AIBU to not want my cousin at the funeral?

[AliceH11]

Hi everyone

I just need some advice. My grandmother recently passed away after a battle with dementia. For context I was brought up by my grandparents and they are basically my mum and dad.

the family has always been on the crap side and she has 4 kids and most of them never really bothered with my nan until she was on her death bed. If I had it my way no one would be there but unfortunately I don’t have the power to do that.

however, one of my cousins a couple of years ago borrowed £400 from my nan and never payed her back, we never seen him again. He basically used her for money and has also recently been in jail for beating up his girlfriend. Now, my grandad has made it very clear he doesn’t want him at the funeral. My cousins dad (grandmothers son) came to speak to my grandad last night who keep in mind is 81 years old and started shouting that if cousin and come he’s not going and stormed out slamming the door (he has done this before, he can be aggressive) what would you guys do and are we right to feel how we feel

Shouting doesn't get you your own way. Stick to your guns.

I guess the cousin's dad is as abusive as his son. is the granddad okay with his son/cousin's dad not going to the funeral? That seems like the solution rather than giving into the aggression and threats. I think your granddad's views should be respected and you'd be right to put his feelings first not this cousin.

Ultimately you can't stop someone attending what is a public event.

Best thing to do is get Grandad into the front row and settled then nearest family in the row behind so you can't see the black sheep.

I would make sure he knows that he cant come to the wake though as you can control that.

Some funerals are private though, aren't they? Not all funerals are public events.

I think that more a courtesy thing than a legal right though.

“shouting that if cousin can’t come he’s not going”

That sounds like a win-win to me. They both sound awful and obviously didn’t care a stuff about your grandma.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad your grandad has you to support him.

This (random site from googling) says you can have a completely private funeral - https://farewill.com/articles/can-you-legally-stop-someone-coming-to-a-funeral

May be too late to do that if arrangements are in place, but OP could talk to the funeral director to work out best way to manage it in line with granddad's wishes (and grandmother's if she stipulated anything in will).

Sorry for your loss.

As @MumofGreyhound said.. if neither of them come then that's a win. You don't have to give them the time/place. And you can ask others not to tell people as well.

and speakign to the funeral director as pps said is also a good idea.

Do you have other more respectful family you can gather around you and your GD? Is the cousin and the cousin's dad - your GMs son, also your GD's son. It might be that they are sniffing around for an inheritance.

As for the £400, its not a life changing amount, he's unlikely to repay it to anyway so you will probably just have to forget about that.

Sounds like a blessing if neither of them come. It will be a sad day and you don’t need any extra stress

Honestly? From the sounds of it balls to the both of them. If you and GD don’t want them there, then that’s that. If you’re worried they’ll turn up anyway and cause trouble, speak to the funeral director, this won’t be a novel situation for them and they’ll be able to advise.

No if they are held in a crem or a church or a church yard then anyone can attend. The only way it can be private is to have a ceremony in a private building, like a pub or a village hall. Then have a committal at the crematorium or church yard...the family don't have to attend but the cousin could. Unless it's a direct cremation...there is no access for anyone then.

Whilst not a fan, a direct cremation with a separate event in a private building is the best solution if you want to go down that route.

It the funeral is in a church or crem then it's a public event OP, you can't ban people, only indicate that you want it to be private.
Sorry for your loss. It's very sad that the family is at odds like this but your grandfather may have to accept there are people there he doesn't want to see, and try to ignore them and focus on saying goodbye.

Advise the funeral directors they will have seen this sort of family dynamics before and can help on the day, do you have any hefty no nonsense other family members who could be alert to either of these two showing up and keeping them away from your grandad. I echo PP that in the scheme of things £400 is not a huge amount of money so I wouldn’t focus on that, obviously he’s a total nightmare and someone who abuses his partner is just scum. My concern would be to manage them if they do appear at the funeral, hopefully they won’t, and spare your grandad more heartbreak on the day.