To worry about my DS (14) wanting to stay at home all day?

[Winklepickers]

We’re at the beginning of a 2 week October break.

My eldest DS (14) has spent the last couple of days gaming constantly. DH works from home and has just let him do it.

I’ve tried to encourage him to meet up with friends, but he has no interest in arranging anything.

He is autistic / adhd but low support needs. He gets on well at school and he has plenty friends there and at term-time activities. He has some lovely close friends who like him, but he doesn’t seem to give a toss about seeing them outside school/ hobbies.

he has zero interest in arranging anything with his friends over the holidays. I think he’s too old for me to arrange play dates, but he isn’t picking up the slack with his social life.

I’ve suggested he invites friends over to game with him, but he says he’d rather be alone.

I worry he’s going to grow up to be a complete recluse with no friends- just because he never makes the effort.

AIBU to worry about this? Or is this normal teen behaviour?

It’s normal.

I remember my DS gaming a fair bit at aged 14 / 15 and he said it works better if all his friends were on their own PCs in their own homes so they could all game together.

He’s now a very sociable 18 year old, off out to numerous parties regularly with a great group of friends.

At 14, I’d leave him to do whatever he enjoys doing.

I never wanted to hang out with friends really during the school holidays. I was ‘peopled out’ by the end of the half term and needed to just be by myself. I’d encourage him to get some fresh air from time to time but he may just need to recharge.

Pretty normal at this age.

Both because some people need to decompress or relax and lots of people find "people-ing" hard work, so enjoy being alone, and/or some downtime where they don't have to be following a timetable.

But also because that is an age where hey are too old to have their parents arranging things for them, but (generally) not really ready to make arrangements themselves.

It is very, very normal.

Thank you. These response are so encouraging.

Sound exactly like my autistic daughter of a similar age. We worry about all the things you do, but the advice from others who’ve been through it does seem to suggest it’s normal at this age.

FWIW when I was 14 in the early 2000s I spent one Easter holiday essentially inside the entire time just on MSN and playing games. I’ve never been an outdoorsy person and I naturally decompress by having time to myself. I think I’ve turned out fairly well adjusted 😅

Mine is exactly the same. I think it’s a combination of him being peopled out, the fact he struggles in unstructured environments/activities and has quite clear categories in his mind of who is a school friend who he only sees in & around school and who is an out of school friend … and there are very few people in that category.
Are his friends all people he’s met at secondary or are any of them from his primary days? Some of DS’ friends are from primary days and I do occasionally message the mums - who are usually equally despairing - and we organise something in the background, announce it to our sons and they go off & have a good time.
I’ve also realised there are some benefits. Some of his friends are at the stage of just hanging out in the park all day or walking around the local shopping centre in a desultory fashion. Yes, they are out but is it really something I want to be pushing DS towards? Particularly as the chances of getting bored and making some impulsive, stupid decision seem high!

This was my DS. He needed a break from peopling. He's 22 now, survived uni for degree and masters - still needs a complete switch off from people and society every couple of months. He is a normal functioning adult with a lovely girlfriend - but never really liked hanging out with mates in the park.

Yup both our 14 and 15 yr old there friends are all on the gaming with them anyhow. I would rather that than them congregating in the parks

Agree it sounds normal, my DS is also 14 and would do this, as long as they still study, help in the house, engage with family and get some sort of fresh air, I allow it. I don’t allow hours of TikTok scrolling though.

Are you sure he’s not gaming with friends online over headset or chat? Lots of teen boys socialise this way ime

It’s normal, they just want to wind down and do their own thing at this age, just leave him to it, it won’t last forever.

he has zero interest in arranging anything with his friends over the holidays. I think he’s too old for me to arrange play dates, but he isn’t picking up the slack with his social life.

He's 14.
Doing well at school.
Has friends at school.
He wants a bit of downtime in the holiday.

Do you never go on holiday and just relax?

It's actually really unhealthy to be unable to spend time alone.

(That said, the intensity of gaming needs to be considered.)

It can be normal BUT I would be planning a family day and ensure he comes.
Be prepared for the eye rolling and asking when you're all going home.
I can promise you with 99.9 percent certainty that he will remember it differently in a few years time.

This is just one of many experiences of our kids remembering things differently. We have pictures of our eldest lurking like a dark shadow on photos of one particular holiday in Northumberland . Several years later he wanted to take his girlfriend there as he had such fond memories of it.

Normal,

especially as the weather gets shit.

my DS didn’t want to go to others houses because they each only had one gaming set up.

I spent quite a bit of time alone at 14/15. Not to say i didn't have friends but as an only child I found it nice to be alone.

He's in school with lots of people, things are ramping up with exams and pressure to learn the course work. I'd leave him.

Remember these days kids communicate a lot more than I did with each via their phones, they also play against each other online. I once saw a group of lads about 18 come into my pub to watch the football, they hardly spoke to each other,but were all typing on their phones and I asked one of them why. They were on a group chat with some others so were talking in a much bigger group

It seems to be quite normal now. When I was growing up, there was no such thing as parents arranging activities and playdates. You'd randomly show up at your mate's house and bang on a door to see if they would be allowed to go out. I remember doing it as a 5 year old. By the time I was 14, arranging to meet friends was a well engrained skill as well as using public transport to venture further afield with them. And being at home was boring as you had to hang out with adults (one computer and a TV in a family room so no hiding in the bedroom). Although, I do remember wanting a few days to be at home and just read at the start of a holiday.

Schools are too crowded and overwhelming, especially when you're stuck as part of a herd of 30 or so others for 6+ hours a day.

I used to love the holidays for the mere fact that I wasn't around so many people. Unfortunately, my mother signed me up for all kinds of clubs "to get you out of the house"... when to be honest, I'd have preferred to be at home, as it was much more relaxing and peaceful!

From what I've heard of the children of family and friends, spending a lot of holiday time home alone/socialising through gaming is considered to be normal.

I don’t think it’s ‘normal’. Common yes, but not normal. It’s how teenagers are all ending up anxious, disconnected and overweight. Endless gaming, no connection with the real world and no movement. A 14 year old boy sitting in a chair for 2 weeks solid out of choice shouldn’t be the norm.

Its totally normal behaviour for an Autistic young person.

My dc (ASD & ADHD);wouldn't leave the house at 14 but at 18 is out and about, going to the pub, college and hechas a girlfriend.

My own mother said she found the phrase ‘this stage will pass’ very helpful

My Ds aged 14 is exactly the same, he has autism too. He will come out for a day out shopping with me (if I spend £££££ on lunch and buy him stuff!) but otherwise he just wants to be home, gaming (mainly with school friends, I can hear him chatting online to them) or watching random things he finds on you tube and Netflix etc. He’s currently very into history so will watch endless war documentaries and films (!) I do sometimes worry he seems very insular and reclusive but he seems happy. I think school can be completely exhausting for a young person with autism.

If they have autism the general rules don’t apply. They need a lot of downtime, alone time to self regulate and de stress. I am the same as an adult.

If I had 6 busy full on weeks at work, and then finally some time off, would I be making loads of plans for busy days and organising things with friends?

Heck no, I’d be pottering at home doing nothing and decompressing. I’m neurotypical. But we all need time to rest and recharge. Let him do nothing. It’s perfectly fine.

When they’re playing sport all term time and socialising constantly at school it’s nice for them to just relax in their own home too.

Getting fat is a separate issue.

My son gamed a lot, not an ounce of fat on his 6ft 4 body. He also played rugby (still does) and does jujitsu. He never disconnected or became anxious.