said come along to my party if you are free. It’s hard being a working mum at the school gate when you don’t see people regularly but it’s the way it goes.